The Birds and the Bees

Supposed to be a man and his son fishing on a boat to illustrate this blog. Heh, this picture is the funniest part of this post. Leave a comment if you know what it is. Hint: It's from a movie sequel and it's not a man and his son talking about the birds and the bees.

My parents never had "The Talk" with me. Thank fucking God. My entire childhood was awkward enough without having to endure Mom or Dad stumble through that sort of conversation; the duration through which I would just have my head buried in my hands.

So I learned about sex the way a lot of kids do; through porn. Learning about sex through porn is the same as having a parent sit you down, you know, like during a fishing trip with Dad, and saying something along the following:

Son, you're getting older and probably noticing your body going through changes. You're growing hair in your armpits and groin area. Your voice is deepening. You're becoming a man. You are going to find yourself attracted to girls, if you haven't already. Son, when a man is attracted to a woman, and she to him, it's natural for them to want to make love.

This means that a man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. Or her ass. Or her mouth. Sometimes, son,he puts his penis in her ass, then her mouth. That's called "ass to mouth" or "a2m." If a woman really cares deeply for a man, he'll let him have sex with her in her vagina, while his friend has sex with her in her ass. That's called "double penetration," or "dp."

Now, son, if a couple truly loves each other and they've done enough cocaine, the woman will let the man and his friend place both of their penises into her ass. That's called "double anal."

It's important during the act of making love that a man expresses affection for the woman. He can do this in many ways: caressing her face with his hands or gently kissing her. He can also choke her, spit in her face or mouth, and even slap her. Yes, son, girls like it when you slap them across the face during intercourse.

Remember: Sex can lead to pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. You should always use a condom until you're ready to have children. When a man and woman who are in a sexual relationship aren't ready to have children and there is no condom available, then he can hold her by the throat while he ejaculates into her face. This is called a "facial" and is a very effective method in preventing pregnancy. He can also ejaculate into, or creampie, her ass. This too is a great way to keep from
getting pregnant.

You see, son, sex when done carefully can be a fulfilling and rewarding experience for a man and a woman in love. And his friend. Or her friend(s). Just remember to be prepared. You know, with a camcorder. Yes, son, always have a camcorder charged before you make love to a girl. A condom's good too.

Yeah, I think that sums up my sexual education since my formative years were spent watching porn on my Dad's hacked satellite dish. By the way, ladies, I'm single!

I should be drinking right now.

gooch:out.