I'm on a bus.

Sometimes I ride mass transit. Not a lot of people know this, but in the course of my goings on as a non drinking, book reading, celibate, rose smelling, midlife crises having mothereffer, I sometimes enjoy sitting on the bus for a relaxing hour or so commute to an office or jobsite in the morning.

Normally, these trips are in fact relaxing and uneventful, you know, like mass transit should be. Today, however, was a clusterfuck of epic proportions. Maybe not "epic," but certainly noteworthy.



My delay/shitty start to the day was tempered by the fact that it wouldn't be as bad as this ladies' day.



100 blocks after the crash: Man who wouldn't shut his mouth, off the bus and talking to the cops. He was already late to meet with his parole officer (he'd mentioned that during his rants agains the woman). Asshole.

On the ride into town, our bus stopped. Suddenly, a slam against the back of the bus lurched us forward. We'd been rear ended. After the bus driver completed routine post-accident measures, I walked outside and checked it out. Some lady crashed her van into the bus. How the hell do you hit a parked bus? Fire engines, ambulances, cops, and significant delay were soon to follow. The next bus, packed with its usual riders and delayed by the traffic jam from our bus' incident, arrived. We were seated and made it about 100 blocks before an argument broke out.

It was two unstoppable forces: A black 20-year-old woman and a gay black man. Call me racist, sexist, whatever you want. You know I'm right. It was an unstoppable bitch meets an inanimate shithead (the names could be applied to either of the participants). She yelled at him for sitting too close, he yelled at her for insulting him. Neither one would move or shut the fuck up (despite other riders' repeated requests) until the cops showed up. Most of us on the bus were already 30 minutes delayed already. My fellow riders started yelling at the two that were already yelling. Lots of yelling. Bus stopped, cops arrived. Ultimately, I arrived at my destination an hour late.  

On the way home, on the MAX, a rider boarded. He commenced with a giggling fit that lasted the entire 30 minutes he rode the train. I feel bad posting this because he probably had tourettes. Or some shit. However, I'll pretend that he was drug addicted or something. There, I feel better.



On a side note, if I ever did stand up I'd give this guy free passes for life. I mean, he's a comedian's wet dream. Again, it's not nice to make fun of someone's affliction. It's okay to make fun of someone's addiction.

This is the word the Gooch.

Thanks be to Gallucci.*

Tri Met: See Where it Takes You... indeed.
goochout


*I'm going to hell.