GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

I got a free Zippo lighter from a promotions girl at a bar last week. I'm so much of a fucking nerd that I had to look on the internet to see how to fill it. I don't even smoke. The ladies love it, though, when they pull out a cigarette and you put a flaming gold-toned Zippo in their face.

Gimme a light. No... I meant Bud Light.

I brought a date to Duke's (the country bar where my friends and I meet a lot of chicks).

"Hi... Beach, this is Sand. Sand... have you met Beach?"

A predictable disaster. Meanwhile, a female friend called me from an Ultimate Fighting competition where she was on a date. She needed to be rescued as the excitement of men beating the fuck out of each other couldn't compete with the sheer horror she experienced during conversation time. "I'm in hell," she reported to me over the phone. A bad night for dates overall.

Also, I nicked my goatee with a razor while shaving, so I had to amputate the whole thing. Now people can see my face, which doesn't help me on the dating scene.

Fuck. My mood is very "Empire Strikes Back" right now. Dark and complex with only a hint of optimism.

What the fuck am I talking about? How does a person sit in front of a computer and type incessantly about nothing of any real consequence. I could do this all day. Nothing but carpal tunnel would stop me.

GOOCH:stupid