ESPN: INGLEWOOD, Calif. - Verne Winchell, founder of the Winchell's nationwide doughnut chain, died on Tuesday at his home in Las Vegas.
Click HERE for the story.

Oh, and by the way... Adam Sandler isn't funny anymore. What a jackass he's become. This "8 Crazy Nights" cartoon looks like the shit that so much of the humor is based on. What I mean is that it's a bunch of shit jokes and it's a shitty movie. I mean that the jokes are about shit, but they're shitty jokes as well. I can't make it through the trailers/commercials and those are supposed to be the funny parts. And how many times is Sandler going to recycle his "Hannukah Song?" I might as well reprint my "Graduation Speech" once a month and just change some of the words.

And don't get me started on how bad the new Rob Schneider movie looks...

I swear to God... Animal House and Blues Brothers are huge hits for Saturday Night Live cast members and 20 years later every asshole that meets Lorne Michaels gets his own movie? Just as long as that no talent hack Tracey Morgan doesn't get his own stupid movie, I'll be okay.

Christ... I need a shot.

It's really a time for thanks, isn't it? With the holidays quickly approaching I feel as though I should share with you, the reader/homeless guy in a library/bored secretary/stay at home mom/unemployed guy, with what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful that Starbucks put up Christmas decorations as early as October. You can see the dismay on the baristas' faces when they hear the Muzak version of Jingle Bells for the 18th time that day.

I'm thankful for the lesbian lady that lives on-site at the storage units where my prized possessions are kept.

I'm thankful for my ex-girlfriend who's letting me stay at her place while I find one of my own.

I'm thankful that while there are homeless people on the street, I'm turning down apartments that don't have DSL service available.

I'm thankful for my bizarre blood sugar levels which have lately made it very easy to fall asleep (or pass out) after lunch every day.

I'm thankful for the Phil Hendrie Show, which is more entertaining than most television.

I'm thankful for odiferous felt-tipped pens, and for Super Glue.

I'm thankful for the movie Jackass, which has helped to break the monthly record for the most hits on this website.

I'm thankful to AT&T Wireless Services for reversing the $126.25 they tried to overcharge me this month.

And now it's time for...

BULLSHIT... or NOT?

The former home of rapper Eminem is on track to fetch more than $11 million on eBay.

In Charlottesville, VA, 48 students were expelled from the University of Virginia for plagiarism after a physics professor created a computer program to catch cheaters.

The Experience Music Project (EMP) In Seattle, WA, has acquired an open sack of tongue suppressors (popsicle sticks) from the family of Karen Carpenter and a 24k gold bedside pump used for water-based lubricant from the estate of Liberace.

Officials at the U.S. Naval Academy have seized the computers of nearly 100 students in a search for bootlegged music and movies. Cadets could face court martial or expulsion if investigators find digital songs or other copyrighted material on their hard drives.

Three Portland (OR) Trailblazers are facing charges next month on charges ranging from marijuana possession to felonious spousal abuse. The Oregonian newspaper is planning on moving its Crime Blotter from the Metro section to the Sports section of the daily publication.

JENNA JAMESON WITH GOOCH

Wait a minute... Jenna Jameson used the same signature as Ashlyn Gere. "All my sex?" This is an outrage. No honor among porn stars, I guess. So, this is it. The finale of a week long foray into my life in the mid nineties. Livin' every day like it's a bachelor party. Of course, now, I'm single. Pathetic... and single. Someone said to me last night "hey, it least it'll give you some good material to write about." I guess that really puts it into perspective. What's really important is you, the reader, and this website. ALSO: It's come to my attention that people are seeing and listening to items on this website and thinking that they may have heard/read it somewhere before. If you see/hear/read anything on this website that you think you've seen somewhere else IT ORIGINATED HERE (unless otherwise noted). Normal programming will once again resume.

Gooch

With the Holidays approaching, people have begun exchanging recipes in anticipation of the upcoming feasts to be had through the end of the year. I tried out a recipe last night that I'd like to share with you. It's a recipe passed down through my family for weeks, so grap a pen and paper and jot this down.

.5 MGs Xanax (anti anxiety)
750MG Methocarbamol (muscle relaxer)
500MG Vicodin (pain killer)

After a full anxiety ridden week, this is what it took to finally give me some uninterrupted sleep. I laid down at 7:00pm on my ex-girlfriend's couch in my ex-girlfriend's darkened living room and turned the Phil Hendrie Show on my ex-girlfriend's stereo. At 7:05, I started feeling tingly. At 7:06. I was conscious and aware of where I was, so when this overwhelming tingle started coming over me I really thought I fucked myself up. The next thing I remember is seeing a bright, hazy light... confirming that I overdosed through some deadly mixture of prescription pills. I'm not nearly the pill popper that my "xanaxlover" moniker would suggest. However, that doesn't change the fact that I really, for a second thought I was dead. With all of the shit going on with me (shit I won't go into because even I'm sick of hearing about it) I had visions (not of my life flashing before my eyes that in the movies) of tomorrow's Metro section in the Oregonian listing me as some guy on the brink of suicide for weeks who ultimately killed myself with the pills I so often wrote about.

I saw the light, however, and instead of tallying my accomplishments, I mentally wrote a press release. The light was glowing, calling me towards it. It then gave up trying to wake me and proceeded to cover me with another blanket so I wouldn't get cold in the middle of the night.

The "light" was the 60 watter I installed in my hallway and the "voice" was my ex-girlfriend (who's graciously let me stay for a while until I find a place of my own) who'd just come home.

I slept for a much deserved ten hours, woke up, then fell asleep again.

My boss at my place of employment uses the word "transition" for a lot of different things. If someone gets promoted, it's talked about as their "transition." If someone changes jobs, it's talked about as their "transition." If someone gets laid off... you get the idea.

So to fill you in on my life (close the window if you absolutely cannot give a shit):

My girlfriend transitioned me from the position of boyfriend to (what I hope to) best friend.

Consequently, I need to transition myself and belongings out of the apartment in which I've lived for two years.

The breakup has transitioned my years-old porn star celebrity pictures from a locked drawer to my website in an effort to put interest in a site where I temporarily can't focus my writing attention.

Someone transitioned my stored valuables out of my parents' house.

I'm going to transition myself to a bar tonight and transition some beer down my throat. The Tonic Lounge on NE Sandy in Portland is where I'll be.

ASHLYN GERE WITH GOOCH

Ashlyn Gere. Legendary porn star who actually made an appearance as a "legitimate" actress in an episode of the X-Files.