"Tom Haggen... get me a burger, large fry, one of
those apple pastry things, an orange, a chocolate milkshake,
and a diet Coke. They've made me a Big Mac I can't refuse.

Marlon Brando, dead at 80.

Initial news reports as I write this state that the cause of death is "unknown." Um... He was 80 years-old and weighed about 10 pounds for every year he aged. What... are they gonna do an autopsy? Do they suspect foul play? Maybe it was AIDS? Or a cocaine overdose? I'd love to be in the medical examiner's room when they truck Brando in.

Police Officer: "Doctor, we need to know what killed this acting legend."

Medical Examiner (opening a can of PBR and eating an orange): Fuckin' look at him." (belches)

If more people went to Reno and were familiar with the "Awful Awful" burger at the Nugget in Reno, I could have captioned Brando with "They've made me an Awful I can't refuse." Oh, geez, with Brando's death, maybe the play on "Offer you can't refuse" jokes will die. I don't see an end in sight for the end of "Got Milk" variations.

Biography for Marlon Brando (IMDB.COM)

Fox News: Actor Marlon Brando Dead at 80

We here at Goochonline.com honor, respect, and admire our fallen heroes who eat and drink too much and display little or no self control. If there's a happy hour in heaven, we'll see you there, Mr. Brando. Rest in peace.

More shaming from a fresh deposit into the Goochonline.comarchives:

These photos were taken after I arrived back at the hotel, after my infamous "walk of shame" detailed in recent blogs past. Can you believe I was on the phone bawling like a school girl merely an hour before? Don't drink and drive, and certainly don't drink and dial.

Awww... yeah. Got my new Moto on standby... I fell asleep at a house about five miles outside walking distance to my car. Just got off the phone with YMike who's on his way to Sacramento. To live there. He's saving a spot on his couch for me. I should have planned ahead and taken pictures of all the couches I've slept on for the purpose of a scrapbook. There's been a few floors, futons, and even a ceiling-suspended leather harness. I'm just kidding, there's no way I could sleep on a fucking futon.

I think I'm getting my groove back. The new phone is what I needed... I therapeutic shop for gadgets the way women therapeutic shop for clothes.

My friend Mary-Suzanne commented on my saying that I "didn't want to be the guy with a laptop computer in a [hot-spot enabled] bar; that it'd look too dorky, by saying that she can sometimes be found in a bar downtown with two laptops (utilizing a friend's when she's in the bathroom) and a beer. I thought about it and also reflected on a girl I saw at a Starbucks with a webcam equipped iBook. That's sexy. I mean... even I could possibly come up with an opening line on a chick with a computer. Any girl that uses a laptop in public, has an iPod, or has to look in her PDA to see if she has time to see me is hot in my book.

I've ordered a Nextel phone to arrive hopefully tomorrow. They're GPS enabled which will allow me to punch in an address and verbally give me street by street and turn by turn instructions to get me to the destination. I can also walkie-talkie a few of my friends, which will be helpful the next time I "need backup."

I think the fallout from my Wednesday night fiasco has started to subside. I have one more apology to make and I'll be good.

Goochonline.com: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Crappiness.