GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

In the two months since I became single, I'll admit I haven't done any real dating (unless the cover of Maxim Magazine counts). However, that hasn't stopped me from writing my own wedding vows. Take a gander at my marital prose:

Do you promise from this day forward that you'll refuse to perform oral sex?

Do you promise to accuse Gooch of looking at porn and/or cheating on you every time he checks his fucking email?

Do you promise that once you are husband and wife that you'll invite your piece-of-ass friends over and accuse Gooch of staring at them all night?

Do you promise that, as husband and wife, you'll go to private parties, get drunk and tell your friends how cheap Gooch is?

Will you begin to comment ad nauseam as to the excess in which Gooch drinks?

Do you promise to complain about the price of DSL and ask constantly why Gooch needs to maintain a server in the first place?

Will you compare Gooch's writing to columnist Dave Barry's and ask why Gooch can't be funny like Dave Barry?

You get the idea... if you set realistic goals for marriage, the two of you can spend the rest of your lives together. In sheer, fucking misery.

(Happy Valentine's Day).

Oh, and I know U2 isn't from Canada (see log from 1/29/03). I was joking. Personally, I think U2 is the greatest Icelandic pop act since Bjork.