Now it's time for...

F.requently A.sked Q.uestions

 

Through my work in Jam Magazine and my appearances on a few cable access shows here in Portland, OR, this website has gotten plenty of publicity. Consequently, I've been asked a lot of questions about the site and myself. As my activities show an obvious desire for attention, these inquiries are flattering. However, I've put together this FAQ list to help those who are interested.

Where did "Gooch: The Column" come from?
When I was in high school, the school paper was going to let someone have their own regular column. Myself and Mike Henry, a guy with whom I had mutual friends but didn't know very well both wanted to do a column. Mike and I needed to name the column and we called it "Gooch and Mike: The Column," as if the two of us were some sort of institution and this column was merely one facet of an immense operation. I don't remember exactly why.

After high school I didn't express any interest in writing until my second try at college in 1998. I saw an ad for an opinion columnist wanted at the Portland State University newspaper, The Vanguard. I met with the editor and he let me have my own column, which I called "Gooch: The Column." The editor suggested that I name my column something like "Any Last Words," since my first submission was such an angry and pointed rant. I kept the name because I didn't want the column to be pigeon holed into one particular theme.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Four pieces of toast with butter and cheese whiz. For dessert, A cinnamon roll with frosting

Do you often have dessert with Breakfast?
Yes. It's the most important meal of the day.

To what do you attribute your weight problem?
I think it's glandular.

How did you end up on the contoversial and long running Jim Spagg cable access show?
I published a column in September that discussed my favorite television shows of different genres. I wrote about a cable access show that caught my attention one night. The host of that show, Harry Lime, invited me to appear on the next episode. After that appearance the producers of Lime's show invited me to come to Jim Spagg's show. That show aired on 9/13/01 and I didn't really (actually, no one but Spagg) feel like putting on a 'funny' show in light of the terrorist attack that occured two days earlier. I appeared on that show and just plugged the upcoming issue of Jam Magazine, which was accepting essays from the general public on the topic of the attack.

I saw you on Spagg on September 27. What did you think of the people that were picking on you?
I think I spend enough time making fun of myself that other people doing it doesn't really bother me. In fact, it is expected that if you appear on the Spagg show, people will call in and mess with you. I mean, you're standing next to Jim Spagg for chrissakes.

What did you think of your appearance of 9/27?
Honestly, I was stiff as hell at first. Nervous, didn't know what I was saying. I threw out a few good jokes but ultimately I'll chalk that show up to experience earned. Live TV without a script is goddamned hard. Spagg is the master of that genre - he and his producers make it look way too easy.

Do you regret what you said about putting a picture of your penis on your website and click on it to donate to the Red Cross?
I regret that people thought that I was being disrespectful to that organization. I was just making reference to all of the websites that have some sort of link to donate money to some relief organization. My Mom is currently at "ground zero" doing work for the Red Cross and I'm very proud of her.

The show on 9/27 revealed some long toenails...
Yes, they've been cut.

What's in the future for you in television?
I think Spagg needs a female co-host. He has a great show but my personality and sense of humor somewhat don't fit in. I'm honored to have been on the show as a co-host, but I certainly think someone else would be better. The producers know that I'll help them in any way I can.

I've started a dialogue between myself and a few video-savvy people in starting a show of our own. It's still in the feasability study phase, but it's possible that a few of us will put together a show of our own.

You get a ton of CDs from national and regional acts. What's in your CD Players right now?
"When I was Beautiful" by Stereo Crush and "Subjugate" by DFiVE9.

Well, my girlfriend is completely embarrassed from my appearance last night on the Portland cable access "Jim Spagg show." A good indicator that I must have done at least a decent job. It was fun, as always. The producers said that they've never had that many female callers and one said that I brought "sex appeal" to the show. Yep. That's me... oozing with sex appeal. I watched myself after the show and goddammit, everyone knows that television adds 50-60 pounds. I need my own show. I need to lose weight. I need about two more hours of sleep.

I don't want to work. I just want to bang on the Roland SPD-6 electronic drum synthesizer with HPD-15 stand and optional pd-2 pedals all day.

Hey, i'm on day two of being without high-speed internet access. I feel like a smoker trying to quit. This sucks. I need my fix. I need a quick download of music, clip art, porn, whatever. Even those unfortunate kids in the Sally Struthers infomercials have ISDN. That's what I've heard, anyways.

In other news, there is an important event that everyone should attend tonight. Here is the email I received from one of the performers (who, by the way, also has appeared on cable access):

You are cordially invited to The Fall Kaleidoscope Of Dance starring Leylah and many other lovely bellydancers (including Mina) Friday, September 28th 7:30 PM Ararat Restraunt 111 NE M.L. King Blvd Portland, OR 97232 (503) 235-5526. Reservations are recommended; dining is encouraged.

The "shittycustomersupport" virus has hit my modem. I've been forced back to the primative world of dial-up connections. So this is what kids in poor countries check their email with. Poor bastards.

I'm almost afraid to bring attention to this fact, but what the hell...

I'm back on Spagg 10/27 @ 10pm on cable channel 11

My parents couldn't be prouder.

Went to the Pledge of Allegiance show last night with System of a Down, Slipknot, No One, Rammstein (and probably one or two I've forgotten) performing. It was a five-and-a-half hour show, which is more hours in the day than most of the kids in the audience typically work.

Rammstein, the German techno-death metal group scared the shit out of me. It's not that they set themselves on fire, or sing with a hellish growl, or use a keyboard-synthesizer, it's that everything spoken in the German language sounds fucking evil.

I feel this way, I think, because the only Germans I ever see are Nazis in movies. This is a horrible stereotype, kind of like the Arab Americans and the Taliban. However, anyone who's watched or read "Anne Frank" knows what I'm talking about.

To prove my point, I looked up a few German words in my German-to-English dictionary and was shocked by what I found:

Fahrvergnugen: Is that a gold tooth in your mouth?
Gutentag: Where are your papers?
Gesundheit: No, really, it's a shower.
Rammstein: Rose petals in a pond

Creepy stuff. Hey! Watch Channel 11 (Portland Cable Access)tomorrow night as I'll be appearing on the Spagg show again. Hopefully, I'll be funny this time.
-gooch

Word. I'm taking JAKE H. to the Pledge of Allegiance show tonight. See how I put his name in all caps, implying that I use a database to fill in the blanks?

In unrelated news, if you're a sucker (like me) who pays for even basic cable, you should get your month's worth of money's worth and watch channel 11 on Thursday [9/27] at 10pm. I'll be on it. Somewhere. Watch this site for more information on this event.

Shouts out to: Notorious HUB and Dualesc, JB and his new Fender, MSK and Frogger God, my shrink and his flash cards, my Mom and the Red Cross, DFiVE9 and Jagermeister, JAM Magazine and its hiatus, Diet Pepsi and my mass consumption of it...

There is nothing better in the world than sitting naked in my dark room - drinking a Diet Pepsi and typing this stuff out.

-gooch

PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TOUR CONTEST!

9/25/01 6pm (tomorrow night) at Portland (OR) Rose Garden
Slipknot-System of A Down-Mudvayne-Rammstein
EMAIL ME with a compelling reason why I should take you to the show. The one who compels me the most gets picked up from somewhere in Portland in the Goochmobile, brought to the show in a Rose Garden luxury suite complete with complimentary soda pop, then dropped back off from where they were picked up.

(No dinner. No kiss good night).
Indemnification clause: I'm not responsible for shit.

I'm pretty keen on TV Land's 48 hour marathon of "Leave it to Beaver" episodes. It was better than a lot of the crummy stuff on television this weekend. I don't look at the television much on my days off, but gosh-I couldn't help it. I wish I had a friend named "Whitey." Hell, I wish I had a friend named "Beaver." The following is a trascript of some LitB out takes:

"Hey Wally, I don't think Dad would be too keen on account that you're playing with his revolver and all..."
"Aw, c'mon Beav... It's not like it's loaded or anything."

"Hey Wally, I heard Mom and Dad talkin' last night and stuff... what's a reacharound?"

"Beaver, where do you think you're going?"
"Aw Mom, I'm gonna go over to Eddie Haskell's and play touch football in the back of his Pop's van... oops, I wasn't supposed to say nothin'"

Speaking of personal violation, my column that I posted (the Band Publicity one) is missing the last part of the first paragraph. I was doing housework before I started writing and I guess I got disoriented. Or something.

TV Land has been playing 48 hours of "Leave it to Beaver." The conflicts on that show are absolutely hilarious in contrast to what today's sitcoms are spewing out.

"Gee, Wally... Why'd you go and knock up Betty Rutherford?"

"Ward, I think the Beaver is smoking pot."

"Wally, your Mother and I have told you a hundred times not to set the neighbor's cat on fire."

I could do that all night. I mean write, not torch a cat. Check out the two new columns. That's right... TWO NEW COLUMNS! Actually, one is a compilation of web logs.

I'm looking at 4999. Whoever hits 5000, email me with the screen shot and I'll hook you up with a prize. Or something. Hopefully it's someone in Portland.

-gooch

Awww yeah. I've basked in the glory of Musicfest NW. I saw a bunch of bands that I've wanted to see for a while, ran into a few music/writing buddies. Old college classmates. I also met a lot of great bands and got a lot of CDs. Willamette Week did a great job on this event.

In addition to doing this website and writing for Jam Magazine, a Portland (Oregon) music magazine, I help out a few bands with publicity. Among other things, it is my job to make sure that demo CDs for the bands I represent get into the hands of newspaper editors and/or writers. I hand deliver CDs. I make follow up calls to the intended recipients to make sure that they've received the disc and to let them know that they can call me if they have any questions.

So tonight, I checked out a band with a brand new CD. One of the band members told me to see him after the show and he'd give me a CD to review. This is smart business. Even though Jam isn't an enormously circulated magazine, it hits a target audience that independent bands tend to sell CDs to. If that one disc that cost your band $4 goes to a newspaper and gets a favorable review that causes only four people to buy your disc, that's $20 profit. That's like 300% return on your investment. That's 2100% in dog years (there's a lot of math in this paragraph, feel free to email me and correct any mistakes).

So after the band in question finished playing, I went to their merchandise booth to wait for the band to pass through, get the disc, and then go home and write a review. Staffing the merchandise booth were two girls. They said "howdy," I said "Hi."

"This is [band's] new disc. It's only $10."
"Oh," I replied. "I write for Jam Magazine, [band's guitarist] said he was going to give me a CD after the show."
"It's only $10. You should buy it!" one of them responded.

"Hi, I'm an eskimo, do you have any ice to sell me?" I get a lot of CDs. I got twelve CDs outside of a show one night because the crowd heard I wrote for Jam. Again, it's not who you write for that matters - it's that it's a publication that will give you any amount of exposure. I could have written for the f*cking Watchtower and they would have forked over the discs.

I ignored the girls's sales pitches, waiting for my band contact to show up so I could get the disc, congratulate him on a great show, and get home.

Any small talk I made with these girls was turned right back to my forking over the $10 for a disc. I'm trying to be somewhat friendly, making small talk. I was the only one at their booth at the time. It's not the money for me that is the issue and that's why it's so awkward for me to be in that situation. I pick up a disc and start looking over the packaging. I look up and these two girls were staring at me in the same manner that I look at a fresh baked pizza (without the drool). Not saying a word, just staring. My girlfriend just bought a car and that experience (I'm not making this up) was less stressful than the time I spent waiting for this band to come over to their booth.

"You're really in to me buying this disc?" I asked, almost in disbelief. They responded: "yes...it will make us look good...that's why they have us doing this...it's only $10..." Like as a writer, I'm a cheap bastard for not buying a band's CD? My band contact and I have a mutual friend, I didn't want to look like a dick, so I handed over the money and got my disc. Good for f*cking them. They made a sale.

So the fact that I write for Jam isn't good enough? I know that's not really the reason and these girls were likely (I hope) getting a commission for the sales they made. I just couldn't help thinking that if I was with, say, the Oregonian, or Willamette Week, if these girls would have done the hard sell? However, as a publicity person, if someone representing one of "my" bands pulled that shit on a writer... I'd... I'd... I don't know what I'd do. Oh yeah, I'd get PISSED!

I love the band, I love the disc, I'm not reviewing it. After all, it's mine, I bought it, and I don't have to share it with anyone. Maybe they'll get some mention in an important paper like the big "O."

Like my self esteem needs to get any fucking lower.

-go*ch (oops, I put the asterisk in the wrong place).