Saturday, September 21, 2002
Friday, September 20, 2002
If you think that I'm resting on my laurels (not the "laurel" that I had sex with in the 'Mr. America' column in the COLUMNS section) because I kicked out a considerable amount of content this week... you're absolutely right. Two columns last week: soak 'em in. Usually while I'm watching the Anna Nicole Smith show on Sunday I start thinking of stuff to write about. She's my muse. A big, fat, slurring, idiotic, hick muse. And speaking of sex with my uncle, I'm going to the Ford dealer to get the oil in my truck changed. Have you ever taken a new car to the dealer for routine maintenance? Can't afford a new car? Me neither. That didn't stop me. Nonetheless... if you haven't taken a car to the dealer for service, bend over a couch and get sodomized by your Father-In-Law while he puts his cigarette out on your lower back. It's real painful at first, but you get used to it after a while.
If you're at work today (not like me), and need something to read, check out Mike Jasper and his light, good-hearted writings. Or you could go to The NetWits and pick from a plethora of internet columnists.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Content abounds on GoochOnline! Click on the COLUMNS button on the menu, or click HERE for "Here He is... Mr. America." Also, there's a new column (as of Monday) in the COLUMNS section as well.
GOOCHONLINE Tip: The "Bob Greene" blog should be read first before the "Red Green" blog (immediately below) in order to make any sense at all. You see, it's all in reverse order. Sign my guestbook. Join the goddammed mailing list. Do something.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Bob Greene's brother, Red would not comment on the columnist's issues when contacted by GoochOnline. He did say, however: "If the women don't find you handsome, for God's sake don't let them find you in a hotel room with a teenage girl." Words to the wise.
Red Green
Oh, yeah: I get that the last names don't jive.
Don't know who Red Green is? Click HERE.
I'm pretty tired of duct tape jokes, but RG makes me laugh at them just the same.
CNN: Columnist resigns over sexual relationship
CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- Nationally syndicated Chicago Tribune columnist Bob Greene resigned after acknowledging he engaged in inappropriate sexual conduct with a teenage girl, the newspaper said Sunday.
The ironic thing is that (according to the story) Greene almost won a Pulitzer for writing about children's rights. I guess it's analogous to my writing about local music. I wrote about local music, so I felt like I should go to some local shows. He wrote about teenagers, so he too immersed himself in his subject matter. I'm just glad he didn't write about animal rights.
Sunday, September 15, 2002
GOOCH (the column)
Posted 9/15/02
© 2002
A guy in my apartment complex informed me that he, in fact, is trying to quit smoking.
"Great!" I said. "Cold turkey?" I inquired. "Nope, I'm using the patch."
"The patch," (an over-the-counter transdermal nicotine delivery system) has become a popular method for people trying to quit smoking.
The patch perplexes me and (if to no one else but myself) is taking on its own style and persona that I find myself exploring more and more. The patch has a lot going for it. It can be used anywhere, there's absolutely no negative stigma toward it (a positive one, if anything), and with common knowledge being that you're absolutely NOT supposed to smoke while wearing the patch, it gives the user an easy excuse not to imbibe in the habit they're so desperately trying to break.
When you have a bad habit and you're trying to break it, your friends suck. If you're trying to cut down on drinking and you're in a bar drinking a soda pop, Gooch's law dictates that your friends will fuck with you. "Have a drink," they'll say. "What's wrong?" Like not drinking is the sign of a problem. You can get drunk and piss yourself in a public place... and your friends will be the last to ask you if "there's anything wrong."
That's where the patch would come in handy. An alcohol patch, that is. "Hey bro, want a shot?" You could reply, "No thanks," then motion toward your upper arm, discreetly informing your friend that you've started the first step of your "Alcoderm" patch. Since people react to different types of alcohol in different ways, you could have varieties like "JagerDerm" and "JackDanielsDerm."
That's how society works. If you're offered a carrot stick, and you decline, there's never an "are you sure?" If you're offered a glazed doughnut and you decline, someone's likely to say "what, are you on a diet?" Like "no" isn't good enough or there's something wrong with not eating a doughnut. Not doing things that are bad for you is an act of deviance.
Quite frankly, I dig the real stuff. If people want to engage in a step down program for anything, then perhaps we should start selling shot glasses in different sizes. Cigarettes at different lengths. I wish I smoked. I'm pretty uncool in real life and it'd be nice to have something to do in a social setting with my hands than check my watch three times in a minute or check the calendar on my Palm Pilot. Nope... I'd love to have a Zippo lighter, a pack of Marlboro "reds" (in the hard pack). Whenever I'd get nervous, I'd light up a cigarette. Chicks would dig me, men would respect me. Unfortunately, I can't get through a cigarette without getting nauseous.
The solution? The patch. I'll start low, then work my way up. It'll be the "step up" program. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Posted 9/15/02
© 2002
You Can't Match the Patch
A guy in my apartment complex informed me that he, in fact, is trying to quit smoking.
"Great!" I said. "Cold turkey?" I inquired. "Nope, I'm using the patch."
"The patch," (an over-the-counter transdermal nicotine delivery system) has become a popular method for people trying to quit smoking.
The patch perplexes me and (if to no one else but myself) is taking on its own style and persona that I find myself exploring more and more. The patch has a lot going for it. It can be used anywhere, there's absolutely no negative stigma toward it (a positive one, if anything), and with common knowledge being that you're absolutely NOT supposed to smoke while wearing the patch, it gives the user an easy excuse not to imbibe in the habit they're so desperately trying to break.
When you have a bad habit and you're trying to break it, your friends suck. If you're trying to cut down on drinking and you're in a bar drinking a soda pop, Gooch's law dictates that your friends will fuck with you. "Have a drink," they'll say. "What's wrong?" Like not drinking is the sign of a problem. You can get drunk and piss yourself in a public place... and your friends will be the last to ask you if "there's anything wrong."
That's where the patch would come in handy. An alcohol patch, that is. "Hey bro, want a shot?" You could reply, "No thanks," then motion toward your upper arm, discreetly informing your friend that you've started the first step of your "Alcoderm" patch. Since people react to different types of alcohol in different ways, you could have varieties like "JagerDerm" and "JackDanielsDerm."
That's how society works. If you're offered a carrot stick, and you decline, there's never an "are you sure?" If you're offered a glazed doughnut and you decline, someone's likely to say "what, are you on a diet?" Like "no" isn't good enough or there's something wrong with not eating a doughnut. Not doing things that are bad for you is an act of deviance.
Quite frankly, I dig the real stuff. If people want to engage in a step down program for anything, then perhaps we should start selling shot glasses in different sizes. Cigarettes at different lengths. I wish I smoked. I'm pretty uncool in real life and it'd be nice to have something to do in a social setting with my hands than check my watch three times in a minute or check the calendar on my Palm Pilot. Nope... I'd love to have a Zippo lighter, a pack of Marlboro "reds" (in the hard pack). Whenever I'd get nervous, I'd light up a cigarette. Chicks would dig me, men would respect me. Unfortunately, I can't get through a cigarette without getting nauseous.
The solution? The patch. I'll start low, then work my way up. It'll be the "step up" program. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Looking for the party pictures from 09.14.02? They're in the "PICS" page, or click HERE (kind of low-res... it's empathy for my dial-up friends and for me, since I took the "smart" out of Smart Card by leaving the hi capacity digital film card at home.