So, I'm outside vacuuming out the Goochmobile when a man with an orange utility vest started lurking around the Gooch Compound. I thought nothing of it, dismissing him as a meter reader or a serial murderer.
He was neither. He was worse.
After vacuuming out my SUV, I walked back into the crib to watch some of my illegally obtained expanded cable.
It was gone. All that was left was the channels I was actually paying for.
Son of a bitch. I'll I've got now is channels 2 through 33 and the E! channel. I've got the spanish channel, but no Comedy Central. I've got the local news, but no CNN. Maybe that cable guy could have done something less insidious like, I don't know... RUN AN ICEPICK THROUGH MY FUCKING HEART? Stealing cable television is comparable to raping a priest. You're just returning the favor. Cable? a ripoff since day one (or uno on Univision). $40/month and still no Sopranos? How about I put two chairs about two feet apart, stand on the chairs with one foot on each of them, and pull down my pants so that Comcast can lick my balls? I think it's a great idea.
I'm off to a cabin tonight for the beginning of an all day bachelor party tomorrow beginning with a fishing trip and ending with a dinner/stripper fest that evening. I put together the evening portion, and I'm hoping that the wedding rings dissolve off of the fingers of my sucker cohorts once the strippers enter the fray.
Gooch: Angry at marriage since 1994.
