I'm tapping this. No, really... even I'm a step up from Chris Robinson. I don't know, maybe she has glaucoma. Fuck it. Did I mention that I'm tapping this? (Old picture, dated caption)
Hi, I'm Owen Wilson. I'm known as the "Butterscotch Stallion" because of my hair and complexion, plus I'm reputed in Hollywood as having a big dick. This public knowledge has enabled me to fuck the hell out of tons of movie stars (like Kate Hudson) and normal chicks alike; despite the fact that my nose looks like a kid's Play-Doh creation and I have a voice that melts concrete. Every movie I'm in is fucking funny and has made me a ton of money. Oh, yeah... I'm rich too.
So, I decided to try to end it this week. Cut my wrist, took some pills, called it good.
Fuck him. If Owen Wilson tries to kill himself, then I should find a way to go back in time and off myself right after high school. That was the time that my potential was greatest. At my funeral, people would comment that "he was taken from us so young... he could have been a doctor or a lawyer."
In reality and ironically, those are the two professions I've required most since I graduated high school.
Bite me, Owen Wilson. Sorry life was so fucking good for you. Try not to get a blow job in the recovery ward... wouldn't want you to slip deeper into depression.
Where's my xanax?
goochout.
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