Cracka... Please!

You see... I said "cracka" and not "cracker." As you may or may not know, "cracker" brings up a part of history that my people would like to forget. "Cracka" is okay if we call each other that. I use that word often in my rap music. Don't say "cracker." It's as offensive as saying "midget" to a little person.

Going to grab a drink. Low key is the name of the game as I look forward to a productive weekend. Well, I don't look forward to it... I just want to get shit done that needs to get done and it all piled the fuck up over the last two days.

I guess Tito Ortiz and Jenna Jameson are still together. I think it's great when a couple from the entertainment industry can maintain a relationship. They have twins together, in fact. Judging from watching her films, I'd say the kids weren't born so much as they drove a semi truck out of that high-mileage vag.

I was thinking about being Tito Ortiz and dating Jenna Jameson. I mean, if you're dating Jenna Jameson and you hang out with a group of her friends, would you even fucking dare ask one of her guy friends how they know her?

"Oh... Jenna and I worked together on "Please Cum Inside Me 15" and I accidentally didn't cum inside her. I actually decorated her face with my man goo. Long story short: she got pink eye. So how are the babies?"

That joke would have been funnier to me if she'd starred in something like "Analgeddon 15" or something like that. I forget that Jenna was a classy porn star. Whatever.




Shalom, fuckers.

gooch:out

Happy Birthday, James Gandolfini.

America... Fuck Yeah!

Degenerates:



Yesterday turned out alright, as in it did not follow its trend of shit happening to me. Today is a new day: The cat's batshit crazy, the computer has come back from the dead like Jesus and/or Bobby Ewing. I had my mind on my money and my money on a drying rack yesterday. I spent it before it could get dry. That's how I do it.



I'm moving a shit ton full of data around on my computer and the process appears to be way slower than I anticipated. By my solar powered calculator, the porn will be moved off the G: drive and onto the X: drive in... wait, the calculator just says "November." This is either the best or worst free solar calculator ever. Either way, I'm going to try to put a copy of Windows 7 and a copy of Mac OS on my computer this weekend. Get me an extra hard drive and a bottle of anything. I've never watched porn on a Mac before. My goal is to be the first person to ever watch heterosexual porn on a Macintosh.



Wow... that last line is a tweet if I ever wrote one. You see... it's offensive to Mac users, and gays and lesbians. Yes!



Anyways, I'm going back to bed for CNN then hitting the gym. If I quantified the time I've spent writing blogs, Tweets, Facebook, whatever... it would depress the living fuck out of me.



Peace,



gooch:out

P.S: Don't think I didn't notice the "chard" typo on the previous post. I guess it's how a 'tard spells "chart." I don't know. Fuck... I hate typos.

Ahhh... Yeah.

Bitches:

Crashed my home computer something fierce. I know what I did. It involves torrents, lack of adequate antivirus, disreputable torrent sites, lack of judgement, lack of sleep.

I got it working somewhat this morning. All clothes were in the dryer, so I had to make a pajama-ed trip to the car to get my computer-tech CDs.

"Gooch," you ask, "is there something gratifying about being able to fix your own computer?"

No. There is something gratifying about keeping your own computer from getting jacked the fuck up. In my case, as of last night: fail. This morning: fail.

Then, as I'm working on my machine, I notice that the cat is missing. She normally wakes me up at 6am, but as of 9am... no cat nor any sign of her. My whole fucking life was falling apart this morning. I had to resort to tweeting/Facebooking via my phone. To top off my morning: I went to look for my wallet when it dawned on me that it was in my shorts from last night. Which were in the dryer. Which would make sense because they'd already been through the washing machine.

Hell yeah. I've got cash laid out on a desk trying to dry. Damn right it was a good day.

Speaking of which: click HERE for an Ice Cube/It Was a Good Day inspired flow chard that I lifted from Geekologie. Awesome.

gooch:out

Goochonline: Now with 400% more caffeine

I took my usual pre workout caffeine pill but am now using that energy to focus on updating the various venues through which I purge my tasteless jokes and quips.



"Gooch," you ask, " and downloading pirated movies and porn?"



Yes. and those things, too.

I'm intrigued by the news of an Asian girl being found dead in a high security building on Yale's campus inside of a wall.

There are 72 cameras in the building where she was killed. No one has explained fully the "tucked in a wall" concept. How the fuck do you put a body into a wall? Did she stiff a sheet rock contractor on a payment? Was it a gang hit? "Annie Le sleeps with the insulation." The police are clearly sandbagging the media on information. I mean, the killer has to be on the video. The killer had to swipe a card to get in. Bloody clothes found above the ceiling and police won't say to whom they belong?

And when did mainstream media start giving such a shit about non-caucasian missing people? Good for you, CNN!

Interesting story about the picture at the beginning of this blog: I'm not listening to anything on the headphones and I'm not wearing pants.

Patrick Swayze died. He's the one who inspired me to become a bouncer in the early 2000s. Well, he and unexpected unemployment. Finally, it's his way or the highway... in Heaven.

I love ending items about dead people with the words "in Heaven." Here's a Facebook update that did make it to Twitter/Facebook:

Patrick Swayze and Jerry Orbach can argue about putting Baby in the corner... in Heaven.

I like using bold and italics. It brings a warmth, depth, and extra dimension to my writing. It serves as, say, a distraction from the hasty and thoughtless nature of my semi regular articles.

Peace, fuckers. I'm working on a list of people who have died in 2009. This has NOT been a good year to be an unhealthy celebrity.

goochout