[Girl #1]: I keep trying to lose these extra fifteen pounds, but I just can't seem to lose the weight.
[Girl #2]: I used to have the same problem, until my friend turned me on to cocaine.
[Girl #1]: Cocaine? What's that?
[Girl #2]: It's the only drug proven to help you lose weight, and it's available without a prescription.
[Girl #1]: Sounds great! But how do you take it?
[Girl #2]: You snort it up your nose! Within moments, you start to lose the desire to eat. It's fantastic!
[Announcer]: Side effects of cocaine include: Really bad conversation, loss of disposable income, loss of indisposable income, giving oral sex to the guy with the cocaine, loss of employment, sleeplessness, cleaning the house, grinding your teeth, bloody nose, delusions of grandeur, runny nose, and saying "holy shit, is it daylight already?"
******
Wow, Gooch. Seems like a lot of work just to get a "side effects" joke out there. You know, 2001 called and they want the basis for that joke back. Are you planning on making us stumble through more paragraphs just to get to a "blah blah blah... PRICELESS" punchline? You're a hack. You should quit writing. You peaked about two hours into your "career" at the Portland State Vanguard. You should have stopped there. But, of course, fucking no... you had to do the stupid website. Because people really need to be posted on how drunk you got the night before and whether or not you had sex with some girl who probably was too drunk to know what she was doing. You should have like, three bronzed douche-bags on your mantle because you truly should have received multiple douche-bag awards. They would be called "Douchies." Your introduction could be preceded by "three time Douchie™ award winner... John "Gooch" Gallucci." Hey, asshole: Have another glass of wine and pass out in bed while watching South Park. Just like you did last night, and probably the night before.
Signed: Evil Gooch
******
David Blaine held his breath for 17:04 minutes yesterday on Oprah. What an amazing feat! To top that stunt, I jerked off to Oprah. It took way over 17:04 minutes and there was no camera crew to capture the event, only my digicam on a tripod in my bedroom that was already there from the night before because if I pay for sex I'm gonna fuckin' film it.
******
Is this the shit or what?: SARA RUE V. GOOCHONLINE
The motherfucking saga continues...
Douche:Out
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