How the Gooch Stole Christmas...

Just finished watching "Funny People" with Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen. I liked it so much more than I thought I would. I'm not into stand up comedians as actual people so much. I've noticed that semi-famous people (local comedians, newscasters, radio DJs) have a twisted desire... no - need, to draw attention to themselves at all times. Being loud and obnoxious in an effort to get as many tables to stare at you at a decent restaurant makes you an incredible asshole.

I'm guilty of some of this behavior, but it's usually only because I'm insecure in any social situation and often stay quiet until someone says something that I have a funny retort, and by that I mean one that I'm 99% sure people will laugh at, then I say it without making eye contact with anyone. That's my move. That's how I stay relevant to a social situation without monopolizing it.

That, and copious amounts of booze.

I've also had people say that I should be a stand up comedian, which clinched the decision never to try it. Everyone knows that the Asshole Mantra is (usually after someone laughs at his joke, and I mean 'his' because this only gets said to men) "a lot of people tell me I should be a stand up comedian." I can't be lumped in with that group. I can't be lumped in with a group of people that rehash a shitty Leno bit at the water cooler and think that they should hit an open mic. I have enough going against me, I can't throw that shit show into the mix.

So, I survived a Christmas while being single. I've always at least had someone that I was dating, this time not so much. It's cool; I saved some cash on presents this year. They say that being single during the holidays is hard for a lot of people. Yeah, I survived Christmas only to have Valentine's day to look forward to. New Years' is cool, because despite my inability to get laid throughout the year, I usually find a decent looking drunk chick to make out with at whatever bar I'm slumming in at the strike of 12.

Podcast coming soon... I can feel it. I'm looking at my notes now on the other monitor.

Back to the gym. I've developed some bad eating/not working out habits over the last week. I'd swear I woke up drunk on a couch while in mid bite of a slice of pizza. I bet Weight Watchers does not address that sort of situation in their meetings.

JG

Where'd this come from?

I had a bit of a bender weekend and I think I updated my Facebook while inebriated. I found this in my "favorite quote:"

Whatever doesn't kill you didn't try hard enough.

I... I think that's funny. I mean, not hilarious; but a fun play on my favorite quote. Heh.

Off to work early.

goochout.

The Princess and the Gooch

From Twitter:

Oh, 2009... Your thirst for celebrity blood has proven unquenchable

From Facebook:

Brittany Murphy was "sick and vomiting" right before her death, so it's safe to assume she'd recently watched "Just Married." Her husband requested that an autopsy NOT be done on his 32 year old, otherwise healthy wife. If he needs to borrow the "Ways to Not Act Suspicious" handbook, I'm sure I have a few copies laying around.

I really need to just make it through the week. Been a little depressed and maybe acting out with the booze a little. And by "a little" I mean "holy fucking shit what the fuck was last Saturday about?" I'm like a tragic cartoon: Fun to watch, but still depressing. I'm sure that if I had some Tylenol PMs and a bottle and a garage and a running car with a full tank of gas, I wouldn't be around to almost kill myself like on NYE last year. Should just do it on my own terms... be a lot safer. Nah... I have too many people left to piss off before I meet some unexpected untimely demise.

I have a podcast brewing, should be up before the end of the year. I hate that you can buy two identical items of clothing from Old Navy in the same size and have them fit entirely different. Need I try on every piece of clothing I purchase? Damn. Last weekend was also a food bender as well. Have to try to shore that up this week as well. I'm getting sick of measuring what I eat. It's a necessary evil, I guess, in order to look like this.

Out

Gooch's Notes: Twilight Saga

Here's a summary of the Twilight Saga to date. I've watched both films so you don't have to:

It's about this teenage girl who moves to a small Oregon/Washington composite town. Her biggest turn-on happens to be guys that might accidentally kill her. She starts dating a vampire and then he takes off, so she starts dating a werewolf. The vampire appears to her as an apparition - like a dead Obi-Wan Kenobi to her Luke Skywalker - warning her of stuff, and watching himself get cockblocked by the werewolf. Oh yeah, the werewolf's only weakness, apparently, is shirts. And there's this girl named Jessica with a terrific rack, and a token wisecracking Asian. They are not integral to the plot.

******

It's simply a complicated love story that can only truly be appreciated by teenagers. The female lead is 17-18 in the movies and she's worried about being with this Edward guy... forever. Only a seventeen-year-old viewer could appreciate that. I'm thinking (as most people that have been in long term relationships) that forever seems like a long fucking time, considering that most couples break up after four years. I'm not unromantic, just practical.

goochout.

New Gooch on Monday

Watched Twilight (the first one) last night. This movie was made solely for teenage chicks. I was annoyed because the Edward Cullen character, the composite of a perfect object of desire, was the complete antithesis of me. Aside from dark clothes, this bloodsucker was skinny, pasty, and quiet. I am none of those things.

Whoever made Twilight took the mythical vampire and made him super cool and threw away any of the bad qualities from traditional vampiredom. Traditional vampires burn when hit by direct sunlight. That's not sexy enough for the Twilight demographic. In the world of Twilight, vampires sparkle... like diamonds. What happens when he's exposed to garlic? Does he start singing in the voice of Miley Cyrus? Fuck, he's dreamy.

I'm guessing, based on my one viewing of the first movie and seeing the posters for the second, that the Indian kid cock blocks the pasty kid. Hijinks ensue, I'm sure.

I'm going to see the second one tonight. Don't tell anyone.

JG

A Mouth's a Mouth...

Brooke Hogan looks like she might have the same voice as Herman Munster. Like she'd be stamping her foot down and screaming "I'M A GIRL... I'M A GIRL... I'M A GIRL... BWAAAAAAH!" They should give her that same test they gave that Ugandan runner.

Out

Tweet/Facebook update that didn't make it::

I'm not going to pine for you while you pine for someone else, so I'm afraid you're going to have to ride the pine.

Fuck, I hate being fat. I have a calorie counter on my Palm Pre. I'm eating Egg Beaters and vegetarian sausages for breakfast. Low carb ketchup? I fucked it. Elliptical trainer, personal trainer... all so that I can remove "morbidly" from my obesity status.

It's a misguided effort. I mean, I think the heavier I was, the hotter chicks I got. I'm going over the records, the charts, solving for ex... yep: fatter equaled hotter.

John Gallucci and girlfriend: 2030

I am shying away from my Microsoft loyalty to recommend that everyone use Firefox. If you blog, fileshare, look at porn... Firefox is so much less likely to allow you to get infected with spyware/viruses. I've taken the Pepsi challenge. If you go to PirateBay.Org and start searching through pages, you will get infected. Firefox? You might get an annoying page redirect but the computer will not suffer permanent damage.

Does anyone read this site anymore, or is it just the stupid Facebook/Twitter phenomenon. Has my lust for a short term attention span audience sent readers elsewhere? (I haven't read the hit counter for this site lately, so I have no idea).

Off to work. Salaam, bitches.

gooch:out