GOOCHONLINE - Since 1999

Almost five years to the day I posted it, here's "The Love Column." It's my personal favorite. It's funny to go back five years and see how I viewed things. I still reference porn and jerking off too much, but at least I'm consistent. I'll probably make this into a podcast for the subscribers that don't necessarily view the website.

I don't have any real reason to repost this. I have some friends that it may help, however. And, as you know, I'm all about helping my fellow man.

The Love Column (Slightly Edited/Updated)
Originally Posted 07.23.03

So your girlfriend broke up with you. What did she tell you? She needed "me space?" She needs to find herself? It's a crock of shit. Trust me. Every man has had a woman shove her fist up his ass, grab his heart, pull it out, and hold it in front of his sobbing face.

Women get dumped, too. They get hurt. However, they've got a support group. They have friends. They have Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, and Oprah. Men have Budweiser, XBox, and porn. Your guy friends will make fun of you if you're torn up over a failed relationship. You're better off suffering in private.

Suffer in private, but don't suffer alone. I'm always here for you. Not in person (I honestly don't want to meet you), but through my writings you will learn how to cope. I've artificially inseminated this column with enough tips to help even the most jilted of hearts get through the tough times.

Don't return to the scene of the crime. Don't go back and visit the Ex. Don't call, don't write, don't email. Everyone either knows someone who got so drunk and sick off of a type of alcohol (tequila, for example, comes to mind) or done so themselves to the point that they cannot even smell the offending spirit without decorating a toilet with their lunch. Treat the Ex in the same manner that you would treat the booze. It already hurt you once, don't fucking let it hurt you again.

Why would you even consider it in the first place? Do you think that there's a chance you'll get back together again? It's not going to happen. She broke up with you because she couldn't bear to spend another second with you. Her cat pukes in the kitchen. Her dog shits on the carpet. They're still around. You're not. Think about it.

Another thing to think about when you're dropping dollars on bouquets with notes like "glad we're still friends:" SHE'S FUCKING EVERYONE THAT SHE CAN. The aerobics instructor, her boss, her Rabbi. They're all getting a piece of your ex and using condoms that you paid for and left at her place. She's making up for lost time, my friend. Oh, and your best friend? He's using foreign objects on your old flame, taking pictures of it, and emailing the pictures to all of your other friends so that they can all laugh at you. Here's a good rule of thumb when it comes to breakups: Imagine the worst possible scenario and know that it's happening in real life.

Have sex with as many people you can. The mercy fuck is your friend. So is the pity fuck and the "I can't believe I got so drunk that I fucked that guy" fuck. Embrace it and show no shame. These are likely one night stands, so don't even bother asking for a phone number. They don't want to see you again. They don't want to have dinner with you. They want you out of their apartment or they want to get out of your van. When I was in high school, I was so distraught over my girlfriend breaking up with me right up to the point that some 24 year-old (I was 17 at the time) told me to get in her car and drove me to a hotel room. I gave her 10 minutes of the worst sex of her life and the next morning the despair over my ex and my virginity were gone.

As you get older, it takes more than one orgasm-less session of humping to rid you of the depression. It could take up to ten girls and by the time you lay ten chicks, Holmes, time will have healed your wounded heart anyway.

Be aware that there are people you shouldn't bang. Any girl that has ever had so much as dinner with one of your friends is off limits. Don't even bother asking for permission from your friend to see about dating one of his exes. It's a stupid move that opens up a can of worms. You get attached to the girl, start dating her, and your friend will say something like "You mean you haven't fucked her in the ass yet?" No one wants to compare notes on a chick that they really, really like.

Objectify women as often as necessary. If you find yourself crying in a fetal position in the middle of your living room, longing for days past filled with companionship; fuck you. Don't be such a pussy. Watch porn, listen to rap music, buy as many table dances as you can afford, and shoot the heads off random females while playing the version of Grand Theft Auto of your choice. When you watch a video of Rocco Siffredi sodomizing a girl while holding her head in a toilet, you start to realize that women are in fact objects not worthy of your affection. Once this occurs, the healing process can truly begin.

Jerk off as much as possible. Sixty-fucking dollars you used to pay for lobster dinners in an effort to get laid. You can get the same result for the cost of a video rental, lotion (I like Vaseline Intensive Care), a paper towel, and a little elbow grease. Do it, roll over, go to sleep. No stupid conversations. No "where do you think our relationship is going" bullshit. You change your car's oil yourself in an effort to save money. This is no different.

Oh, you're going to want to be in the company of a woman again. It's instinct. It's like eating meat, driving fast, and sleeping in. You have to do it eventually. If you meet a girl, have your guard up, do background checks over the internet, and maybe the girl passed out on your bathroom floor can be the next future ex-girlfriend. Dating is not the fun and glitz you see in television and movies. It's a lot of hard work and who wants to do that. Marriage is like a stripper: It falls in your lap unexpectedly and eventually takes all of your money. I say that I'll never date again... that I'll never get married. I know I will, though. And if you're in a position where you're in pain over something like a breakup, remember that time is the best healer.

Time... and smut.