In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king.

- Unknown philosopher

In a 3-D movie, the man with one eye is fucked.

- John "Gooch" Gallucci
Baghdad liberated? I hope to God that 7-11 Convenience Stores put in a bunch of franchises and staff them with white people who don't speak a lick of Arab. Can you imagine a bunch of Arab guys sucking on slurpees bitching about how all "these foreigners come to our country and don't bother to learn the language?" Good times.

This blog is brought to you by Ephedrine. Ephedrine - When you're too broke to buy cocaine.

IF YOU CAN READ THIS THEN THE LIGHTNING STORM DIDN'T FUCK ME LAST NIGHT. There's nothing more frightning than looking at lightning outside and consumer level APC uninterruptible power supplies inside. There's even word of a tornado in Portland's West Hills. You know in Everclear's song I Will Buy You a New Life when he sings "I will buy you a big house/way up in the West Hills?" That's where he's talking about: the rich side of town in Portland. The West Hills of Portland and Troutdale (where I live) are the two most exclusive places in Multnomah County to live. A lot of people don't know that.

Coming soon... Gooch photo flashbacks!

ANNA NICOLE SMITH, CIRCA 1994. I OWNED THE ANNA NICOLE SMITH CALENDAR FOR THAT YEAR. IT WAS ONLY A 12-MONTH CALENDAR, BUT I USED IT FOR AT LEAST 36-38 MONTHS. I THINK THAT THE ANNA NICOLE SMITH SHOW DEBUTED ABOUT 10-YEARS TOO LATE. WHO WOULDN'T HAVE WATCHED IT, THEN? TEN YEARS AGO, THE "GEEZER TEASER" WAS THE ANTI SUPERMODEL, AND I BOUGHT INTO IT, BABY. GET ME THE NUMBER FOR TIFFANI AMBER THEISSEN.

I managed to catch the Hitchcockian Phone Booth on Sunday. In a nutshell: Colin Farrell plays a shady publicist who lies to everyone including his friends, cheats on his wife, and not nice to people in general. He's not a murderer or anything, just an immoral, unethical creep. Because of this, a sniper stalks Stu Shepard (Farrell) long enough to know exactly when he goes into a phone booth every day to call his girlfriend. Trapped in a phone booth and communicating with his "captor," a sniper in one of countless windows overhead, Stu Shepard is forced to admit all of his "sins" to his wife, girlfriend, and the public who have all gathered to watch the police spectacle.

So leading an immoral and unethical life is grounds to have a stalker hold you captive in a phone booth? Twelve hours prior to watching the film, I was in a private room trying to stick my tongue up some stripper's ass. While watching the movie I was sitting next to my ex-girlfriend with whom I tried to cheat on a prior ex-girlfriend. I stole cable, and I haven't bought a piece of software or a CD in three years. After watching Phone Booth, there's no fucking way I'm going to go into a phone booth ever again.

Bumper Sticker of the Week: I'm hung as Einstein and smart like a horse.

Swatch Update: As you've heard me bitch lately, my Swatch with a new battery hasn't been keeping the best of time. Turns out that the Swatch Store got a bad batch of batteries and my new one was indeed DOA. Got a new battery and it's been accurate for the last hour-and-a-half.

Beeatches:

So, I'm outside vacuuming out the Goochmobile when a man with an orange utility vest started lurking around the Gooch Compound. I thought nothing of it, dismissing him as a meter reader or a serial murderer.

He was neither. He was worse.

After vacuuming out my SUV, I walked back into the crib to watch some of my illegally obtained expanded cable.

It was gone. All that was left was the channels I was actually paying for.

Son of a bitch. I'll I've got now is channels 2 through 33 and the E! channel. I've got the spanish channel, but no Comedy Central. I've got the local news, but no CNN. Maybe that cable guy could have done something less insidious like, I don't know... RUN AN ICEPICK THROUGH MY FUCKING HEART? Stealing cable television is comparable to raping a priest. You're just returning the favor. Cable? a ripoff since day one (or uno on Univision). $40/month and still no Sopranos? How about I put two chairs about two feet apart, stand on the chairs with one foot on each of them, and pull down my pants so that Comcast can lick my balls? I think it's a great idea.

I'm off to a cabin tonight for the beginning of an all day bachelor party tomorrow beginning with a fishing trip and ending with a dinner/stripper fest that evening. I put together the evening portion, and I'm hoping that the wedding rings dissolve off of the fingers of my sucker cohorts once the strippers enter the fray.

Gooch: Angry at marriage since 1994.

Happy Birthday, Wes Stocker.

Birthday drinks Saturday (last) night:

Five Irish Car Bombs (drop a shot of Bailey's into half a glass of guiness and guzzle)
Two Frangelicos on ice
One shot of Jack Daniels
One Coors Light
Three Black Butte Porters
One Dead Nazi

And then things started getting fuzzy. I went to my Mom's house for Easter around 10 this morning and she asked "how are you feeling."

"Still drunk," I replied.

Just what a Mother wants to hear, I'm sure.

Quotable Quotes...

Happy birthday... we noticed you didn't call last week. -Manager of the local Domino's Pizza, calling me to wish me a happy birthday.

I think a lot of girls' eyes are bigger than their vagina when they shop for those things. -Female friend, discussing women who buy really large sex toys

No one in your group is in law enforcement, are they?
-Restauranteur hosting a bachelor party for next weekend that I helped coordinate

Hey... who's at the door?
Scott Peterson, arrested yesterday and booked on two counts of murder after the bodies of his wife and son were found.

Yeah... we're going to need you to squeeze this rubber ball so that we can find a vein.
-The guy who (hopefully soon) gets to execute Christian Longo by lethal injection for the murder of his wife and three children.

I am trouble. You could be in trouble if you want.
-Clever line written in my guestbook by a girl.

You're probably passed out on someone's floor...
-Ex girlfriend while wishing me a happy birthday on my voice mail this morning.

8:15
-The time indicated on my Swatch, despite the fact that it's 2:00 and I just had the battery replaced.