By the power vested in me... by the internet...

As some of you know, I got internet ordained a while back and have performed a few weddings over the last eight years or so.

Last night, two of my best friends got married and I was given the honor of officiating their wedding. I had a feeling that I might have to give a speech, or at least be given the opportunity to give one. I wanted to be prepared. So, in addition to the vows, I wrote a speech that I ended up delivering last night. Since it's the most time I spent on writing something in a while, I'll post it here. There's some references you might not get. Like the bridesmaid speech she gave at Robin's wedding was actually a speech I wrote for her (from her point of view and in her voice) at her request four hours before the wedding because she had only written five words. You had to be there. Anyways...

Here's the speech:

I want to start off by saying “Nikki, you’re right.” This speech is not going to be nearly as good as your bridesmaid speech at Robin’s wedding.


Despite not being related in any way whatsoever, Nikki and I have formed a sibling type of relationship. Like a brother and sister, although Nikki would joke “sister and sister.” A while back, Nikki and I were at the movies and we saw the trailer for a movie called “Made of Honor” where the male best friend was to serve as a bride to be’s maid of honor. I turned to Nikki and told her not to even think about it. Nikki wasn’t interested in the novelty or the sentiment of having me stand by her at the altar. She thought it would be terrific opportunity to emasculate me. You may think I’m joking, but I’ll bet you that before the trailer was over, she’d already picked out a dress for me.

Like real siblings, Nikki and I have picked on each other for the last 17 years or so. The ferocity with which we attack each other resembles a UFC fight without the sportsmanship. We match up in verbal sparring sessions using words that I’m afraid to say. At least in front of Erich’s side of the family.

Since we’ve known each other all of our adult lives. Nikki and I have been friends when most of life’s important decisions are made. Relationships, career, education - every important crossroad in life – we’ve watched each other both succeed triumphantly and fail miserably at them over the years. Like good friends should: We’ve helped each other celebrate victories, and been there for each other during some sad times.

Of her successes, my proudest of Nikki are her beautiful and gifted daughter, her pursuit and achievement of her dental hygienist career, and her meeting and marrying a great guy. Probably the most genuine thing I’ll say all year is that I couldn’t be happier about who my best friend chose to marry. Erich’s the kind of guy that you would want to marry your sister. And today I feel like he did. Erich and Nikki, I love you both very much. May your lives be filled with love and happiness and me, occasionally, crashed on your couch.