I should know by now that if I think something I write is offensive and even think about taking it down, then it will be loved by the people who read this site daily. The "Porn" entry a couple of posts ago proved that I can not only be absurdly distasteful, but somewhat entertaining.

Arctic Circle was a staple of my fat-kid diet during the eighties. The lime-rickeys, the fry sauce, the mushroom burgers, the failed health inspections... a culinary experience worthy of the lunch money that hadn't yet been stolen from me during the school day.

The Arctic Circles in Portland closed up and moved to "family oriented communities," which meant they relocated to hick fucking towns that don't seem to mind a dirty kitchen. However, one returned to Portland just down the street from Montego's, where I sometimes DJ. The AC is calling to me. Right now, as I write this, I want to go indulge in childhood memories and drink the fry sauce right out of the tub. I want to drink a lime rickey (fuck Diet Coke). I want to order a huge burger, tell myself I'm only going to eat half, then eat the whole fucking thing anyways.

Um, off to the gym.

fuck.

goochout.

I bought a $13 set of headphones and was given the opportunity to purchase a "protection" plan in case the headphones should fail. The price of this protection plan was $6. That can't make sense to anyone and the salesman actually kept a straight face while offering this to me.

I should have punched him. If I knew how to throw a punch.

goochout.

All I really need to know about sex I learned from watching porn:

Girls like it when you shoot a load in their face. The more the better. This technique also eliminates the need to use a condom during sex.

Jazz music always leads to sex.

Women like anal sex more than they would really lead you to believe. You should try to integrate it into every intimate encounter you have.

While receiving oral sex, put your hand on the back of the girl's head. It shows her that you really appreciate her efforts.

Hot girls with big fake breasts love fat guys with hairy backs.

******

End of the month. Lots of paperwork to do. It's too nice outside to work. I will anyways.

goochout.