Post Script: This morning I was almost run off the road by two enormous trucks (welcome to Troutdale, baby). Two different times; I guess meth doesn't wear off until later in the morning? I always say that guys buy big trucks and SUVs to compensate for their small penises. "Gooch," you ask "why did you buy a small SUV?" To make my penis look bigger by comparison. Look at those bags under my eyes [see picture below]. I look like Al Pacino in "Insomnia," without the facelifts that make him always look surprised. I want to sleep so bad, but I can't and I have work to do. Whine, whine, whine.

GOOCH: out.

Gooch: an army of one.

Snoop Dogg is getting divorced. A "divizzle," as one news story put it.

Had a nightmare this morning. Woke up at 4am, could not go back to sleep. I'm into distracting myself lately and the most mundane of television broadcasts have my full attention. At 4am at someone else's crib I'm watching infomercials, reading fine print in cell phone ads, and hyper channel surfing. I wanted so desperately for something to be open so I could get out of the house. Twenty-four hour society? My ass. Safeway by my house doesn't open until 6am and those cocksuckers had me waiting outside until 6:05am.

BearShare is doing its thing for me. I've kept the ads at bay. So far the free version is okay in my book.

I'm so tired.

CNN Health: Boy born from 21-year-old sperm. Can the baby legally have a drink then? How does that work. As a professional ID checker, I'm faced with these challenges often.

Every news station and news website is headlining with this story: Hair Woes: Blame your parents Scientists discover "bad hair" gene. Did we cure AIDS yet? My friend has cancer but scientists are working day and night to figure out why people have bad hair? EVERY goddamned scientist on the planet should be working on AIDS and cancer. Nothing else should matter. Christopher Reeve can't walk, so suddenly there's strides to reverse paralysis? At least he's alive. Science sucks.

I'm Gooch, bitch.

As suggested through emails and comments on this blog, I downloaded and installed BearShare on my computer. My first inclination was to install another computer (a Pentium II or something) on which to unleash my file sharing endeavors. Like a Chasey Lain video and Vaseline Intesive Care hand lotion, BearShare gets the job done. My system is stable for now, but I'm cautious. You can buy a version of BearShare, but that's not my style.

BearShare website.

When you care enough to send the very best (and you really, really, fucked up the night before), call:

Nancy's Floral
2001 NE Burnside Rd,
Gresham, OR 97030
503.661.0911

Dean Vernon Wormer: "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Goddammit... it's all I know.

I'm reading a book without pictures: Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life. Okay, I just opened it long enough to see that there are no pictures. It's the first thing I've read in a long time that wasn't published by Microsoft.

Marconi and Tiny discussion board on StereoGum.com

Meanwhile, I downloaded the Jay-Z "99 Problems" video. Sweet. Rick Rubin with that stupid beard, cowboy hat, and fur coat... just being there is pretty cool. Vincent Gallo makes a pretty random cameo as well. Gallo is kind of a little bitch, though. Maybe Jay-Z should have had him gunned down at the end of the video, instead of himself. Maybe Rubin should be jogging in the video instead of walking, since he's put on a lot of fucking weight since the days of "Krush Groove." Maybe I should jog to the bar tonight.

I got 99 problems but the buffet ain't one.

Hit me.

Gooch: out.

Man... I'm fucking DONE trying to steal music using KaZaa. Two songs I wanted really bad were somehow deliberately all cocked up. Having a chick at your house, showing off the wireless media streamer in the crib, and having one of your pirated songs turn to screeching shit is not cool. It's definitely not sexy.

So "great," the RIAA may think... they've defeated me.

Bullshit. I'm armed with a .38 special and an empty mp3 player. I'm coming to their houses and stealing their CD collections. I'd love to go to Lars Ulrich's house and make him load his CDs into my car while I have him at gunpoint. The ultimate irony... hahahahahahahaha.

My name is John Gallucci, and I approve this message.

...and a standoff continues inside Tower Records with a man feverishly burning CDs on his laptop inside the store...

wow, this blog took a turn for the worse. It's breakfast time at Skyland Pub. I put a wireless access point in there and after the initial setup, I can't bring myself to be the guy in a bar on his laptop. It'd be cool to get stuff done while I eat too much and get shitfaced, but it's just not me. Strangely enough.

Tired, yo. I'm getting hangovers again. Getting older or is it my getting off of the Atkins diet that's causing that? Maybe it's because I drink too fucking much? Nah, I need to cut back on carbs again. Viva La Jack and diet.

I doing pretty well with the self employment thing. People think I'm really ambitious, but that's only at the beginning of the week, because I like three to four day weekends. My only ambition is to not have to be ambitious Thursday through Sunday.

Slacker, indeed.

Gooch: a legend in his spare time.

Dumb fucks.

DJs Fired After Playing Beheading Tape For Laughs
Portland DJs Played Audio Tape Of Incident
Ever since Howard Stern entered the Portland radio market, it's been a non-stop fucking sleezefest on Portland radio. Don't get me wrong, there's something to be said about the genuine sleeze and over-the-topness that comes from an original like Howard Stern. For chrissakes... I'm a dirtball at times. There are lines you don't cross and if you're so fucking stupid that you take something so universally horrific as the beheading of Nick Berg and laugh about it on the air, then you deserve to be unemployed (like me).

Every morning show in Portland sucks ass. Stern takes the place of a local radio show and suddenly DJ in Portland is looking for homeless people to fuck with. The 'black' radio station in Portland has almost no black DJs, but just a bunch of bad white DJs trying to sound ignorant. Black people should be outraged that the radio station that feeds their demographic has a morning show aimed at a third grade level.

I'm going to do an Irish Car Bomb toasting all Portland radio DJs tonight - Just about all of you are Stern wannabes blindly pushing the envelope of good taste to the point where you're going to get fired eventually and I'd love to piss on your W-2s next year. If you're a local "shock jock," quit reading this and go listen to your Howard Stern tapes so you can figure out what your show is going to consist of tomorrow. Homeless people? Strippers? Get to it! Your show isn't going to write itself, you need Stuttering John to write it for you. I'd love to hear an original thought from one of you Portland FM ass-clowns, but I gave that shit up so I can listen to Clark Howard on the AM radio. Hey, also, since you are called DJs, maybe you should quit telling old jokes and imitating people in New York and, I don't know, SPIN SOME FUCKING DISCS!?!?!?

Get me the number for Phil Hendrie, Howard Stern and Dr. Laura.

Gooch: signing off.

PS: the "comments" thing on this page is cool. Blogger is okay in my book.