Knuckleheads:

It looks like the Genie is going to wind up being a 4.0 at HOTORNOT.COM. Oh well, he's a fighter not a lover.

I did something pretty cool this morning. Instead of waking up late and skipping a shower so I could get to work on time, I woke up early and watched the news, skipping my shower so I could get to work on time.

I love television news. More specifically, I love how television news has covered the Robert Blake incident. They're treating this case like the entire world is wondering "Did Robert Blake kill his wife?" Really, the entire world is wondering "Who's Robert Blake again?"

For those of you who are wondering the latter (most of you), Robert Blake was the star of the hit TV series "Baretta" and the star of the film "In Cold Blood." Back to the TV's handling of this story: This morning, a newscaster was recapping the events that lead up to Blake's becoming a suspect in the crime and actually used the term "murdered in cold blood." Jesus, that's f*cking brilliant! Some news-script writer had to sneak that one in. No self respecting anchor-person would knowingly use that term to describe the incident that occured. Some writer is going to get fired (or, what the hell... promoted) for that one. I'll bet $1000 that if Seinfeld was shot during an argument, the script would read "Jerry Seinfeld was shot last night after an argument about nothing."

NBC's "Dateline" actually mentioned that in the TV series "Baretta," Robert Blake's character's wife is actually shot on the street... coincidence? NBC and Stone Phillips lumped themselves in with the same assholes who point out that if you rearrange the letters in Elvis' name, it spells "LIVES." "Shit, Jeb, that means he has to be alive! Pass the pork rinds!" Some reporter probably asked not "what kind of gun does Blake own," but rather "Was it a Beretta? " The next question: "Was Blake's wife sitting in a Chevy Beretta when she was shot?"

Tacky.

But, when all is said and done, Blake shot his wife. The only evidence I need to come to that conclusion is not that he forgot his gun at the Italian restaurant he and his wife last ate, not that he left his alleged stalking-victim wife in a dark alley while he walked to retrieve the gun four blocks away (not that those events don't look suspicious (and dumb)), but that when a guy's wife gets shot, you seldom hear his attorney on national television calling the dead woman something to the affect of a "thieving slut."

In completely unrelated news, Timothy McVeigh might get to put off his needle-date because the FBI just turned up 3000 documents? I'm all about fairness and "innocent until proven guilty," etc. However, couldn't some FBI secretary have just filed that shit away and then, maybe five years later have said... "Oops!" Nope: This case (and apparently McVeigh) will not die. The man who made my birthday (April 19) synonymous with a day of mourning will live on our dime for a while as the Feds sort this one out.

Wait, I just had an idea:

"Gee Mr. Blake, that was a really great dinner. I can't believe the Warden let me out of prison so I could have dinner with you!"

"Please, Timothy, call me Robert. Oh, shit... I left my gun in the restaurant. Wait right here and I'll go back and get it."

"But Robert, shouldn't we just drive back to the restaurant? It's like four blocks away!"

"No, I have to - I mean I want to walk."

"Can't I come with?"

"Timothy, please, I always walk back to the restaurant when I forget my gun."

"Okay, Robert, but hurry - it's dark out here!"

Imagine the rest for yourself. I've got to go now, I left my pistol at Il Fornaio at lunch today and they're holding it for me.

-GOOCH

Mail Call:

Ismael C. From Chicago wrote: Your website had me laughing pretty hard. I was standing in the post office line, (I copied your log), people thought I was insane. It's too funny. Keep up the good work. Do you update daily?

I update as often as I can, usually when something interesting happens. Like today, for example, while I got into my car this morning my cellular phone fell out of my pocket and behind my front tire. I didn't notice anything until I felt the car roll over something. When I looked ahead to see what I rolled over, well let's just say my heart sank. I got out of the car and kneeled over my Nokia, its LCD inoperable, but everything else intact. I could not think of any crappier way to start the day. It could have been a cat, a puppy, or a child, but no... it had to be my goddamned phone.

So no matter how bad your day is going, think of mine and revel in my suffering - like when you laugh at someone on Millionaire who misses the $500,000 question and walks home with only $32,000.


My Nokia phone: 1998-2001
--Gooch

RATE THE GENIE AT HOTORNOT.COM!

Illiterates:

I've listed the Genie on hotornot.com, please rate him and bring him up to at least a six... Jesus, the gun should have added at least two points. The diet's a struggle, I've lost no weight. I sleep a lot though. Some people may be going to the old goochonline.com website, but the new page is on gooch-1.com, BOTH URLs WILL WORK by the end of today.

Earthlink sucks.
GOOCH