Relationships and dating are extremely confusing and people spend a lot of time trying to figure them out. Fortunately I've spent a good chunk of the last few years focusing on what matters most in a relationship:
Me.
I matter. My happiness is my primary concern and priority. Nothing makes me happier than waking up in the morning and not knowing what I'm going to do for the day. Hell, nothing makes me happier than waking up in the morning and not knowing what I did the night before. I wake up, watch Sopranos or Entourage On Demand, work out, eat breakfast, go to work, go out to dinner (or microwave up something awful), watch To Catch a Predator, and fall asleep. I need for nothing else. What's a relationship going to do for me? If I want female companionship I can merely hang out with one of my hot chick friends. If I want sex I can go back to work at the strip club. If I want to be left alone, I'll lock the deadbolt.
You know what men want? Food, sex, silence.
That's it. Food, sex, silence. Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up!
Our goals seem very attainable, don't they?
-Chris Rock
Most everyone else doesn't see it my way; they don't share in my cynicism. This is fine. You guys can go out, buy roses, candy, rent a romantic comedy and cuddle on a couch. Before I became Darth Vader, I used to do the same thing. Shit... I love a love story. I don't buy into them or see them as a template that I could apply in my world. I like them though. Look at Jerry Maguire:
We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You... complete me. - Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) in Jerry Maguire, 1996
One of the most memorable quotes in movie history and it doesn't make sense to me. How weak does my emotional constitution need to be to need someone else to "complete me." What girl (besides one that looks like Renee Zellweger getting hit on by Tom Cruise) wants a man that feels "incomplete" without a particular female companion. I don't need to be completed. I am, in fact, a whole.
An "ass-whole" you might have wittily quipped as you read this. Good... feed into my cynicism.
You see, there will never be a sequel to Jerry Maguire. There will never be a sequel to any romantic movie. They all end with the couple getting together. Romantic movies always end with the beginning of a relationship. That's because no one in the movie viewing public wants to see the goings on after the bliss of the genesis of coupledom. No one wants to see the fights over going out too much. No one wants to see an argument over someone hanging out with an ex. No one wants reality when it comes to romance and relationships in movies. We watch to see an idealistically impossible, and therefore fantasy world. These movies should not be seen as "romantic comedies." They should be classified as "science fiction."
The standard system of dating is flawed. I see no difference in dating at this point than, say, handing out $50 gift certificates for dinner to random hot girls and hoping that one will sleep with me. The time I'd save alone would be so beneficial. Why risk a Saturday night on someone you don't really know that well when you're guaranteed to have a great fucking time with your friends? Chronological real estate is an extremely valuable commodity that I'm not willing to part with so readily.
Perhaps I'm a bit jaded. Perhaps I'm just not ready to allow my emotional well being to be held hostage by someone I met over drinks at a bar some Tuesday night. Someday I'll slip up, but for now I'll focus on completing myself.
Dedicated to my friend Britta.
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