Happy Birthday Britney Spears: You've accomplished more than most of America has at 25. You've had and put in the way of physical harm more of your children than most 25 year-olds, and the entire world has now seen your vagina. You skank. Instead of using those huge milk bags to feed your children, you're pushing them out of your dress and getting fucked up with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan every night. So... alone you three are nothing, but together you are, in fact, the Three Skanketeers? Do you decide in advance and take turns as to who is going to beav shot the paparazzi while getting out of the car?

You might lose... I mean seriously... you might lose your kids to Kevin Federline. A court in the United States might actually find him more suitable a parent than you. Buy a car seat you bitch. If he gets the kids, it'll mean palimony (my favorite word, ever) checks to him. He'll probably roll the first check into a tube so he and his buddies can take turns snorting blow through it while a $12/hour illegal immigrant watches your kids.

And could the media limit themselves to only, say, ONE reference to "Oops I Did it Again" in their coverage of Britney Spears? If I see a story about her with the headline "She Did it Again!" or "She's Not That Innocent!" I'm really going to go out of my fucking mind.

As opposed to right now, when I'm normal.

Gotta go to work. goochout.

Judge Marilyn Milian from "The People's Court"

I love watching Court Shows. I've been watching court shows since I was in grade school with Wapner and The People's Court. People's Court paved the way for an entire genre of court-reality shows. The latest judge on People's Court is Marilyn Milian who I like but loves to make a big, big fucking deal of the fact that she's hispanic and looks for any given opportunity to speak spanish on her show. I mean, hoop earrings and salsa dancing? Living la vida stereotype. You could make a drinking game of Milian's People's Court by taking a shot every time she speaks spanish, overly anunciates a latino name, says the word "latino," etc. We get it, Milian, you're from Florida.

My favorite show on today is Judge Judy because there is nothing more comforting to me, I mean nothing more comforting than a little jewish lady eloquently telling white trash that they are, in fact, white trash.

Something that I've noticed over the years of watching many different court shows is that whenever there's a white judge, there's a black bailiff. Black judge? White bailiff. Joe Brown, Texas Justice (fucking awful), Divorce Court, People's Court, Judge Mills Lane, etc... Only Wapner and his trusty sidekick Rusty (still on Animal Planet, I think with their combined age of 312) buck this trend.

Speaking of syndicated television... According to Jim just came on. This show is classified as a sit-com but it should be labeled as science fiction because in no way on this natural Earth would a chick like Courtney Thorne-Smith (to whom I jerked off regularly when Revenge of the Nerds 3 was on cable in 1987) ever fuck (or marry) someone like Jim Belushi. Don't get me started on "King of Queens." I've had sex with hot chicks but trust me, there was alchohol involved almost every time. At the very least, alcohol.

Happy Birthday to Anna Nicole Smith and Jon Stewart.

I think I really want to see the new Rocky movie. It goes against everything I believe in, but it's starting to sound really good.

Happy Birthday Ashley.

goochout.

[re-edited 12:40pm]

Joined a new gym last night. It's going to make leaving my former gym similar to a breakup with a girl. "It's not you guys... you've been great. It's just... there's someone else. Closer, and with better amenities. I know it hurts you to think that I took our relationship on a month to month basis but that I did, in fact, sign up for a year with this new gym. You're hurt now, but you'll move on. You have plenty of other members. Don't say anything else... it'll just make this more painful... for both of us. Please... walk away... I'm tires of using ellipses..."

Bought my first Christmas tree since moving in to Wood Village three years ago. It's artificial with white lights. I thought about decorating it with empty Red Bull cans, but I'll opt for something more traditional. Like Coors Light cans.

[As I sit at my kitchen table in front of a laptop and the morning funny pages]
I've pretty much had enough of "The Family Circus." I mean, is there anything creepier about a grown man simply making up cute shit that kids say? Oh, I get it - Billy said "pasketti" instead of spaghetti. So did the second to last stripper I dated [true story... she really said it]. I guess a funnier comic would be my "Dysfunctional Family Circus" where it's just me, my alcoholic friends, some strippers, and a liquor cabinet. This comic would be a one panel like Family Circus except it'd have a hot stripper saying shit like "Daddy says that if he uses a condom, I'll still be a virgin!" and "Do you want to sell me some muskel relaxers?" You get it? She said muskel instead of muscle! Laughter abound!