Posted 9/15/02
© 2002
You Can't Match the Patch
A guy in my apartment complex informed me that he, in fact, is trying to quit smoking.
"Great!" I said. "Cold turkey?" I inquired. "Nope, I'm using the patch."
"The patch," (an over-the-counter transdermal nicotine delivery system) has become a popular method for people trying to quit smoking.
The patch perplexes me and (if to no one else but myself) is taking on its own style and persona that I find myself exploring more and more. The patch has a lot going for it. It can be used anywhere, there's absolutely no negative stigma toward it (a positive one, if anything), and with common knowledge being that you're absolutely NOT supposed to smoke while wearing the patch, it gives the user an easy excuse not to imbibe in the habit they're so desperately trying to break.
When you have a bad habit and you're trying to break it, your friends suck. If you're trying to cut down on drinking and you're in a bar drinking a soda pop, Gooch's law dictates that your friends will fuck with you. "Have a drink," they'll say. "What's wrong?" Like not drinking is the sign of a problem. You can get drunk and piss yourself in a public place... and your friends will be the last to ask you if "there's anything wrong."
That's where the patch would come in handy. An alcohol patch, that is. "Hey bro, want a shot?" You could reply, "No thanks," then motion toward your upper arm, discreetly informing your friend that you've started the first step of your "Alcoderm" patch. Since people react to different types of alcohol in different ways, you could have varieties like "JagerDerm" and "JackDanielsDerm."
That's how society works. If you're offered a carrot stick, and you decline, there's never an "are you sure?" If you're offered a glazed doughnut and you decline, someone's likely to say "what, are you on a diet?" Like "no" isn't good enough or there's something wrong with not eating a doughnut. Not doing things that are bad for you is an act of deviance.
Quite frankly, I dig the real stuff. If people want to engage in a step down program for anything, then perhaps we should start selling shot glasses in different sizes. Cigarettes at different lengths. I wish I smoked. I'm pretty uncool in real life and it'd be nice to have something to do in a social setting with my hands than check my watch three times in a minute or check the calendar on my Palm Pilot. Nope... I'd love to have a Zippo lighter, a pack of Marlboro "reds" (in the hard pack). Whenever I'd get nervous, I'd light up a cigarette. Chicks would dig me, men would respect me. Unfortunately, I can't get through a cigarette without getting nauseous.
The solution? The patch. I'll start low, then work my way up. It'll be the "step up" program. Yeah, that's the ticket.
No comments:
Post a Comment