Would I make a fortune if I invented a mouse with a hand lotion pump built in?

I really have nothing to do with the movie "Jackass." I haven't even seen the movie. I have, however, been approached by enough people with the whole "gooch (giggle)" thing that I've considered fellating the exhaust pipe of my running car. I feel bad (not really) for Gooch! Magazine, who actually has money invested in their endeavors.

Alfuckingright. Is there a connection between me (The Gooch) and the Jackass flick? Is that what's driving traffic to this site? Well, yes, there is a connection. I'm actually friends with Johnny Knoxville and did, in fact, inspire the "gooch" naming of what was once called tha 'taint. I'm not even supposed to talk about anything about Jackass (confidential disclosure agreement), but this can't hurt.

me (on the left, holding my head) on the set of "Jackass."

The definition of "slumming" it: Me in my room late last night... shirtless... sipping on a bloody mary made from V8 vegetable juice, French's Worcestershire sauce, fresh ground pepper, and vodka obtained during my last Reno trip. It was MacGyver styled bartending at its finest. It was a bloody mary that the A-Team would have made if they were locked in a bunker with only the contents of my refrigerator at their disposal.
V8: for the alcoholic with a well balanced diet.

Bill: I had a dream once that I was eating a giant marshmallow...
Fred: ...And let me guess: when you woke up, your pillow was gone?
Bill: No. When I woke up, my wife was smothering me with a pillow.
or...
Bill: No. When I woke up, my face was being pushed into a pillow by one cell mate and I was being sodomized by another.

You can't go wrong with prison rape jokes. Speaking of prison rape, let me give you some free technical support. You know those free utilities like "Gator" and "Weather Bug," those file sharing programs (like KaZaa), the fun apps like "Comet Cursor?"

They're all crap. Their sole purpose is to deliver advertisements to you under the false pretenses of providing a service. In reality, they suck up the bandwidth of your internet connections and eventually conflict with something important on your system. A hint to how insidious some of these programs are is made evident when you try to remove them from your system. "Add/Remove Programs" in Windows doesn't cut it. What I use is a program called "Ad-Aware" and then another program called "RegCleaner" on either of those to go to their respective web pages. Run Ad-Aware first, then run RegCleaner to remove all registry entries that reference Gator, KaZaa, CometCursor, etc. Delete the wrong registry entry in RegCleaner and you'll screw up your system. Once you've done this, go to KaZaa Lite and use that for your file sharing endeavors.

Office Depot

Is it just me... or does everything ATI work really well, sometimes. I bought a TV and video capture card and at one point everything worked well... once. Once, as in I was able to watch cable through my computer, I was able to pick shows from a schedule to record onto my hard drive (like TiVO sorta). Once I closed the programs and tried them again, I received errors as cryptic as some Doonesbury comics. I think things are working okay now, I really only got it to supplement my newfound digital video hobby by capturing video from analog devices. Is this a blog, or am I just thinking out loud? Does anyone give a shit about this paragraph? Oh, Jesus, how boring am I. I did get footage of that balloon that caught fire. Is it just me... or has network news turned into a lighter version of Faces of Death? Always something about balloon crashes, plane crashes, car crashes, shootings, etc. I plan, someday (when my video editing skills blossom) to make a film entitled "Camcorder Nation." I think the proliferation of camcorders has something to do with the climate of the media. I would tackle that intriguing issue. Or, I could just rent a room at the Motel 6 for an evening and film a porn movie. Ah, the options of camcorder ownership.

If you have a friend (or enemy) with an expensive monitor (like mine) and he or she couldn't give a shit about the various controls and features included in the function of the monitor (like me), find the "moire" function in the on-screen display and jack that up to full blast. I couldn't tell if my eyes were going to fall out or my head was going to explode. Go ahead, find it on your monitor. Then, piss off your friends.

I've got a real hard-on (I've used that term about 50 times this weekend alone... it's like my life's an 80s movie) for the digital video stuff. I can now watch TV on my computer's monitor (never mind the 27" television right next to it) and record shows like Tivo. Too bad I hate all television. I could record shows and let them get distributed on KaZaa, though. Screw 'em.