Douchebag Theater

A stripper offered to give me a blow job for $100. I told her that I wouldn't take less than $125. She then informed me that I would, in fact, be paying her. I declined. She dropped her price to $50. I still declined, but decided that I'm the best blow job negotiator... ever. I got her to drop her price by half without having to really try.

When a guy goes on a date, he should hire me to show up at the end of the evening to negotiate the post-date fellatio.

Bill: Well I had a really great time tonight. I hope you liked the premium steak dinner and twelve dollar drinks you consumed at a steady pace this evening.

Susan: I certainly did. What a wonderful first date this was. [gives a kiss on the cheek and begins to open the door to her apartment.]

Bill: [eyes get wide at the thought of a fruitless evening, motions to Gooch, who is urinating in some bushes out of sight, a mere 12 feet away] Susan, I'd like you to meet The Gooch.

Susan: Who?

Gooch: [shakes susan's hand and shares a smirk with Bill as they both know that Gooch just took a piss and did not wash his hands] I understand you're planning on just calling it a night?

Susan: Well, yeah...

Gooch: Didn't you enjoy your steak dinner? Didn't you enjoy those top shelf mojitos? How about the twenty dollar order of calamari appetizer that you had to have yet only took two bites?

Susan: Umm... who are you again?

Gooch: Let's face it: Bill put out for a pretty good evening. You should think about putting out yourself, if you know what I'm saying.

Susan: My gosh, you're so subtle and indirect that I almost didn't catch the meaning of what you were actually saying.

Gooch: I think you should invite Bill inside and blow him. He cares about you so much that he was willing to spend his entire Tuesday evening with you. Bought you dinner... drinks...

Susan: I'm not blowing anyone.

Gooch: ...appetizers, valet parking...

Bill: [mumbling] extra side of shrimp

Gooch: You got the seafood up sell? Susan? Come the fuck on...

Susan: It's a first date - I barely know him!

Gooch: [points to Bill] What's it going to take to put that dick [points to Susan] in that mouth?

Susan: What? Are you selling a fucking car?

Gooch: [crosses arms and closes eyes in a juvenile fashion] dick. mouth.

Susan: Will you go away if I promise to fellate Bill?

Gooch: hand on the head?

Susan: All I'm promising is no teeth.

Gooch: I guess, in the end, that's all anyone can really ask for. Swallow?

Susan: Fucking leave. Now. [pulls mace canister out of purse, moves plunger to 'unlock' position]

Bill: [slips $100 to Gooch, whispers 'thanks']

Gooch: Gooch Out! [Puts cape around his neck and runs down the street with his arms extended, making 'whooshing' sound with his mouth].

******

I heard this haiku during an interview of Dave Stewart (Eurythmics):

To express one's self
In seventeen syllables
Is very diffic

******

[Twelve minutes have passed]

Susan: [hands over her face] not in the eyes!

******

Bumper Sticker of the Week:

I Found Jesus
He was in the trunk of my car
when I got back from Tijuana

******

Gooch:Out