I have a new 42" plasma TV and the cable company for some reason gave me a cable box with all channels enabled for free. I have more television than I know what to do with and yet I still went out last night, got drunk and called myself and left a message. Here's a transcript of my apparent joke:

I chopped up and snorted viagra one day and my nose got bigger.
I told a friend what I'd done and he said "you're lying to me."
I said "How would you know?"
He pointed to my nose.
It was then I understood the true meaning of irony.

It's kind of funny... weird. Who wakes up in the morning, checks his voice mail and gets a message from themselves. Well, apparently, this guy. I'm not leaving the house again.

goochout.

I wonder if it was Doublemint gum? The irony is too much.

A brotherly fight over gum has ended in tragedy for a Columbia family.

The 14-year-old twin boys were apparently arguing over chewing gum when one brother picked up a kitchen knife and stabbing the other in the chest.
Their mother tried to administer CPR but the boy died despite her efforts.
The sheriff says the surviving teen is very sorry for his actions.

When you've made a stupid mistake or have a bad day, think of this news story:

Casino mogul Steve Wynn Accidentally pokes hole in painting a day before he sells it for $132 million.

Makes the time I dropped a customer's laptop computer in front of him look not so bad.

gooch:out

Real things overheard in restaurants/bars:

[Queen's We Will Rock You] starts playing (loudly) on the jukebox at a bar

Girl: Awesome! Good Billy Squier song.
Me: Actually this is Queen.
Girl: Really... oh right, it is Queen.
Man: Queen? I love Eddie Vedder.
Me: Who?
Man: Eddie Vedder.
Me: It's Freddy Mercury.
Man: Oh, well same first name.
Me: No... Freddy.

*****

[Woman eating at sushi restaurant, talking to her friend]
"My husband Bill and I don't eat red meat, so we ordered Chicken Cordon Bleu and just ate around the ham."

I assure you that the above conversations and excerpts thereof are true and actually heard by me. Stop the world, I want to get off.

gooch:the other red meat

I'm typing this blog on my new 42" Plasma screen television. I've hooked up my computer to the TV and this is how I plan on computing from home from now on.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure can finance the shit out of it.

I've played Atari 2600 Space Invaders using an emulator. I love taking the latest technology and throwing old school tech at it I've hooked up my LaserDisc player as well.

I must say that I spent the day with my friend Julie and it was a great day. The sales lady alluded to Julie that I make her happy as if we are in a relationship and we decided that we are in the best relationship of our lives because we are not, in fact, in a relationship.

Well, I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed. good night.

goochout.