Saturday, April 03, 2004

CDC research finds no evidence stretching prevents injuries


Another example of how science is 50% guessing, 40% bullshit, and 20% math. Unless you're a scientist in outer-southeast Portland, where it's 20% meth.

You mean we could have shaved 30 minutes off of track practice and football practice? Who do I sue for this shit? Touch my toes? I can't see my fucking toes. What are they going to come out with next... sex doesn't really lead to pregnancy?

I'm going to see if alcohol really does increase judgement. Tonight, the experiment is on like Cheech and Chong.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Men ignoring restraining orders and killing their wives anyway.

I have an idea... Print the restraining orders directly on Kevlar vests. Screen-print it, I don't care. People are nuts, an 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper isn't good enough.

If I didn't have sex with my wife and she comes to me and says she's pregnant with the son of God, I'd be reluctant to believe her. Maybe it's a change of sociological and psychological views between nine-months B.C. and now. Maybe I'm just bitter with relationships. Maybe I'm going to hell for writing this. That divine intervention stuff doesn't happen anymore like it used to. Back then a burning bush was a religious phenomenon; now it's a symptom of VD. Was the birth of Christ immaculate conception or the result of a cheating wife's elaborate lie? Was Christianity born from one careless night with a ranch-hand in a manger? Christ: The Unauthorized Biography

This week on Fox, if it was a real show.

Directed by Mel Gibson, if it was a real show.

April 1st today. I turn 30 this month. Fuck.