Created a new AudioLog. Click the GoochRadio link above for six minutes of me saying "ahhh..." and "ummm..." and other exciting paralanguage.

I need a script.

I AM THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR

Smokey Bear arrested for pot possession

Smokey "The" Bear, 53, icon of campfire safety and hero to children since 1950, has been indicted for possession of marijuana.

Investigators would not specify as to the amounts found on Bear, but stated that the amounts could likely be classified as for "personal use." The arrest concludes a month-long investigation into Smokey Bear's possible involvement in a growing operation near his home in New Mexico. The reported growing operation was not discovered, but drug paraphenalia was found during a search of Bear's cabin.

Probably the most famous bear in the history of the United States, Smokey Bear was a New Mexico black bear cub found alive in a tree after a massive forest fire in the Lincoln National Forest near Capitan, NM. In 1950, the U.S. Forest Service and the Advertising Council utilized Smokey as the symbol for fire prevention campaigns conducted all over the country.

Bear's arrest has rocked the USFS who is already reeling from the arrest of Terry Barton, a Forest Service worker, Sunday in connection with the fire that has charred more than 100,000 acres south of Denver.

I think that the lady who set the Colorado fires should be sentenced to a life of community service right along with the guy who plowed the Exxon Valdez into Alaska.

Holy shit.

Is it a female thing to infuse drama into every action and aspect of their lives? Burning a love letter from her estranged husband? Reason #2845 to start banning soap operas. Her only job was to make sure there were no camp fires... and she starts one. Her job consisted of hiking and fucking with campers; and she screwed that up.

One-hundred thousand acres later and already three deaths have occurred, not to mention the wildlife. Hey, lady: YOU FUCKING TORCHED BAMBI... YOU BITCH!

According to initial reports, the firestarter actually contemplated burning the letter in a bucket of oily rags next to a propane tank. She figured that the forest would be a better option because she could do it on the clock.

Before anyone reads the last passage and says "Really?" to me, keep in mind that I tend to start my bullshit statements with "according to initial reports."

My insomnia is back... FULL FUCKING SWING. Since I don't have to be at work until 9am, I haven't even bothered with an alarm clock for the last month. I guess that'll change soon. Man, I'm tired.

I think I need to take a class to figure out how to work my new phone, which has more functions and features than I do. Click 'Email Gooch" above to see the phone.

I've been playing Grand Theft Auto III for hours on end. Last night I had a dream that I was playing and a digitized Freddy Prinze Jr. drove up. I pulled him out of his car, got in his car, then got back out of the car, pulled out a baseball bat, and clubbed him. I then started running around looking for Rosie O'Donnell and the cast from The View.

I need more sleep.

I have so much to talk about! I spent a shitpot full of cash this weekend, which usually has a direct correlation to how much I have to talk about. I got a new wireless phone... state of the art German shit. It records conversations, synchs with my Outlook... It's cool. In the meantime, I've been playing couple of games that I downloaded off of Kazaa. Max Payne and Grand Theft Auto III are bending my new video card over a park bench and sodomizing it... but the video card wants more. I'm not a gamer, but I'm having a good time.

GTAIII: If there was widespread demand for a simulation of setting car bombs, robbing pimps, clubbing prostitutes like baby seals, and running over pedestrians with a stolen car, this game fills the void. Great game... JESUS!

Max Payne: beautiful game, great story. Well done. I'll write more later... tired and buzzed.

Happy (not a) Father's Day!