Best Of...

From December 6, 2002:

Ah... the list format column. My favorite kind. I can just see myself living in my apartment with my freshly ex-girlfriend drinking a Coors Light and thinking this shit up.

You Might Be the Gooch If...

You've ever bought a large pizza for dinner on Friday and planned to have the leftovers for next day's breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If the above mentioned pizza didn't make it through midnight.

If you've ever pleasured yourself to workout videos.

If you've ever filed an insurance claim to get beer stains out of your car's upholstery.

If you've ever taken Trojan Enz condoms, zip ties, duct tape, and Gatorade through a checkout
line to impress a hot cashier.

If you've ever had a restraining order against you from a hot cashier.

If you go through three cellular phones a year.

If you have your old fake ID framed and hanging on your wall.

If you've ever been out of breath after walking from your car to the front door of the gym.

If you've ever rewarded yourself for a good workout by ordering five cheese burgers at McDonalds.

If you've ever studied for a Rorschach test.

If you've ever failed a Rorschach test.

If you've ever taken a breathalyzer test in an attempt to get a high score.

If you've ever used a Listerine breath strip in lieu of brushing your teeth.

If you still brag about your high score on Frogger.

If you've ever embarrassed your friends and family by appearing cable access three times.

If you've ever turned down an apartment because the location didn't have DSL service.

If you've ever driven a car with flames painted on the front.

If you've ever pissed away an exhorbitant amount of time on your personal website.