Ah... the weekend.

Monroe (WA) prisoner amputates his own penis.

When asked what it felt like, the prisoner said "like marriage, but less expensive."

Hey-ooooooo.

Danica Patrick: Doesn't drive for NASCAR, is still a piece of ass. I stand corrected.
I thought it was all NASCAR. I'm not very smart. My penis is, though.
Because it wants to have sex with Danica Patrick.

Apologies to anyone offended by my NASCAR jab yesterday. I didn't intend on hurting anyone's feelings. Honestly, I didn't know you guys could get on the internet. How's that dial-up account treating you.

Ha!

Of course, the trailer parks are going to start migrating from 56k dialup to high speed, thanks to the Portland rollout of Clearwire wireless internet service.

I like the Clearwire advertising strategy. They've put simple ads throughout the Metro area that state things like "This isn't a bus stop, it's a place to get wireless internet." Or something like that. "This isn't a billboard, it's a place to get wireless internet," and a truck with a full scale model of a living room in its plexiglass enclosed bed that reads "This isn't a living room, it's a place to get wireless internet."

Pretty clever. They should hand this ad campaign over to me to, you know, squeeze some more life out of it:

[In a strip club]: This isn't a place to pay strippers $20 a song to grind their knee in your crotch, it's a place to get wireless internet.

[Outside the bath house on 10th avenue in Portland]: This isn't a place for anonymous gay sex, it's a place to get wireless internet.

[On a sign next to Johnson Creek in Portland]: This isn't a place to dump a dead hooker, it's a place to get wireless internet.

[Outside Portland's City Hall]: This isn't a a place to fuck an 18(ish) year-old intern, it's a place to get wireless internet.

[Outside a club]: This isn't a place to lie in an effort to get laid, it's a place to get wireless internet.

[On a side street in Northwest Portland]: This isn't a place to have a drunken piss at 3am, it's a place to get wireless internet.

Oh, it could go on. Laughs ahoy!

I gotta get back to work.

goochout.

There you go, Greg.
Happy Birthday, Kelli.

Morning Wood

Danica Patrick. I want to have sex with her. I could give a shit about cars, racing, or anything else but having sex with her. NASCAR is just a bunch of hicks watching cars go around a track hoping that someone will crash and die so that they can put the deceased's car number sticker on their oversized pickup that will never see dirt.

I'm having a great week. How are you?

goochout

If it's raining raining fists...

...you should use an umberella hey hey hey. *

TMZ somehow got their hands on a police photo showing Rihanna post-beating. I don't think Chris Brown is a big enough star to weather this incident.

TMZ has enabled measures to disable the ability to download photos from their site. It's about a 10 second workaround.

*Sort of a play on Rihanna's song, titled "Umbrella." Much funnier in my head than when it's actually typed.

Morning (Hard) Wood

Wow, that title didn't make it any less suggestive. Of course, I'm talking about the hardwood basketball court on which a major fight broke out. It's not the best footage, but if you're at work... what else do you have to spend time doing?

Pill may help erase memories...

Pill May Be Able to Erase Bad Memories (AOL Health)

Fucking sweet!

Girl: I'm seeing someone else.
Me: That sucks [pulls out pill carrier, sifts through Viagra and Xanax, pulls out memory pill], do you have an 8 oz. glass of water?

I could also erase my interview questions with Bo Jackson, the day Chuck D. didn't call me for an interview, the entire year that Hanson's "Mmm Bop" was released, and the day last week when I stepped on a scale.

Wow, something besides alcohol to help erase the bad memories.

goochout.

Before and After

Mickey Rourke: Before and After

Thank God for the plastic surgery; it's really helped him retain his youthful appearance.

I did like "The Wrestler," though.

goochout

Valentine's Day Hangover

(Inspired by various bathroom wall writings):

No matter how beautiful, funny, nice, rich and caring you think she is, someone out there is sick of her shit.

That someone, apparently, is Chris Brown.







Sometimes the best advice you can give someone in a troubled relationship is:


Duck!


Chris Brown issues apology for Rihanna beating (TMZ)

goochout

Only in Oregon

MyWay News: Ore. man loses earlobe in dispute over parking spot

I'm so fucking proud to be from Oregon. If it's meth, a domestic dispute, a pedophile(ish) politician (we've had more than one), a shitty sheriff, a cult, or a school shooting, there's a good chance it's happening in Oregon.

Happy 150th birthday, Oregon. In the family of States, you've managed to become the Old Spice/Wild Turkey smelling Uncle at the family reunion who keeps staring at his niece from 100 yards away because that's what the restraining order mandates.

goochout