I'm sitting at home, it's still light out, and I want it to be 9pm so I can drink my one (cut back from 3) glasses of wine, take my Tylenol PM, and go to bed. I've got shit on my mind, so I think I'll write:
I have several hot platonic female friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. The original idea, was that these hot platonic female friends had other friends that ultimately would get drunk and have sex with me. That's the plan. It was fucking foolproof, except it wasn't really fucking foolproof. Fast forward, and I'm just a dude that looks like he's somehow dating hot chicks.
But I'm not. What does this mean? It means that I'm perpetually cockblocking myself by surrounding myself with these broads. It's like being a straight priest or a sober NASCAR fan... it doesn't make fucking sense.
But why? Why have I let myself enter the friend zone with so many girls? What is it about my psyche that makes it okay to just "be friends" with a girl? Why am I able to maintain close friendships with girls that I used to be in a relationship with? One reason:
I'm gay.
I've known it since I was 12 years-old. I didn't want to come out of the closet so publicly, but this is so liberating and Fuck you. Fuck you for believing that shit for a fucking second. How dare you?
I'm all man. Enough said.
However, I believe that I'm horrified by relationships, or more so rejection. Any girl that's nice, doesn't earn her living in tips, attractive, and independent scares the shit out of me. I feel inferior. These same chicks date and ultimately support unemployed douchebags and I'm intimidated? It's somewhat stupid, but we'll except it for now and move on. It's my own fault. I clearly can't handle a normal girl being attracted to me and even if they give me all of the signs that they're interested, I'll recede back into self loathing and convince myself that they couldn't possibly be interested in me. Give me a girl with issues and I'll be just fine...
...Unless, I'm drunk. I can meet and charm the hottest most normal chicks when I'm wasted. Unfortunately, I don't want to do that anymore. Result: Not really a date for the last few months. No biggie, I've saved money, gone to the gym more, and got to hang out with my friends. Even, yes, my platonic female friends.
I mean, I guess I used to think "platonic" was Greek for "hand job giving." Wow, was I wrong (in most cases, heh.). It's not a bad deal. Nowadays I'm relying on their friends' friends to hook me up. It's a work in progress, but we'll see. I dig being single. It's the only time you can truly masturbate whenever you want (married guys know what I'm walking about). I can burn a porn DVD, label it "PORN" in bright colored letters and leave it on the coffee table for easy access. I wake up when I want, go to sleep when I want. Do you know how awesome this is? I have the mentality/maturity of a 15 year old, and I have no adult supervision. I'm like Children of the Corn with a cat, some cash, and HDTV.
I've got some figuring out to do. Maybe I'll see a shrink. Maybe I'll grow a moustache - everyone in the history of television with a moustache seemed to have all of the answers. Maybe I'll wash those Tylenol PM down with a glass of wine earlier than planned. Maybe two glasses. After all, who's going to stop me?
Peace.
goochout
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