Followers:
I lack charisma. I can't talk for 10 seconds without losing someone's attention. Whenever I want to get a point across to someone it sounds as if I'm pitching a sitcom in an elevator at Fox. I have always had to be quick and concise when I speak to anyone. At least with my writing, I can't tell when I'm being ignored. Quite frankly, I love catering to the short attention span. It's why I haven't written a book. Well, that and lack of ambition.
Yet my comfort in concisity (I know) continues with a small independent website known as "Twitter." It's a website that allows you to write 140 characters or less at a time. It's a process that I call "microblogging" and I really think it's going to catch on. Here's my favorites from this year (so far).
Enjoy.
Gooch:Out
Two years into the first B.lack P.residency and the entire South ends up getting tarred. #paybacksabitch #conspiracy
Where was I when I heard that MJ died? I was driving on Hwy 30 and trying to text my dealer to cancel my propofol order for the week.
I watch curling the way a 6 year old watches porn: I have no idea what I'm watching, but I can't look away. #curling
Portland just ranked 50th in America for "manliest cities?" I can't wait to tell my esthetician about this.
Daniel Craig gay rumors? "I like my salad tossed, not stirred."
9:58 PM Jun 21st
Not to sound shallow or noncommittal, but can I get a new mattress that's super comfortable on one side and NOT comfortable on the other?
11:58 AM Jun 8th
Maytag recalls 1.7M dishwashers. When I heard there was a "dishwasher recall," I thought they meant an immigration raid at a restaurant.
4:47 PM Jun 3rd
RIP Rue McClanahan. Your "Golden Girls"character, Blanche, spat in the face of 80s AIDS and showed that promiscuity has no age limit.
9:16 AM Jun 3rd
Victoria Principal donated $200,000 to assist in resolving the BP oil-spill. Who donated $200,000 to Victoria Principal?
7:03 AM Jun 2nd
Finally: officials have called upon James Cameron and Kevin Costner to assist with the oil leak. What took them so long?
7:00 AM Jun 2nd
"...now, if that's a fact, tell me, am I lying? 'Cause you, you're part eggplant." - RIP Dennis Hopper
10:54 AM May 29th
Tweet from the future: $18 for an oyster shooter? Thanks BP!
2:19 PM May 27th
Delete . Tonight on Larry King: Paris Hilton salutes the troops. Sores and stripes forever!
7:59 AM May 27th
Idol winner hint: it's the one that isn't very charismatic, will likely not produce a top 40 hit, and will be forgotten in about two months.
10:01 PM May 26th
Simon Monjack was killed by a drug overdose? Diabetes must've had the day off.
8:09 AM May 24th via Twee
I don't think I knew what good direction was until I watched "The Messenger" this morning.
8:49 AM May 23rd
Bret Michaels survived a brain hemorrhage only to have a stroke? God is clearly a Crüe fan.
8:41 PM May 21st
I seldom find anything more disorienting than hearing a Christmas carol at the precipice of summer.
3:02 PM May 21st
Is installing fluorescent lights becoming a social statement and not just something that grocery stores and public schools have always done?
9:43 AM May 5th
Randy Quaid and Tito Ortiz are in Jail? How can I sleep while others are oppressed?
Delete . $18.5 million in punitive damages to be paid by the Boy Scouts of America to Kerry Lewis? Why couldn't I have been a more attractive child?
Watched Donnie Darko for the first time. Noticed that the actress who played Dr. Thurman was also in 1972's "Get to Know Your Rabbit." Ha.
10:05 PM Apr 23rd
I don't have any kids, so I took someone else's child to work today. Only lasted until lunch. Amber alerts are such buzzkills.
5:20 PM Apr 22nd
The World would be a better place if the ability to read was instinctive and making babies required a high school diploma.
1:58 PM Apr 11th
Going to start a bluegrass Alice in Chains cover band called Alice in Krause.
10:51 PM Apr 3rd
I believe that silence isn't golden, it's silver. At least when duct tape is involved.
10:58 AM Apr 1st
Hangover 2: It's gonna happen. Not sure if it's necessary, but why the hell not? [Takes another drink of breakfast beer, high-fives cat].
6:42 AM Mar 31st
Think Enterprise will deliver a rental to the bar at 2:30? With insurance; still cheaper than a cab. Don't want to drive my own car later.
9:30 PM Mar 17th
Tonight's the night that the Irish get drunk and brag about being Irish. Or, as my Irish friends refer to it: any given Wednesday.
7:29 PM Mar 17th
Why do anchorpeople blame the meteorologist for a rainy forecast and not blame the metro reporter for a double-homicide?
Found out that my cat's diet consists of 30% carbohydrates, 20% water, 20% protein, and 30% speaker wire.
11:26 PM Mar 10th
Rest In Peace, Corey Haim. We all thought Feldman would go first, if it makes you feel any better.
7:25 AM Mar 10th
I steal ramekins.
5:18 AM Mar 9th via Tweed
How'd they get Notorious B.I.G. To play the lead role in 'Precious?'
10:45 PM Mar 3rd via Tweed
I hear that they're looking for a more masculine suitor for next season's "The Bachelor." Too bad Elton John and Liberace aren't available.
5:42 AM Mar 3rd
Anyone watching the Health Care Summit in Hi Def: check out the facial hair on Pelosi. Seriously, I just scratched my screen with tweezers.
Has ever a better tasting medley been yielded by the evolution of the culinary arts than that of Diet Pepsi and DayQuil? I dare say not.
"The Hangover" in the bedroom PS3, Taco Bell in the fridge for tomorrow. I choose to live simply so that others may simply F themselves. : )
I want to write a screenplay about two janitors and a bowler who form some sort of underdog Olympic curling team.
I read in Men's Health that to feel younger, you should have sex like you did when you were 20. Anyone know where I can rent an '88 Integra?
Just Received a text: "what part of Portland has the most gays per square meter?" as I'm watching 'ABBA: The Movie.' Response: "My condo."
If it was possible, I think some of my friends would text to 911 dispatchers instead of having to talk to an actual person.
Happy Hour? I don't find anything "happy' about lowering drink prices and promoting binge drinking. Just kidding, I'll be there around 5:15.
So... www.meganslaw.com is NOT a dating website. Good to know. Good to know.
A new Wall Street movie starring Michael Douglas and Shia La-effing-bouf? [coworker lunges towards me, pulls gun away from my mouth]. Why?
Has McDonald's ever produced a commercial with a black person that doesn't rap or dance (or be Kobe Bryant)?
Lunch: Instead of a large drink, I ordered a small and just sat closer to the soda fountain. We all have to adapt to this down economy.
"Warning: alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication." Don't threaten me with a good time.
How come I never hear about adults dying after "faith healing" efforts? Do they just test this stuff out on the kids?
"Bring the dog, I love animals... I'm a great cook." Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) at the beginning of Fatal Attraction. Nice foreshadowing.
"You can get this prescription for pain medication filled at our pharmacy, or at any dive bar in Gresham."
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