On site coach needed. Someone willing to sleep on a couch, take on a funny nickname. Must be assertive enough to tell me not to do/eat/say stupid shit. Someone able to remind me that Subway sandwiches are sort of healthy but the Subway Feast sandwich is not. Someone that can remind me to work out more often. Applicants should be assertive enough to remind me constantly that if you think there's bullshit in a relationship or business transaction, there IS bullshit in a relationship or business transaction.
Duties also include taking messages, preparing meals, light debt collection, some clothes and personal items collection, and basic bartending skills.
Candidates should be able to quickly determine who I can, cannot, should, and should not have intercourse with. Must have a valid driver's license in order to drive me when I'm intoxicated (an increasing amount of time from this point forward).
Minorities and midgets are encouraged to apply. There is nothing I want more in life at this moment than to be driven around by a black midget telling me not to fuck someone while I'm eating a Whopper.
Benefits include: High Def television, access to enormous porn and booze collection, comfortable couch, housing, and uniform is provided. Pith hat not provided, but is required.
Cheers.
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