The only thing I care about sustaining is my buzz. High five?

British Petroleum can suck a dick. It's not that they've created the worst eco-disaster since the eradication of the dinosaurs. Rather, it's this fucking "sustainability for the sake of marketing" bullshit that makes me want to roll around in my cache of blood diamonds and secret stash of styrofoam McDonalds burger boxes from the 80s.

Earth friendliness used to be a movement of the hippies. They gardened for the sake of growing their own vegetables to save money and to avoid pesticides. They pioneered the use of less fossil fuels. It was a genuine thing. Then, like everything else, corporations figured a way to make earth friendliness "trendy" and then make money from it. The movement of "sustainability" was born the bastard son of marketing and making money out of ideas rather than doing anything. Hybrid cars were purchased for the sake of status rather than giving a shit about the environment. Seriously: Do you think a single Hybrid car would be purchased if it didn't have a "Hybrid" emblem on it? Priuses are the ugliest cars manufactured in recent history... and that's a marketing tool. Why? Because people want to stand out and show the world "hey, I have an ugly fucking car, but I paid a shit-ton for it and I'm helping the environment! Sort of!"

Then, some genius came up with LEED accreditation. That's right, you can pay some company for the right to say you are qualified to separate beer bottles from the plastic Cool Whip tubs. Now the act of putting fluorescent lights into a building is a social statement and not just something that every public school and Wal-Mart has done since the dawn of time. I replaced the lights in my condo seven years ago with compact fluorescents. Where's my patchouli smelling blow job?

There's an ocean in the picture. Otherwise, just as you guessed: no relevance whatsoever.

And to further the bullshit, you can buy green credits. Holy shit! Instead of changing your business/living habits, you can simply buy your way out of being an Earth-Enemy. I think the Catholics had something like this where you could buy your penance instead of saying some Hail Marys or whatever. I loved that Catholic business model. Can you imagine? "I've saved up enough penance money to fuck two whores this weekend. I heart Catholicism!" Anyways, I guess you figure out how big your carbon footprint is, then pay someone based on what it will take to offset your dickness-to-the-environment.

Of course, I'm sure you get a big suitable-for-framing certificate for your lobby/office, because seldom does anyone do anything for the sake of the environment without wanting credit for it. I bet people that buy Carbon offsets have no idea where the money goes, which I'm sure there's some hefty "administration" allotment taken out of that chunk of green you used to, you know, look green. People care more about certificates and "hybrid" emblems than actually doing anything for the sake of the planet.

I'm not saying that I lead the most "sustainable" existence. I recycle, and I maintain that a four-cylinder fuel-efficient car makes more sense than a hybrid in the long run. Like I said earlier, I use compact fluorescents where it works for me. I don't make a big deal out of any of it though. If you make a big deal about social element, you'd better fucking not fuck up within that element. Unclear?

People hate hypocrisy.

Elliott Spitzer was a prosecutor of all things prostitution. He shouldn't have gotten caught with a prostitute. Priests shouldn't be fucking little kids. Cops shouldn't be commiting crimes and/or road raging (like they do quite often in Portland lately). I have taken absolutely no social stand my entire life. This allows me to live a life somewhat free of contrived accolades and should I get caught doing something wrong, well go fuck yourselves. My big stance? Spelling. I hates me a typo. Should you find a misspelling in any of my writing, then give me hell.

Oh, I also like animals. However, I was told once that every time I masturbate, a kitten dies. Putting my own well being over that of the adorable animals, I single handedly (heh) thought I'd generated a Cat-Auschwitz from 1987 to the present day. Even now, very time I soil a sock, I expect to walk downstairs to find my own cat keeled over.

I digress.

From bp.com: "So a black guy and a Muslim chick walk into a green house..."
Oh yeah... hypocrisy. British Petroleum has a green looking website with stock photos of people that look like they are doing earth-friendly things. This is a result of the sustainability trend. Once you've lifted yourself up onto a big green pedestal, you look like a total fucking asshole when you fuck up the habitat of aquatic life for the next hundred years. I mean, Exxon didn't spend a lot of time holding their eco-cock up to a ruler and saying "look... look at me!" When they destroyed Alaska's coastline it was more like... "we're an oil company. Shit happens." BP set themselves up for a trickier PR task: When you've spent so much advertising in blowing your own environmental efforts horn for years, then fuck up so much of the environment... how do you recover?

BP Oil Spill, 2010

Other than cleaning up the mess, there's not much they really have to do. They're probably just getting ready to wallpaper their warehouse with freshly purchased and printed Carbon-Offset certificates. Problem solved.

Gooch:Out



I refuse to buy gas at any BP related station. Not because of the environment, but because it looks as though the price of seafood is about to skyrocket. Those motherfuckers.