I understand that weddings and engagements abound this season. Ladies: you've nagged enough that your man has given in to your demands and purchased a ring priced at two month's his salary. Congratulations girls! He's allowed to soon let you hold half of his assets hostage.
Until one of you dies, that is.
Engagement rings and particularly the "promise ring" are simply "woman, shut the fuck up" rings. The promise ring is the best. This is when a woman moans about settling down and so some genius decided to create a segue token between "everything's cool the way it is" to "Will you marry me." The promise ring simply states "I love banging you, I don't think I could immediately find something better, so here's something to tide you over for another six months." Also, a promise ring worth over two hundred dollars almost guarantees a blow job.
Being single and looking at things from the outside has really given me some perspective. I've seen people get engaged with ambiguous wedding dates set. I've watched men in terror as they're nagged at dinner in front of his friends about commitment, moving in together, and shit like that. Nothing drives a man's face further into the ass of another woman than his girlfriend of 13 months looking at real estate brochures and subscribing to "Today's Bride Magazine".
And what about children? Biological clocks and ticking time bombs sound the same to a man: ominous as hell. Sleeping in, jerking off, watching porn in semi seclusion are things we must be weaned from, not yanked away by a pregnancy test turning blue.
In conclusion: I've got to go get ready for work at a strip club. I'm going to drink, hit an after party with semi clothed chicks, and hopefully pass out into the arms of a girl whose name I couldn't care less about and who certainly isn't looking for a ring from me.
GOOCH:OUT
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