Tonight at the Cobalt Lounge: A Jam Magazine Fundraising show!
The event's original purpose was to raise money for Jam Magazine. However, since the only future expenses for Jam are Moving Expenses, Jam is donating money to Charity.

Coincidentally, Charity is the first prostitute I ever...

Oh...charity?

I guess the money is going to people who need it and not retired prostitutes. You should still show up at the Cobalt anyway. Click HERE for the Cobalt website. Don't rely on their calendar, however, as it either hasn't been updated in six months or is only advertising shows that occur six months into the future.

I think the worst thing a writer can do in terms of relations with his or her fellow writers for a publication is write a letter to another publication giving praise for a great story idea. Click HERE to see why I'll forever have food thrown at me at Jam Magazine reunions.

I think Portland has more news helicopters per capita than any other city in the world. I used to make fun of the news choppers because there was such a race by the local affiliates to get their own helicopters first (one station here in Portland, KATU...The Power of Two on VHF channel 2 bought/leased TWO helicopters. Get it?... They're on channel 2 and they have 2 helicopters! Oh the hijinks! (one chopper crashed shortly after its acquisition).

In the first column I wrote for the PSU Vanguard, I complained that these stupid helicopters were being used for stupid reasons... LIVE coverage of a cigarette billboard. Like it's going to take off before a news van can get there. At the end of that column I was begging someone to start a high speed chase just so I could watch it on TV.

Well yesterday a high-speed LA styled chase ensued in Portland. A high speed chase led by someone with an assault rifle. A high speed chase complete with civilians trying to slow the driver down and three big-rigs forming a 'V' to ultimately stop the chase.

So where was the news choppers? I'm waiting for the news to come on and when it does, no aerial footage. Portland has (my count) like five or six television news choppers. Not one could get in the air? Portland television news is 75% self promotion, 20% rebroadcast of national news, and 5% crap.

Gooch: The Column for February 2002

(The last G:TC to be published in Jam Magazine, which is closing up shop this month)

From Gooch: The Column posted on www.goochonline.com November 26, 2001: Remember to be safe this holiday season… stay within your budget, under the legal blood alcohol limit, and the fuck off the airlines.

From CNN.com posted December 27, 2001: Officials say Richard Reid hid 10 ounces of PETN-based material, a version of the plastic explosive C4 that is very sensitive to heat and friction, in each of his shoes when he boarded Flight 63 in Paris on December 22.

If you’re literate, please read the next paragraph. If you’re illiterate, have someone read it to you: WE ARE UNDER A-FUCKING-TTACK! Jesus. I am 100% for going about our lives in a normal fashion in the wake of 9/11. I believe in going to work, going home, watching television, spending time with family, downloading porn, and going to sleep. I think that people who have gone about their lives in the usual manner are courageous themselves. But why get on a plane? For work? That’s why God created conference calling and PC Anywhere. Air travel has always been risky, but even more so now.

It’s not rocket science in figuring out that these guys know our biggest weak spot: the airline industry. Things are supposed to be getting better in terms of air travel but even the new aviation security law slated to take effect in 2002 doesn’t necessarily require that airport security prospects have a high school diploma. Rather, the law gives discretion to the Transportation Department to allow for someone with work experience to become employed as an airport security screener.
Well, fucking great. Someone who didn’t have the ambition to sit in a classroom from 8:15am to 3:15pm five days a week is now qualified to protect us from the forces of evil? I’m not getting on a plane until Chuck Norris and the entire goddamned Delta Force is checking bags.

******

Didn’t get the computer game or the Palm software, or the CD that you wanted for the holidays this year? Steal that copy of Flash 5.0 or Mariah Carey’s Glitter CD by using Morpheus, my new favorite file sharing application available from www.musiccity.com.

******

Predictions for 2002:

I predict that Oregonian columnist Jonathon Nicholas will rename his column “Uninteresting Shit About People No One Cares About”

I predict that Willamette Week will publish a special issue featuring photo ideas and CD reviews that they ripped off from other magazines/websites.

I predict that the Mercury will rip-off Willamette Week’s idea to publish the above special issue.

And without naming names or raising accusations, please take the Pepsi challenge with the next two passages:

Excerpt from Gooch: The Column published in August 2001:
The stories on “Behind the Music” tend to be formulaic at times. Typically a nobody band gets a break, becomes famous, one of the members overdoses/crashes a car/gets arrested/all of the above, the band produces a #1 ballad/hits the mainstream, breaks up at the peak of their stardom, reunites ten years later, and is currently working on a project that you will likely never hear about again.

Excerpt from The Oregonian published Saturday, January 5, 2002:
[Regarding VH1’s Behind the Music]Each episode follows a distinct narrative arc: Young dreamers form band; band struggles’ band succeeds; sex/drugs/alcohol-fueled dissipation ensues; failure and/or breakup results; wake-up call occurs; bad habits are cast aside; band re-forms/revives/cuts new album/returns to charts.

I still think the most interesting and informative section of the Oregonian is the Fry’s Electronics advertising insert.

******

And now that I’ve severed all ties between myself and any publication in Portland that might pay me to write, it’s time for the Jam good-bye.

I’ve gained a lot from my time at Jam Magazine. Like fifty-fucking pounds. Also, I’ve made a lot of great friends in the local writing and music industry. I’ve gone from being oblivious to the music scene in general, to actually participating in it through publicity work or even appearing on stage operating lights for a band.

I do hope that another local music ‘zine emerges. There’s a lot of great CDs and band stories in the local scene that are so painfully ignored by the mainstream press.

I’m kind of like herpes when it comes to the local music scene. Actually, herpes is like herpes when it comes to the local music scene. However in a figurative sense, I’ll likely always be in the background and I’ll pop up when you least expect it. I wouldn’t be here without Jam Magazine and I want to thank everyone at Jam for the great experience.

Later.

Gooch.

I'm back. Bigger and blacker.


Let's see. In the last few weeks absolutely nothing good has happened. Sure, my arch rival: local radio personality "Scoot" lost his radio show, but Portland's entire KBBZ radio station switched formats after what I think was less than a year, also getting rid of the Phil Hendrie Show: The greatest radio personality and show ever aired.

I was eating a Wendy's hamburger when I read that Dave Thomas (Wendy's founder) died from liver cancer. I speak for fat kids everywhere when I say that We'll miss you, Dave.

JAM MAGAZINE: LAST ISSUE IS NEXT MONTH Fuck. Like I'm going to find another publication to give me a page to myself. To those that don't know, Jam is the magazine that publishes/d Gooch: The Column every month. Maybe the high school paper from which the column originated will take freelance submissions. The last column (for Jam) is almost done and you'll see it here first. Lucky you.

Stuart Wylen Trio CD Release Weekend this weekend in Portland, OR. Click HERE for more information.

Also, switching DSL carriers is a lot of fun... mandatory service outage while your former and new provider make the switch. Great system, Qwest. If I'm slow with the emails, that's why. Dial-up sucks.

ON VACATION!

Be back in the office on January 10, 2002.

Read the Christmas column in the 'Columns' section of the site, if you haven't already.

You still have time to get the "Gooch Extra" ornaments from the merchandise site. I bought six of these myself and they really look great. Buy one and hang it on your Christmas tree. Hell... hang one on your Menorah. Like I give a shit. Just buy it.

Have a happy holiday.

goddamn.

I'll wrote more later this morning, but I wanted to say hi to the new visitors to the site.

Hi.

Picked up a new wireless phone ("cellular" isn't cool to say anymore). I will talk about that.

I'm doing lights again for Perfect in Plastic at the Ohm this Saturday. Don't miss it.

To my friends that I haven't emailed lately, I've been busy not Christmas shopping, not working out, and mostly taking apart my computer system and building it back up like Richard Dreyfuss did with his in-house dirt mound in Close Encounters.

Reason #3874 why you can't get me on a fucking plane: Click HERE

Check out the MERCHANDISE page. New Genie hooded sweatshirts and Corona-logo-ripoff ornaments. No gift says 'I love you' like an altered picture of me on a sweatshirt.

'tis the season to try to sell shit... fa la la la la la la la la