Happy Thanksgiving.

HOW... are you doing?

Thanksgiving: It's the one day of the year that I can completely gorge myself with food. Correction: it's the one day of the year that I can completely gorge myself with food while not feeling guilty about it.

But I will anyways. Because I'm Catholic. And fat.

Nonetheless, the true meaning of the day is not lost on me. Sure it's the day that families come together just long enough to remind us why we were happy to move out on our own. Sure it's the day that drinking champagne at noon is not okay, but almost a requirement for sanity. Sure it's the day that everyone with a cell phone has broadcast a "Happy Thanksgiving" message in some form or another to everyone in their address book (I'm up to 13 received texts as I write this).

But it's also important to remember your American history. Remember that Christopher Columbus and the Pilgrims came to this country in 1492, trying to get the Indians to sign their part of the Declaration of Independence and to put their initials near each one of the amendments (they had to push hard due to the primitive carbon copy paper used back then).

Unexpectedly, the Indians didn't sign or initial anything and instead replied with the battle cry of "Umgawa" and attacked the peaceful Pilgrims as they were still holding the paperwork, plates of turkey and assorted appetizers/dessert spreads. The Pilgrims scrambled to their Mayflower ship and grabbed their buckled hats and guns that looked like horns. The Indians, meanwhile, ran back to their village of tents, known by the Indian term Casino, and grabbed their bows, arrows, illicit drugs, and fire-water (freshly brewed by Chief Beatshiswife). Thus, the battle for freedom between the Pilgrims, led by Columbus, and the Indians, led by a genetic predisposition for alcoholism, began.

This great battle, fought on what we now know as the First Thanksgiving, lasted only a couple of hours. Of course you know, that Team Pilgrims (as they called themselves at the time) emerged the victors. At battle's end, the Pigrims and Columbus feasted on turkey, potatoes, pasta, stuffing, and gnocchi. Some surviving Indians approached the feast and asked if there were any seats available for them. A pilgrim looked up from his plate, paused, and asked:

"Do you have a reservation?"

The Indians and the Pilgrims all laughed and laughed and then the frame froze and the end credits started rolling up the screen.

******

I like a happy ending. Speaking of which, I got a massage yesterday. No happy ending, but I think I fell in love. I always fall in love, though, when a woman sees me half naked and doesn't immediately vomit. I also got a hair cut yesterday. Shit, I'm starting to look human again.

******

I watched "No Country for Old Men" on Blu-Ray this week and realized that the film is, more or less, Terminator meets True Romance. The parallels are uncanny. I love all three movies, by the way. Blu-Ray, also btw, is awesome.

******

Alright, off to my pre-dinner nap.

Happy Thanksgiving.

gooch:out