GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

I went to the zoo the other day. I went with a three year old because places like zoos, aquariums, or even a city park are so much more majestic when viewed through the eyes of a child. So we walk through the zoo, hand in hand. "Look... a zebra, a tiger!" Truly magnificient. All that majesty went out the window as soon as I started thinking about the fish.

All of God's creatures are special. All of them except for the fish. Fish are God's bitches in terms of the animal kingdom. No one worries about the fish. Some vegetarians even eat fish: "Save the pandas... save the whales... smoke the salmon." No one gives a shit. Jesus was a fisherman. I can picture Christ himself feeding animals out of his hand one minute, then catching a fish by hooking it through its mouth, pulling it out of the ground, and beating the shit out of it with a full can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. All God's creatures? My ass. Fish are fucked. Hooking it through the mouth and beating it do death with a blunt object? Did one of Scorcese's ancestors invent this concept?

Maybe fish deserve it. Millions of years of evolution and they still can't figure out that convenient, dangling earthworms in the middle of the water are safe to eat. How does it go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm battered and deep fucking fried?"

Can you imagine being a three-year-old having to go to the zoo with me? Lucky kid: therapy awaits!