A lot of people tell me that I have a big heart.

Unfortunately, they're all doctors. I need to stop drinking so much.

-- Me

TIME SPENT AT A STRIP CLUB: $1 PER SONG

ADULT VIDEO WITH A CORNY TITLE: $24.95 PLUS DISCREET SHIPPING AND HANDLING

REALISTIC (AHEM) BLOW UP DOLL: $199.95

NOT HAVING TO BUY ANYONE A VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT OR CARD THIS YEAR... PRICELESS.

(NOT HAVING TO READ THROUGH ANOTHER MASTERCARD AD SPOOF WOULD BE PRICELESS AS WELL).

I think that by now I've written way more than I've ever, ever read. Can you imagine how much better off I'd be, how much smarter -- if I'd spent all this time reading a goddamned book or two?

I'm going nuts. I'm on an orange terror alert... I still don't know what the fuck that means. I'm just going to wrap myself in saran wrap and duct tape until all this crap blows over. Lately, I find myself worried about other people's relationships when I recently managed to really fuck mine up. I'm like Kevin Mitnick, famous hacker turned prison bitch turned "security consultant" turned hack victim. Full circle is a motherfucker, isn't it Kevin? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I and everyone else should heal thyselves instead of worrying about everyone else. Actually, I have no idea what I'm trying to say... I'm as incoherent as Anna Nicole Smith at an eating contest or Farrah Fawcett on David Letterman. I can't even blame it on the DayQuil anymore. Well, I can, but you wouldn't believe it anyway. I think this site has jumped the shark. Actually, I think John "Gooch" Gallucci jumped the shark months ago. Get me the number for Jack Kevorkian.

I think I tried to overdose on a deadly combination of Coors Light, chicken strips, and cheesecake last night.

I did kill myself... once. Check this out, if you didn't see it already. I replaced the opening page to GoochOnline.com with this fake Oregonian story. If ever there was a way to piss off my friends and family, this was it. Not sure why I did it... it wasn't one of those things where I wanted to see how people would react; I didn't "stage" my death. It was just one of those unfunny things i've done. Like this entire website.

We're on an orange/high terror alert. I say that when the going gets tough... the tough go to Canada. The Ministry of Tourism (or whatever they have there) in Canada should advertise on american news channels. They could use slogans like: "Canada: We're anthrax free!" or "Canada: no one hates us!" or "Canada: We're just a mushroom cloud away!" or "This high-terror alert brought to you by Canada!"

The Homeland Security task force suggested that Americans keep items such as flashlights, duct tape, and plastic sheets in the event of some attack. Apparently Canadian TV star Red Green has been appointed to the US Homeland Security team. Because, if the ladies don't find you handsome, at least let them find you in a house insulated with plastic sheets and duct tape.

Those electro-shock dog collars that have earned controversial popularity over the years. You know, the ones where the dog wears a collar with two electrodes in its neck and the dog owner can remotely shock the dog when it's doing something that it shouldn't. I need to wear one of these things and have someone hold the remote; shocking me whenever I say one of the following:

"Oh, really... you're eighteen? Great... why don't you grab your Hello Kitty backpack and get into my truck?"

"Why should I wear a condom? It's not like I'll be going back to Tijuana for a while."

"Another beer? Sure! I only have to drive about 10 miles, anyway."

"Excuse me, waitress, I know I'm having dinner with a girl, but can I get your number before she comes back from the bathroom?"

"You want to borrow how much? Let me get my checkbook."

"I think I need to do something different with my hair."

"No, really... I like going to plays."

"Your boyfriend/my friend is out of town and you want to have a drink... with me? Sure!"

"Hey, I really like you; you're fun to talk to and very pretty. You want to go out sometime? Oh, by the way I've got a website you should check out... I write about things like sex with underage girls, drinking too much, and jerking off to the Spanish Channel. Oh, sure... I think your parents would like it, too."

My only saving grace would be if the remote control to the shock collar drained the batteries. The way I've been behaving lately it would only take about two hours before my "keeper" would have to change the batteries in the shock-collar remote.

Most recent comment about this site: "I can't tell if you're joking or not."

It's all one big joke. It's like stand up comedy, except it should be called pass-out comedy, because I pass out a lot and it's sort of funny. Get me the number to St. Ides Brewery. CLICK HERE TO FLASH BACK TO WHEN I ONLY WROTE ABOUT DRINKING TOO MUCH.

I don't normally repost email jokes, but I have nothing funny to say tonight:

I heard that if you play the AOL 8.0 CD-ROM backwards, you'll hear a satanic
message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it
installs AOL 8.0.

I get it. I've noticed voices coming out of my computer speakers when they're not producing sound from my computer. I didn't pay much attention to it, since radio reception is commonplace among poorly grounded speaker systems. However, I put my ear up next to the speakers and heard the following:

The Macintosh sucks... Bill Gates is good... Greed is good... Steve Jobs beats his children... Hey Gooch, lose some weight you fat bastard... Upgrade to XP...

Wow, despite the unnecessary personal attack, Microsoft's marketing department is earning their keep for sure!

Overheard at IKEA yesterday...

"I've got this big gaping hole in my bedroom that I need to fill"

-- One guy talking to another about where to hang a mirror in his house.

Unrelated Confidential to God: Hey it's me, Gooch. Okay, enough... I get it... I'm a dork. ENOUGH WITH THE REMINDERS!

Most recent comment about this site: "I don't get it."

Yesterday I woke up and soaked in life like I was in a Folger's Coffee commercial, this morning my only motivation was to get rid of the godawful curtains in my bedroom. Mission accomplished... how does it go? measure four times, cut five? I'm going to drink more before 1pm than most people do in a weekend. Within four minutes of starting my car remotely with my keys, I misplaced the keys. can't find them anywhere. I KNOW... maybe they're next to my ego or maybe my dignity and self respect. Get me the number for the Coors Brewery.