I've gotten a lot of hits from people in the military and the Secret Service. I just wanted to say thanks for the work you're doing. I always feel that your work is underappreciated and I humbly salute you.

However, in the unlikely event that the military and the Secret Service is jointly planning my assassination, stay the fuck away. Kennedy was a much better score than I will ever be. I've seen enough of your ".mil" and "usss.gov" domain names in my web-tracker that I haven't gone near a grassy knoll in a month. I'm not even sure what a grassy knoll is... but I'm staying the hell away.

< America: Land of the Free; Home of the Paranoid

Thank you Jerry. Not Jerry Garcia, digitally impaired front man for the Grateful Dead, but the guy who bought some Gooch merchandise. Let me know how you like it.

It's possible that I'm the one that hit 9000 on my site. I've recorded an audio log on GoochRadio.

I'm pathetic enough to stay up long enough to watch "The Job" on TV. Great show. "Meet the Osbournes?" Never before has a show needed subtitles like this show, which features the real life happenings at the Ozzy Osbourne household. "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" was easier to fuckin' understand.

I'm probably going to see E.T. this week, but the experience leaves a bitter taste in my mouth as the lovable alien indirectly took part in what would be known as the video game crash of 1984 Here's a brief rundown:

In 1981 Atari scored the license from Namco to port versions of Pac Man for their game systems. Estimated sales of Atari's version of the arcade mega hit was 20 million copies. Unfortunately, Atari Pac Man, a slow, mediocre, rushed adaptation of the original only sold seven million copies - a drop in the bucket compared to Atari's initial expectations.

In an effort to recover from the losses as a result of lackluster Pac Man sales Atari got the rights to create a game based on the movie E.T. Atari took a huge gamble on this cartridge as it needed to sell 25 million copies to make up for the cost of buying the rights to the license. E.T. sucked. It sucked ass. Development of the game was rushed in an effort to make the Christmas season of 1982. The result was poor graphics, clumsy/ confusing game play, and glitches. E.T. sold a mere one-million copies and as a result, Atari had tons of unsold games on store shelfs. Atari is rumored to have buried 5 million copies somewhere in California.

These two disappointing games hurt retailers enough that most outlets discontinued all video games sales (including those of other manufacturers such as Mattell (Intellivision) and Coleco (ColecoVision) and discounted remaining inventory. Games that sold for $30 a piece months earlier were being picked up for $1 a piece. By 1984 the whole video game market crashed. Not until the Nintendo Entertainment System debuted in 1986 would video games begin to creep into the marketplace again.

I'm sort of a classic gamer, with an Atari 2600 hooked up to my office television and boxes of Ataris, Commodore 64s, Vic 20s, and various Pong consoles in my closet.

01/16/02 - GOOCH FAN SUSPENDED - Ashley of Temecula, CA was suspended for four
days from Temecula Valley High School, "since I love GOOCH so much I brought a boom
box to lunch and played it so loud that the principle caught me and suspended me for 4
days. But even though I did get suspened it was well worth it! GOOCH KICKS ASS!!!"

Of course, this isn't about me. It's about GOOCH, the band. Check out their site: www.goochband.com

Good Effort on the hits. I'm sitting here, listening to the Phil Hendrie Show. Check out his site. Funny stuff.

Website Marketing tip (when you're absolutely desperate for hits) #349:

Don't be the only ass on your site.

My birthday is 17 days away. My birthday wish? To have my counter hit 10,000 by April 19. Impossible? Likely. However, tell your friends about this site. Tell them you love it. Tell them I write some pretty dumb jokes. I can't possibly give a shit what you tell them. Tell them to hit this site every goddamned day. The updates will suck this week because I'm in classes until late every night, but next week should be nonstop hilarity as I'm starting a workout regimen with a personal trainer. I'm thinking about getting an impersonal trainer because it's cheaper:

"Hey, fat kid, what's your name again? Do 30 minutes on the treadmill."

You see, he didn't remember my name because he's an impersonal trainer.

As a visitor to this site, you can get that kind of comedy almost every day! Your friends will love it.

If someone does want to buy me something for my birthday, I'd like a Xanaxlover.com hat. I don't get a price break, and neither will you. Check out the Merchandise page.