What the fuck am I drinking? I ordered a tall-sugar-free-vanilla-latte and the flavoring they actually squirted into my beverage tastes like a delicate blend of oranges, chemicals, and ass.

That's it... ass.

I was going to write something meaningful; a poem, a song perhaps... my recently discovered cure for cancer (I think it even works on AIDS, too). Fuck it. Starbucks screwed it up for everybody.

I had sushi today and stuck to my five plate limit. I haven't gained weight but I need to lose some more because the girl I'm dating doesn't dig on fat guys too much. I only know this because she told me this the first day I met her and...

Orange. They started squirting orange into it, realized their mistake, then pumped my standard and oft requested sugar free vanilla flavoring into it. Those degenerate hippie baristas think I won't notice that my latte tastes like DayQuil?

I've been pretty bummed out lately. I seem to go through these peaks and valleys of elation and sadness, which is indicative of bipolar disorder, for which I've been diagnosed. Mental illness is gay. I would rather admit to childhood bedwetting than bipolar. I don't believe people should discuss it openly. If you're bipolar, you should stay away from people when you're bummed out and party during the manic episodes. It's the way of our people and...

How much would it have cost Starbucks to simply pour out my latte and filter some more water through some more dirt in an effort to give me a $4 beverage that doesn't taste like cough syrup? Those mother fuckers.

I've gotta get back to work.

gooch:out

A message from my friend Robin regarding a 15 year reunion for Franklin High School (Portland, OR) class of 1992:

I have been approached by several people in the last
few weeks about a 15 year reunion. Well...it is up to
you! Please let me know asap if you are interested in
attending if something is set up. I am looking at
reserving a picnic area for alumni & their families as
well as maybe having a Friday night alumni only social
at a local bar.

I am asking for your help. I only have about 20
active email addresses of 1992 graduates. Please
forward this to anyone you know from our class and ask
them to get back to me so that I can get a
semi-accurate head count.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to seeing you
soon!
~Robin Bruck-Simmons

Only 20 email addresses? That's because only about 20 graduates from Franklin '92 have computers. Jesus... I don't remember seeing a computer inside the school. Of course, computers weren't my main concern then... feeding myself Coors Lights and getting Zimas and feeding them to girls and somehow never getting laid was. Oh yeah, and trying to write funny shit in the high school paper.

Robin's email address: rbruck_birdie@yahoo.com

gooch:1992

Jesus. It's been almost a week since I've updated this site.

I watched "Blades of Glory" with my Mom for Mother's day. It was pretty much a bunch of jokes borrowed from a bunch of other movies with Jon Heder and Will Ferrell playing, well, themselves. Also starring Jenna Fischer playing Pam Beesly playing Katie Van Waldenberg.

Also in the movie was Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live. I spent a better part of the movie trying to determine with whom I'd rather have sex: Jenna Fischer or Amy Poehler. I'm intrigued by them because I don't think they're chicks that a lot of guys jerk off to. I mean, there's probably not a lot of teens with an Amy or Jenna poster on their ceilings. I feel a lot more intimate rubbing one out to a girl that not a lot of other guys are slapping it to.

Of course, I'm having this internal dialogue in my head while watching the movie and sitting immediately next to my Mother, which was odd. I ultimately determined that between battle for brain time during my next ham slapping session would be won by both girls because I'm sure my twisted brain could work up an imaginary menage-a-trois while I beat the bishop.

Don't feel like jay-ohing to a 10? Try two-fives.

I have an actual girlfriend now. This is the first girlfriend I've had in a year and the first non-stripper girlfriend I've had in a couple years. I'm doing all of the things that I make fun of guys in relationships for. Cooking dinner, shopping for purses, staying sober,. Sometimes being straight is gayer than being gay.

gooch

Mad props to Britta for playing the entire duration of our indoor soccer game last night. We only had two girls show up and there has to be at least two girls on the field at all times during the game. We lost with dignity last night.

Mad apologies to Gregster for missing out on Sushi today. If he forgives me, it will be sooner than I forgive myself.

Mad About You was a bubblegum pop song by Belinda Carlisle in the 80s.

Mad that I haven't DJed a strip club in a while? Montego's this Saturday at 8pm - 2am. Or until I pass out.

Sweet.

goochout.

Could very well be the funniest shit I've seen in a while.

gooch:aceofspades

Shit... skipping the workout today. Slept well last night, but I'm still a little out of it. I think my blood sugar is fucked up or something. My work schedule doesn't include daily sushi binges, burrito stand raids, or taking on an Alessandro's veal entree. Without my 11:30am regularly scheduled lunch I'm forgetting to eat. Yesterday, I had two Atkins bars then I went on a date where we had sushi.

It was one of those sushi-go-round places where to take multiple plates with small portions of sushi. This lends variety to the eating experience. When Gregster and I go out for sushi, we run up about a $35 lunch tab. Last night, on my date, she was full after a collective $13 of sushi was consumed between the two of us. I refuse to eat after my dates do because I'm so paranoid of being perceived as a fat bastard. So, after a movie, the date ended a bit early as myself and the 900 calories I consumed for the day retreated to bed for a seven hour slumber.

Can you imagine someone my size eating three of those little plates of sushi and exclaiming "oh yeah, I'm full, too?"

Montego's 05.12.07

goochout

Entourage is actually a terrible show. I love it the way that I loved 90210; just don't think too much about it. Now that Vince fucked the manager, can he get back to Ari? Vince is kind of a pussy pain in the ass and seeing Ari cry over a picture of the two of them almost made me deep throat my .38 revolver.

I've got a red wine hangover, I'm watching Sopranos on On Demand, and drinking a bottle of Pelligrino water. In bed. Is that Italian or what?

I'm returning to Montego's for an evening of DJing and fun. I'll try to keep the alcohol out of my mouth and my penis in my pants. A recipe for success if I've ever heard one. May 12, 2007.

A hangover workout? It's coming up. Awesome! Maybe I'll start with a heavy set of tanning bed. Where's my bottle of Redline?

Have we really dragged Carmella's "spec house" storyline this fucking far? I could make a drinking game of doing a shot every time she says "spec" or "spec house." Does anyone else think that her voice is identical to Lois' in Family Guy?