GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

Dave Barry has a Blog page now? The Easy Mac that I was having for breakfast this morning (two packets - because I'm EXTRA EXTRA HUNGRY, as the cooking instructions suggest) nearly flew out of my mouth when I got this news. Al Gore may have invented the internet (I believe it was a science project he and his Dad built in their garage using only chicken wire, duct tape, and Cisco routers), but I INVENTED THE BLOG! Check this out from the other side of my wayback-in-1999 machine: ORIGINAL GOOCH-1.COM "BLOGS."

I invented the Blog, but I use Blogger.com because of the ability to update from anywhere with a computer. In fact, I once sent an update from my phone:

I passed the microsoft exam!

A statement that holds as much historical significance to me as Al Sharpton's "I Have a Dream" speech, Bill Clinton's "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" speech, and Miss White Trash 2001's "I love to suck cock" speech.

Dave Barry? Christ. I've read Dave Barry and I'm sure that, if I had some money, I could go to a foreign country and find out that one of their native language's most common terms actually means "ugly americans" and that the portions at the restaurants were so small that I politely asked my waiter to "super size it, please" or whatever schtick he's used for the last 30 years. It's all formula... I read somewhere that Nike sublets small Vietnamese children to Dave Barry to write his stuff these days. Not me... this crap his hand crafted, microbrewed drivel. As sure as I use the ellipses way too much, I can assure you that I'm not exploiting children like Dave Barry does. I can assure you that I've never beaten and robbed a blind woman, like Dave Barry. I've never pulled money out of a church's collection plate...

I dig the ellipses. Dave Barry had a TV show based on him, my NetWits colleague W. Bruce Cameron has a show on ABC based on his book. Where's my show? TV is full of fat guys living with hot looking chicks (Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith, Leah Remini and some other fat guy)... that was me for the last couple of years. I'm single now (merely hitting on hot looking chicks these days) and it's a sit-comlicious riot! I used dryer sheets for the first time last night. I actually read the directions (place dryer sheet on top of clothes)! I've used my oven once since I've lived on my own and I burned the living shit out of my finger. The microwave is the womb in which the lives of all my meals are incubated. I love the microwave; I stuck popsicle sticks into the door sensors and used the open-door microwave as my sole source of home heating. I've never been so warm... and tan. I had dinner with my ex-girlfriend last week and she asked me how I liked living on my own. I responded with this "You know how frustrated you get when you're trying to do something on the computer but it doesn't work right for you or you just don't know how to do it... THAT'S MY LIFE right now." I'm really eating Easy Mac for breakfast, I might have a hot dog. I might have a heart attack.

Thanks to MSL for the Dave Barry blog tip.