I went to the zoo the other day. I went with a three year old because places like zoos, aquariums, or even a city park are so much more majestic when viewed through the eyes of a child. So we walk through the zoo, hand in hand. "Look... a zebra, a tiger!" Truly magnificient. All that majesty went out the window as soon as I started thinking about the fish.

All of God's creatures are special. All of them except for the fish. Fish are God's bitches in terms of the animal kingdom. No one worries about the fish. Some vegetarians even eat fish: "Save the pandas... save the whales... smoke the salmon." No one gives a shit. Jesus was a fisherman. I can picture Christ himself feeding animals out of his hand one minute, then catching a fish by hooking it through its mouth, pulling it out of the ground, and beating the shit out of it with a full can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. All God's creatures? My ass. Fish are fucked. Hooking it through the mouth and beating it do death with a blunt object? Did one of Scorcese's ancestors invent this concept?

Maybe fish deserve it. Millions of years of evolution and they still can't figure out that convenient, dangling earthworms in the middle of the water are safe to eat. How does it go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm battered and deep fucking fried?"

Can you imagine being a three-year-old having to go to the zoo with me? Lucky kid: therapy awaits!

I fell asleep while driving yesterday. Oh, I woke up, but a feeling of perplexness is all that kept me from counting sheep as they hit my bumper (or maybe they were cows, it was dark and on a country road).

Why is it that the human body's instinct to sleep is so much more powerful than its instinct for self preservation. I'm tired, but I know that falling asleep will lead to certain death, maiming, or higher insurance rates. Catching some Zs should not take priority over controlling a vehicle, yet that headrest never felt so comfortable, the road noise never felt so soothing. I have to jerk off twice to fall asleep in bed, yet I don't need to rub one out to fall asleep while driving 80mph down a freeway. It just doesn't make sense. I'm in dreamland behind the wheel of my Ford, people are honking all around me, and I'm slapping the dashboard as though it's a snooze button: "Just five more minutes..."

I had sex with a Chinese girl last night. I was horny a half hour later.

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