[Girl #1]: I keep trying to lose these extra fifteen pounds, but I just can't seem to lose the weight.

[Girl #2]: I used to have the same problem, until my friend turned me on to cocaine.

[Girl #1]: Cocaine? What's that?

[Girl #2]: It's the only drug proven to help you lose weight, and it's available without a prescription.

[Girl #1]: Sounds great! But how do you take it?

[Girl #2]: You snort it up your nose! Within moments, you start to lose the desire to eat. It's fantastic!

[Announcer]: Side effects of cocaine include: Really bad conversation, loss of disposable income, loss of indisposable income, giving oral sex to the guy with the cocaine, loss of employment, sleeplessness, cleaning the house, grinding your teeth, bloody nose, delusions of grandeur, runny nose, and saying "holy shit, is it daylight already?"

******
Wow, Gooch. Seems like a lot of work just to get a "side effects" joke out there. You know, 2001 called and they want the basis for that joke back. Are you planning on making us stumble through more paragraphs just to get to a "blah blah blah... PRICELESS" punchline? You're a hack. You should quit writing. You peaked about two hours into your "career" at the Portland State Vanguard. You should have stopped there. But, of course, fucking no... you had to do the stupid website. Because people really need to be posted on how drunk you got the night before and whether or not you had sex with some girl who probably was too drunk to know what she was doing. You should have like, three bronzed douche-bags on your mantle because you truly should have received multiple douche-bag awards. They would be called "Douchies." Your introduction could be preceded by "three time Douchie™ award winner... John "Gooch" Gallucci." Hey, asshole: Have another glass of wine and pass out in bed while watching South Park. Just like you did last night, and probably the night before.

Signed: Evil Gooch

******

David Blaine held his breath for 17:04 minutes yesterday on Oprah. What an amazing feat! To top that stunt, I jerked off to Oprah. It took way over 17:04 minutes and there was no camera crew to capture the event, only my digicam on a tripod in my bedroom that was already there from the night before because if I pay for sex I'm gonna fuckin' film it.

******

Is this the shit or what?: SARA RUE V. GOOCHONLINE
The motherfucking saga continues...

Douche:Out

Hillary Clinton just stated in an interview that she's never heard of Red Bull energy drink:

Asked if she's ever had one, she replied, "No. What is it?"

Really a woman of the people? I think she's fucking lying, because what else would she mix with her vodka?



I want a President who's been to a gas station/convenience store/watched a television commercial in the last twenty years. Barck Obama is a man of the people. Right now, he's at a basketball court hustling white people for cash. He's probably got South Park episodes waiting on his DVR and wishing Chapelle was back on the air. Oh, and he's probably playing Mortal Kombat II:

(Thanks again Kelli and Sarah).

Soccer game tonight.

goochout

The Problems with Geek Squad

I hate GeekSquad; they're the problem with everything in my industry. They even look for customer's naked pictures on their computers and share them among their friends/co workers.

I assure you that as a computer technician, if I find naked pictures of you on your computer, I will only show them to a select few of my friends who promise not to tell anyone about it. I'll also bill you a reduced rate.

Integrity: The basis on which my company was founded.

Yesterday didn't suck nearly as bad as I thought it would. It actually turned out okay. I only slept 8 hours last night, as opposed to the previous night's 12. Soccer tonight. Completely out of shape for it; should be interesting.

I miss having SIRIUS in the new car.

goochout

4:00am: After day one of eating flaxseed cereal, green spinach, salad, and lowfat cheese, and no caffeine, I fell asleep at 7:30pm and was unwakeable (not a word) until about 1/2 an hour ago (3:30am). I just checked on backups for two clients, did some billing, and am now instant messaging a man named Wolfe (fellow DJ, used to work with at Montego's) because he doesn't go to sleep until 8am on Tuesdays. Or something.

It's funny how being unhealthy can creep up on you. In January I was a detoxing health food freak. Now, the slightest inkling of vitamins or minerals in my food renders me catatonic and ultimately comatose. Fuck, I want a cheeseburger.

7:30am: I couldn't get out of bed. I think it's depression. Or stress. Whichever. I'm sure I have a pill somewhere that will take care of that. Just got an email indicating that I have a meeting in 1/2 hour.

There's not even anything good on the news today. Today is going to suck.

goochout.

I always thought that I had a huge penis. It turns out that I just have small hands. - me

Well, today is the first day of a 1 week lockdown. Last week was a semi bender of food, booze, and late nights. I feel and look like shit. So, I'm going to stop blogging and get to the gym now.

goochout