Tuesday's with Whorrie.

Clowns.

Drank too much beer last night. I switched to suds because I was getting SO fucked up on the (presumably healthier) vodka-sodas. Beer makes me feel full and I can't get so drunk so fast. It's like a speed governor on my liver. I think I'm turning into a beeraholic though.

My Palm Pre. I love it. However, the "Pre" should stand for "PREmature battery failure." It lasts almost a work day before it craps out to the point that I don't answer the phone for fear that it'll shut down entirely.

I went to Wal-Mart this morning. Being in a Wal-Mart is like being in an Oregon prison: You don't make eye contact with anyone, it's full of white people, and most everyone inside is costing taxpayers something.

While at Wal-Mart, I bought cat litter, flower food, and veggie sausages. I'm sure any other person with a similar shopping list sucked a cock either immediately before or after completing her (or his) shopping duties.

I'm so fucking sick of people with absolutely no fulfillment in their lives... no purposes on this green fucking earth whatsoever... who artificially inflate a cause to give themselves an artificial purpose in life. I'm talking about the David Letterman/Sarah Palin rift. First: he didn't write the joke, he just told it. Second: He apologized sincerely on his show which should have been the end of it. Third: She's actually treating and speaking about his joke about her daughter getting knocked up (like her other daughter) like an assault on "all young women."

Get a grip, the nation at large does not feel that young women are fair game for crude jokes. I mean, I think they are, but most people do not. Sarah Palin is a fucking idiot. I would bang her into next tuesday. I would have her douchebag husband hold a camcorder while I lovingly and affectionately violated his wife. That said, I would like to state again that Sarah Palin is a fucking idiot. I love that Palin is such a proponent of abstinence and her kid got knocked up. I think that when you parade your fucking pregnant teenage daughter around the country on television, they're fair fucking game. Don't use your kids as marketing tools if you don't want the backlash. She exploited her kids first, now it's everyone else's turn.

http://www.firedavidletterman.com

goochout.

Fuck Mondays.

I ended the weekend by backing my car into the winch of a Jeep. You see, I was backing up, saw that I had some distance between my car and the Jeeps bumper, did not take into account that a winch (unseeable through my mirrors) was jutting out 8 inches from the center of the bumper. Bummer. Not bad, just pisses me off.

Here's a picture from the JGFC pub crawl:

Think I need to lay off of the tanning a bit?

I've gotta go make up some work. Peace, fuckers.

goochout.

Need to regroup

This site has gotten stagnant, the Podcasts haven't been updated for a while. Is this any way to treat a website that turns 10 years old this November? Absolutely not.

I blame my lack of attention on too much Facebook, really. I have plenty of free time. I don't have a wife or girlfriend. I don't have a specific "job" to which I report. I haven't even really dated in a while (I made out with a stripper in a parking lot about three weeks ago, but that's sort of like the free square in the bingo card of intimacy).

I've been trying to lose weight, get to the gym (an event that I skipped this morning for no reason other than laziness) and do stuff around this house. And by "do stuff around this house" I mean cash in on favors/loans to have other people do stuff around this house. I don't know how to do shit except fix computers, crack a joke, and masturbate. All three are endeavors in which I engage as much as possible.

Oh, yeah, I joined one of those dating sites. I got sick of using platonic friends as "dates." I mean, if I'm going to take a girl to an event of any kind that's nice enough that I can't show up by myself, shouldn't I at least take someone from whom I might receive a blow job? The platonic friend/awkward drunken sexual moment phenomenon hasn't graced me with its presence in some time.

But I digest...

I won't keep hitting the snooze button on creativity by simply posting pictures of hot chicks. I will write something that will make people leave comments again. Complete strangers will once again email me with questions as to who I am and where I come from. They'll send me messages of encouragement and discouragement. I will work on bringing back the longer form posts... the columns that brought me to the eschelons of literary mediocrity.

Like Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ himself, I'll rise from the dead to color and hide Easter Eggs. I'll start drinking too many Red Bull and vodkas again then write about the ensuing and inevitable adventures. I'll forsake my friends and work/social commitments to once again DJ at divey strip clubs and write about my experiences. This site should soon make Penthouse Forum look like a page out of Readers' Digest.

I'll do all these things, I promise.

You know, as soon as I get a blow job or something.

goochout.

The Stars of SkyMall

Pretty good PC World article about the gadgets they sell in the SkyMall in flight catalogs.

Click HERE

Palm Pre Explosion

Cracking Open the Palm Pre TechRepublic Photo Gallery

This site has sucked since I got the new phone. I'm feeling very bitter as of late, so I expect more pissed offness/acerbic rants to spew forth.

Fuck.

goochout

Pre Ejaculation

My two year contract with Sprint came up on June 1st. The release date of the Palm Pre kept getting pushed back, ultimately to June 6th. I got to the Sprint store on NE Broadway (picked specifically because of its address of 1111 - my lucky number) in Portland right when they were scheduled to be opened at 10am.

There was hardly anyone in the store. Maybe the dropping of the Palm Pre, the most anticipated cell phone since the iPhone itself wasn't that big a deal? I walked right up to the counter, took a seat, and asked the Sprint associate if they had the Palm Pre.

They did, she pulled it out and started setting it up for me. During the activation process, she made a mistake and apologized stating "it's been a long morning."

"What do you mean, you guys have only been open for 10 minutes?" I questioned.

"Oh no... we've been open since 8 this morning because of this phone. People started lining up outside at 5:45 this morning."

So, instead of waking up at 5am to wait for the phone (like I totally fucking would have) I unwittingly showed up to the party two hours late and got my phone anyways. Once again, I unwittingly stumbled into happiness.

You see, you all have families, kids, maybe even a zest for life and a will to live. I now have the Palm Pre. It has so many cool features. Do you know what it's like to have multiple applications running on your phone at the same time (is that something you've actually thought/cared about)? Not if you have an iPhone! Ha. Fuckers. I think I'm still drunk from last night. Have to go running now.

Peace bitches. Oh, here you go:

I trust you slept well...

This chick, Lauren Pope, is a DJ.

?

Just got done with a mediocre workout at the gym. I'm performing my cousin's wedding tomorrow. Rehearsal tonight. I'm sorta prepared. Working at an office today; playing whack-a-mole with desktop support issues. Should be fun as always.

"Now it's like any asshole with a computer and Windows Media Player is passing themselves off as a DJ." - A strip club DJ talking to me at a barbecue, unwittingly describing my entire DJing career.

I have to go to work. This site, Facebook, all fun sites are blocked there. Should be nice.

goochout.