Oh, man. That "sex with your clone..." line was actually already written by me on Tuesday, May 14, 2002. Check the Archives, it's there. I had a funny feeling that I had already written that and I did a search. I'm rewriting my own, old jokes. I'm tapped for humor; that was it. I'm done. I'll be writing drama and poetry from here on out. It was fun while it lasted.

Thanks to everyone that bid on my two ebay items I put up earlier. I'm going to use the cash to do something that I've always wanted to do.

Pay for sex.

Why should restaurants, jewelers, and leather boutiques get the cash in my efforts to bury a bone? Dating is too complicated, anyways. Two girls so far in my quest for a Goochette have intimated to me after weeks of hanging out that they have boyfriends or something similar to that effect. With every door that closes, another one opens and hits me in the balls with the door knob.

I AM HERE; YOU ARE THERE.

Hi, my name is John. How are you today?

If you have sex with your clone, is it considered masturbation?

Jury duty blew ass. Haven't seen a case yet, but I've read a lot of magazines and avoided eye contact with a lot of people. Gotta do it tomorrow. Great!

Jury Duty? God... Dammit.

I actually had to set my alarm for the first time since my early retirement (unemployment). "Report to the Jury Room no later than 8am." I haven't seen 8am since I passed out at a party at 9am. I love that a huge part of our judicial system is comprised of jurors like me. People who either had nothing better to do for two days, or people too stupid to figure out how to get out of Jury Duty. Last time I was summoned for jury duty I completely spaced on it and never called and never showed up. There probably is no jury duty today. I'm going to show up and get the shit kicked out of me my the jury police for not showing honoring the last summons.

Judge not lest ye be judged. I'm gonna miss Regis and Kelly again!

BRANDON S. TOBLER
RESIDENT OF PORTLAND, OREGON AND GRADUATE OF FRANKLIN HIGH SCHOOL DIED SATURDAY IN THE PERSIAN GULF.

KOIN: Portland Soldier Killed In Iraq
Portland Tribune: Portland reservist dies in Iraq war

What the fuck? - I forgot to set the alarm/lock the doors on my car Monday night. Someone went in and pulled all of the contents of the center console and glove compartment and put them on the passenger seat. What they actually shuffled but didn't take was a large check made out to me, a $40 portable radio that I wear only when I work out (so it's like brand new), a $25 five-D-cell Mag-Lite flashlight that could have been used to kill me should I have stumbled onto the perpetrators in action. They could have even taken my bottle of ephedrine, if not for anything but to catch a buzz. What was stolen out of the Goochmobile? About $.89 in change out of the ashtray. They left the ashtray, which is $40 part from Ford that fits in the cupholder. So my net loss was spare change, which hurt a lot at the drive-thru when I couldn't produce exact change. I even had the Ford parked in the south parking lot of the Gooch Compound, which is right under my bedroom window.

Welcome to Gresham, baby.

RAPE... RAPE?

Before the band Perfect in Plastic became defunct, we half-heartedly passed around lyrics for a rap song via email. It was supposed to be pretty much about geeking out, downloading files, using the internet, and computers in general. Here was my portion, written to be rapped on my behalf. MCP means "Microsoft Certified Professional," which I am. Mistakris was one of the members of PiP and opened up one of his songs with "I'll fuck your Mom in the ass," which made me laugh through shock value alone. Rocco Siffredi and Ron Jeremy are porn stars. 97060 is the zip code for Troutdale, where I live. Adobe Acrobat is what generates .pdf files. "Ho" is short for "honey."

I'm the MCP of PiP
Mistakris'll fuck your mom in the ass
I'll tape it and burn it to DVD
put an mp4 on a CD
show it to my friends on WebTV
rip the audio to mp3

Napster's in the crapster
and Kazaa's the shiznit
there's a fine line between real and counterfit
I'm an idiot downloading shit
from Korn to porn
From midnight 'til 6 in the morn

Ing
Filling up hard drives
like it's no
thing

The record industry just wasn't ready
Now I'm fucking them like I'm
Rocco Siffredi

Or Ron Jeremy
now they think they're scarin' me
With their peer to peer virus
I'm gonna lock 'em in a room and
make them listen to Billy Ray Cyrus

That oughta do it...
My girlfriend said screw it
Kicked me out of the house
'cause I spent to much time on the mouse
and not the cat
She put my eviction notice on Adobe Acrobat

Now I'm living in nine-seven-oh-six-oh
I had a good girl
Now I need a ho
People tell me I'll find one someday
I don't got time for that shit
I'll get one off Ebay