GOOCH: True Troutdale Conversations
[Neighbor comes over to clean my carpets]

Gooch: Hey, there's pop in the fridge. I've also got some booze to mix it with, if you want.

Neighbor: Oh... I can't do that.

Gooch: Why not?

Neighbor: I just got out of AA.

Gooch: Oh, that's cool. Do you want a beer, then?

Nice. Carpets are cleaned and my neighbor is still on the wagon, despite my efforts.

I was watching the end credits for a movie today and it dawned on me that everyone involved in the movie is given credit. The caterers, the assistants, the madams. Everyone. The film industry is the most self adoring, self congratulatory industry in the world. People make fun of them because they give themselves so many awards (Oscars, Emmys, Golden Globes, Blockbusters) for merely doing their jobs. I think it's funnier that the production company's delivery drivers get credit. Can you imagine if every industry was so interested in giving everyone involved in every detail of a job credit?

"Hey, Bill... thanks for installing my tires"

"No problem, George. By the way, the coffee in the waiting room was provided by Folgers, our fleet vehicles are all Fords, The uniform I'm wearing today was purchased from Acme Uniforms... all hemming was performed by my wife, Suzie..."

Anyways, just something that crossed my mind. Three days until April 19, my 31st birthday.

GOOCH:old

You might be the Gooch...

If you've ever ran up a $350 cell phone bill...
If your car's tags are more than three months expired...
If your last breakfast was Easy Mac macaroni and cheese...
If you receive two phone calls in the same day that the caller asks "Did I wake you..."
If both people above did indeed wake you.
If you've ever uttered the words "Wait for this Viagra to kick in..."
If you've gone to a bar for the specific purpose of getting thrown out...
If you've waited six hours for a DVD to copy rather than spend $10 for a legal copy...
If you've barbecued breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and midnight snacks consecutively...
If you've jerked off to Denise Austin or the Spanish Channel because you were too lazy to put a porn in the DVD player...
If you've said "I'm in to scrapbooking" in an effort to get a girl's phone number...
If you've watched four straight hours of Curb Your Enthusiasm...
If you've watched six straight hours of Kojak...

Do you think Charles and Camilla registered at Harrod's?

Another sex etiquette question: How long after sex is it okay to turn on the television? I've got one of those wall mount TVs with a DVD player loaded with season one of Kojak. If we're not having any discussion and/or she falls asleep, can I pull my arm from around her and fire up the CNN? Would that be considered rude?Fuck, dating's complicated.

Oh, and godforfuckingbid anyone should break away from coverage of the Prince Charles-Camilla Parker Boyle wedding. I didn't get an invitation, but I did get them a present. A bundle of paper sacks, his and her ski masks, you get the idea. How can those two fuck? I know we export wheat, Burger King, and mediocre fashions over there... how about we send over an orthodondist or two? And don't get me started on the stupid hat thing.

Happy birthday to Greg Moore. His party is tonight.

GOOCH:out

If you're having sex and your phone rings, when do you check to see who has called. During a one-night-stand I actually looked at the caller ID during coitus because I was waiting for a call. If it's someone you have true feelings for like a girlfriend, wife, or that trainer from the gym... what's the etiquette for reaching over and checking who called?

I'm barbecuing every goddamned meal I've eaten the last couple of days. Peep this monster on my patio:



I should just stay home tonight. I'll probably go out. I crave attention from random people in an effort for validation.

GOOCH:pathetic.

Mitch Hedberg: 1968-2005 One of the funniest comedians ever. A true original even if in the vein of Steven Wright's style of non-sequitur observational comedy. I'm truly bummed that he passed away. News article... click HERE

Johnnie Cochran: 1937-2005 - Not since Harriet Tubman has a person led more black people to freedom. Do you think that when Cochran get to (ahem) Heaven he'll run into Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman and have a really fucking awkward moment?

Terry Schiavo: 1963-2005 - A normal brain looks like a cauliflower, her brain looked like a cauliflower left in the sun for a week. She didn't have any idea what was going on. I'm guessing the doctors that stated that Schiavo's responses to outside stumuli were somewhat random brain synapses and not true awareness of the world around her were probably right. She had the Bushes on her side, claiming that all life is precious. Doesn't Texas and Florida have and exercise with regularity the death penalty? Didn't Jeb Bush used to brag about "Old Sparky," Florida's loveable and sometimes malfunctioning electric chair? They should have just froze Terri and postponed all of the drama to a later time. Cloned her... do something.

It's come to my attention that the greatest thing I ever wrote has become pertinent to my life again: The Breakup Column