GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

Last night I was at the Roadhouse, a country themed restaurant in my neighborhood that I often frequent. Nikki and I were hanging out, having a couple of drinks in honor of her deceased rat, Gracie. She had left, as she had to get up early for school this morning. I sat at the bar with my extra-large Jack and Diet Coke, the staple of my alcoholic diet. American Idol was on the television. "How gay," I thought. I had no idea to the extent of how gay it was.

A gentleman in a suit got up from the table where he was sitting by himself and sat at the bar stool immediately to my right. I was looking to my left as he got on his cell phone and started talking about "million dollar" deals and out-loud discussing how much he was going to make next month. He got off of the phone and said "hi" to me.

"How's it going?" I replied, barely taking my attention off of the TV.
"Great! My name's Chris" he said, as he put out his hand, which I shook.
"John. Good to meet you."

He then proceeded to ask me where I live, what I did. He told me that he lived in southwest Portland and that his girlfriend was mad at him for not being home. An appetizer platter was delivered to him and he pushed it between us, offering to share with me. I told him that I was good, but thanked him anyway. It was then that I looked over and saw that no one else was sitting at the bar, near us anyway.

Things started falling into place. My Gooch Senses™ were numbed by the JD, but when I switched to Gaydar, it was off the charts.I noticed that a man was violating the one stool space policy strictly enforced in an uncrowded bar. The "talking out loud about how much money one has on the phone in the hopes that someone overhears you" technique had just been used... on me. I also noticed that he was leaning really close to me (so close that someone later asked if I was showing him something on my cell phone, which I wasn't) and that he had the eyes of one of those televangelists that turns out to be gay and after you hear he's gay you look at him and say "of course he's gay... look at him."

I took a last look at my Jack and Diet Coke. I knew that I'd have to sacrifice it in an effort to get out of Dodge. Or, the Roadhouse; you know what I mean. There's some script in the gay handbook that says how to pick up on a straight guy and I imagine this guy was reciting it verbatim.

This happened when I was in college where a man sat next to me (while I was studying outside a classroom in an empty building), told me I was very attractive and asked me to coffee. When I told the man I was straight he told me that he was, too but still wanted coffee with me.

This also happened in Reno, now that I think about it. If a guy spends a lot of time talking about a girlfriend that you never see or if she's out of town a lot. Or, if he shows you naked pictures of his girlfriend. There's something that gay guys do with the whole girlfriend thing... using it as a tool to infiltrate the straight man's zone. I don't know what it is. If any gay guys read this, feel free to inform me what that is.

So there I am at the Roadhouse. A girl that I once dated but now simply maintain a platonic friendship with a strange dynamic and happens to work at the restaurant comes up and grabs some drinks to take to the dining area. I call out her name, leave Chris and my drink and follow her wherever she was going only to exclaim "goochthefuckout" and went out the back door. As opposed to someone wanting to go in mine.