GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

I think MTV and VH1's appeal to viewers is that if you don't like the commercial that you're watching, you know a different one will show in another five minutes.

Open letter to Brandon the dog:

Hello, Brandon. You may remember me, I was the fat guy running on the Wood Village "exercise track" that you attacked. The name Brandon suggests that you're a male dog but trust me:

You're my bitch.

I knew there was trouble brewing when you and your owner walked past the "All dogs must be leashed" sign at the park and she unleashed you anyway. Born free you were. Running in the field, jumping through the grass. Was it my heavy breathing or the near explosion of my seldom-exercised heart that caused you to leave your serene environment and start barking at and chasing me? Did I look like that easy of a target?

You little fucker.

I watched Scarface three times last week, the Godfather over the weekend, and Casino last night. The next time I go running, I'm going to have an aluminum baseball bat in one hand, a chainsaw in the other, and a ball-peen hammer in my back pocket.

Say hello to my little friend, motherfucker.

I'm going to distract that fat bitch owner of yours with a cheesburger and lure you in with a steak. I'll tie you up and let my neighbor's gay dog sodomize you. I've even got a dog sized ball gag so it'll look like that scene in Pulp Fiction. Wanna go for a walk?

Condo Update:When I'm not ridding the world of its technical difficulties, I've been working on the condo. I'm running a cable from the office to the bedroom where I've installed a 20" DVD/VCR/TV combo. I hate attics, and I hate crawl spaces, so this cable running project should be fun.

I swear to God: Last night I had a dream that I was drinking a bunch of beer in my kitchen, went to bed, and woke up with a hangover. When I woke up for real, I was fine. I called my shrink to ask him what he thinks the dream might mean... if he could analyze it. He said: "Any dream involving a series of events that take place in one setting, such as your condo, suggests that you feel confined, or trapped in some way. It could also mean that your a fat fucking alcoholic that should look for a fucking job and quit calling me."

Gotta go, happy hour starts in a few hours.