Good Morning

Here's a sample of what you get when you wake up next to me in the morning. You're going to want to say "call me a cab, please" halfway through this. They all ask for a cab. [sobs gently]

UPDATE:

[by request, sorry for the nudity]:

Eh... I got nothing.

I saw a pro-abortion protestor holding a sign with a picture of a coat hanger, implying that if abortions were made illegal, this would be the only resort for women who want to get one.

I thought it would be hilarious to have a midget marching next to her, holding a sign with a picture of a paper clip.

I think I was an unwanted child. My Father still pokes at me with a coat hanger from time to time, clearly missing the entire concept of late term abortion. "Dad... you can't abort me. I'm in the 145th trimester. It's too late. I'm thirty-fucking-five."

Going to be 36:

[copy... paste:]

Gooch: The 36th Birthday Party
Celebrating my ability to date someone half my age. Legally.

April 24th - 8pm

Vertigo Bar


Corner of 43rd and Hawthorne (click link for full information).


I would say "more info to follow" or some shit like that. But that's pretty much it.



gooch:out

Deep thoughts...

I was driving up I-5 today when I smelled something resembling hot chocolate. It smelled really good, but then I wondered from where the smell was emanating. Was it in my car? Was it a chemical truck with delicious smelling fumes? It was then I decided that pleasant smells cease being pleasant when they come from unknown sources.

Mindy Mcready has a sex tape coming out on April 19th... my birthday? Priceless. I sort of think she's hot. At least she used to be hot. After a period of drugs and abuse she sort of ceased being hot and became, um, approachable. You know... looking for someone to take care of her. A knight in shining armor. Who is that person? I don't know, but I'd help her find him after I had semi-anonymous sex with her. Just kidding. I'd just leave.

I'm sophisticated and classy. Where are my chaps and clown makeup? I'm going out tonight.

goochout.

Dance, Puppets...

I'm going to have to arrest you for using the wrong version of "too."

I withheld my Hoyt Arboretum/Portland Police [Click the link for a news story on the issue] spin opinions to myself, but wanted to see if I could generate outside rants, maybe even start a fight amongst my Facebook friends. I simply posted the following:

It was an X-Acto knife?

For the entire day, no one left so much as a "like" or a comment regarding this ambiguous statement. A lot of people probably didn't know (or care) about what I was referring to. Then, in the afternoon, the following:

Really? Where you going with this?

Yeah... Why would anyone think an "X-Acto" knife was dangerous...?

Heck, you're right! Only a dumb ass would possibly be scared of a box knife weilding nut to the point where they might be compelled to do something they didn't want to do... Oh like, let's say...Hmmm?... give over control of their plane to a group of terrorists who would then crash said plane into the frigg'n World Trade Center Towers.... Oh, wait? That actually happened...Oops!... See More

Bloody dude + Weapon + Threatening behavior + Non-compliance = Deadly Force...... an "X-acto", a pencil, a screw driver, a baseball bat, a fork, a revolver, or a samuri sword... When used in a particular manner all are capable of serious physical injury and/or death... Don't fall for the "Albina" Hype.... Look at each scenerio independantly and objectively AND then make your judgement (or offer your "criticisim")....

I don't know what the "Albina Hype" is. I just liked how an entire opinion was formed based on one sentence. Barely a sentence. Almost a sentence fragment. I responded:

Just the phrase "It was an X-Acto knife?" has you assuming that I believe that the X-Acto knife is not a dangerous weapon and elicited your response? [I'm such an asshole, this response was exactly what I was hoping to get.]

I do take issue with Sizer's spin on the weapon, referring to it as having a "six inch handle" with no mention of the one inch blade. I would feel better if the Police provided facts rather than spin... [True. I didn't even pay attention to the story until I heard the Police Chief mention a knife handle as opposed to the blade. They worked hard to make that X-Acto knife sound like an Uzi. Hell, I'm not judging the actions of the Police (not here, anyways) but clearly even they believe the pen knife was a benign threat that might not serve as good press. I hate it when people try to bullshit me.]

If you think that I'm anti-cop by any stretch of the imagination, you're mistaken. I could never judge an entire profession by any one event. That would be as silly as judging someone based on a five word facebook post.

Then pleasantries followed. It's all good.

Police should be obeyed. It's the only way law and order ultimately will prevail (provided the cop isn't dirty). I don't know if I could shoot a dude with a one inch blade. I don't know if I could shoot a 12 year old girl at point-blank range with a bean bag gun. I've worked as a bouncer and been threatened MANY times. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have the same blessing of the police should I use the same tactics afforded to them.

People are fucking crazy. There are a lot of drunken, drugged up, depressed people out there [looks at himself in the mirror... a single tear rolls down his face]. There should be ways of dealing with these people that doesn't involve killing them. I"m sure it's easier just to kill people, but sometimes work is hard. I would love to know the situation specifics of the Hoyt Arboretum shooting, but the PPD is working overtime to create a press release that is likely based in spin [like when law enforcement refers to marijuana as "dangerous" ] rather than the facts at hand. 

That's another thing: mistrust only builds when the police take so long to investigate/report on a shooting. Police make such a big deal when it comes to interviewing witnesses/victims immediately after a crime, but it takes 48 hours to interview an officer that shoots someone? 

I'm happy that I have the Portland Police protecting me, but I can't stand when their upper brass bullshits the public.

Gooch:Out

Facebook Post that was pulled at the last minute.

You're welcome, K.M-B.

I didn't feel like dealing with any flack from cop friends, although I'm fucking right on this:

I didn't think much about the Hoyt Arboretum shooting until I read that Rosie Sizer referred to the suspect's weapon as having a "six-inch handle." Why would you mention the size of a knife's handle as opposed to the blade? Because the blade in question, if it was indeed an X-Acto knife as reported this morning in the Oregonian, is usually under an inch long. Nice spin, Rosie. I value our Police and wish I had the half the guts they have to do their job, but I don't think The officer's life was in any danger.

If I was a Portland Police Officer, I would hold off on shooting blacks and crazies for a while .

goochout

Gooch is dead. Long live the Gooch.

Facebook posts that didn't make it:

My bartender put green food coloring in my vodka. He said 'you're going to pee green later, buddy. I replied that it certainly wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

"In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king. However, in a 3D movie, the man with one eye is fucked." (actually from a blog post some eight years ago).

I once broke up with a girl by slipping a fortune into a cookie during a Chinese dinner. At the end of the meal, she opened the cookie and read "I think we should see other people." She started crying and I said "don't be sad, it's still kind of funny when you add 'in bed' to it."

I watched "Dancing with the Stars" Monday. I watched American Idol Tuesday. I'm going dress shopping Wednesday. [Insert Lane Bryant joke here. Assholes.]

Actually, I'll probably copy and paste those in later. I don't like the 3D one because I have a friend who lost an eye a while back and it's kind of a disrespectful thing to throw out there. Having said that, what a kickass tweet that would be. Who knows... I'll start copying and pasting these later. This blog serves as my personal sounding board anyways as I think I have more Twitter followers than blog readers. I seldom think about the shit I write on this, or about who may read it. With Facebook and Twitter, you're kind of stuck seeing my posts (unless you hide/block me), there's a sense of responsibility there. Here? Fuck it.

Gotta go. Peace.

goochout.

wake up; back to sleep.

who effing knows.