Here's a good article regarding hangover cures... click HERE

This report refers to an "average 150 pound male." I don't know any males that weigh 150 pounds. Unless they're doing drinking studies on twelve-year-olds, science needs to keep up with us fat americans.

To avoid a hangover tomorrow, I resorted to a low carb-high fat diet. When I was on the Atkins diet a while back, I noticed that no matter how much I drank, I could still get to work early the next day - no hangover. I haven't been able to do that since I was 11.

New Years (Portland) Recommendations:
Stuart Wylen Trio @ Wilf's (at the train station)
DFiVE9, Plain Jayne, and Head of Lies at Ash Street

Stuart Wylen Trio is one of the best Jazz acts in Portland playing at one of the greatest lounges in Portland. DFiVE9, Head of Lies, and Plain Jayne are great bands by themselves, but tonight have formed a superpower to unleash at Ash Street.

happy New Year. Be safe.

Christmas Night: After my indulgent foray into the world of 7-Eleven Big Bite hot dogs (with cheese sauce, a culinary delight I'm giving up for New Years) I decided to make a trip to the credit union to deposit some of my Christmas loot. Insert Card; Choose English or Espanol... Engligh was pressed and the entire system locked up with my card inside. A high pitched tone taunted me. Fortunately I had the cash I intended to deposit in my hand. I looked for the Ctrl-Alt-Del key combination to reboot the ATM to no avail. I'm without a check card and it sucks. I need to scrounge up some cash for tonight's debauchery; I'm down to five bucks.

Stop the Planet... I want to get off!
Attack of the Clones!
Real scientists call 'bullshit'!
Headlines write themselves!

Religious wack-jobs claim they've cloned a human

Raelian Religious sect is based on the teachings of Rael, a former race car driver who claims he met an alien and that human life was created by extra-terrestrials. The Raelians formed a company called Clonaid which claimed this morning in a press conference filled with potential bullshit that they gave birth to a baby girl cloned after her 31 year-old Mother.

CNN: Group claims first cloned human born

Brigitte Boisselier, scientific director of Clonaid

Raelians clone human, can't whiten teeth.

With the Multnomah County District Attorney's Office clearly the ones who gave the faulty advice to the officers that illegally searched Gina Hoesly's garbage; I proudly present this flashback from June 12, 2002 after her indictment:

I don't know Gina very well, but we have a lot of mutual friends. We can all take comfort in the fact that I know from first-hand experience (as a crime victim) that the Multnomah County District Attorney's office can't prosecute their way out of a paper fucking bag.

AT&T Wireless Services has attempted to overcharge me $339.16 this year.

On January 10th, 2003 I'll be acquiring a condominium in Gresham, OR. For those of you not from Oregon, let me explain Gresham to you.

Gresham is to Portland as Beverly Hills is to Los Angeles. Gresham is a monument to everything upscale, hedonistic, and excessive in the Pacific Northwest. The only Saks Fifth, Tiffany's, Macy's, and Harrod's in Oregon can be found in Gresham. I probably won't be able to get a prostitute for under $900 an hour. That's alright, though since that's money I won't have to spend on a security system (or door locks) since there's virtually no crime in Gresham. It'll be a drag occassionally when my drive to work is impeded by the horse drawn carriages that line the streets, but the ambience is worth it. I've got a personal shopper buying my appliances right now.

Have a great holiday. - GOOCH

Portland Mayor and Police Chief's garbage rummaged

Check out the typo-riddled KGW story HERE.

Apparently, two Willamette Week reporters searched the trash receptacles of District Attorney Mike Schrunk, Police Chief Mark Kroeker, and Mayor Vera Katz. After a police search of officer Gina Hoesly's trash turned up evidence that had to be thrown out (again, I guess), the District Attorney's office planned to appeal the ruling stating that citizens give up their right to privacy when they put their trash on the curb for pickup (see logs from 12/10 below). Willamette Week reporters Chris Lydgate and Nick Budnick wanted to ask the city officials "how they like it," I guess.

I bought one of those "Clappers" and plugged my TV into it. Unfortunately, now, whenever a Clapper television commercial comes on, my TV turns off.

Someone needs to invent a malt liquor named "Christ." That way when I'm walking around looking depressed and someone asks me if I've turned to Christ, or if I have Christ in my life, I can honestly say yes.

Where am I going, and what am I doing in this hand basket?

Garbage Evidence Thrown Out.

KOIN.com: Garbage Can Evidence Dismissed In Cop Drug Case
Click HERE for the story.

Gina Hoesly and teflon attorney Stephen Houze.

Gina Hoesly at today's hearing.

Gina Hoesly and Gooch, circa 2001.

For an early Christmas gift, I received a Starbucks gift card. On the back of the gift card, it reads "Treat this Card like cash."

So I threw it at a stripper.

or...

So I rolled it into a tube and snorted cocaine through it.

Buy the GOOCHMOBILE

Click HERE for the Auto Trader online ad.

You might be a redneck if...

You Might Be the Gooch If...

You've ever bought a large pizza for dinner on Friday and planned to have the leftovers for next day's breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If the above mentioned pizza didn't make it through midnight.

If you've ever pleasured yourself to workout videos.

If you've ever filed an insurance claim to get beer stains out of your car's upholstery.

If you've ever taken Trojan Enz condoms, zip ties, duct tape, and Gatorade through a checkout line to impress a hot cashier.

If you've ever had a restraining order against you from a hot cashier.

If you go through three cellular phones a year.

If you have your old fake ID framed and hanging on your wall.

If you've ever been out of breath after walking from your car to the front door of the gym.

If you've ever rewarded yourself for a good workout by ordering five cheese burgers at McDonalds.

If you've ever studied for a Rorschach test.

If you've ever failed a Rorschach test.

If you've ever taken a breathalyzer test in an attempt to get a high score.

If you've ever used a Listerine breath strip in lieu of brushing your teeth.

If you still brag about your high score on Frogger.

If you've ever embarrassed your friends and family by appearing cable access three times.

If you've ever turned down an apartment because the location didn't have DSL service.

If you've ever driven a car with flames painted on the front.

If you've ever pissed away an exhorbitant amount of time on your personal website.

I've been reading the last few logs I've spewed forth, and holy crap I'm one negative S.O.B.

Sandler sucks, J-Lo bites it, "They" blows, "Life with Bonnie" eats it...

'tis the season. Going to the Blazer game tonight, thanks to Marty at Skyland Pub. I'm hoping to hang around the Blazer locker room for a contact high. Speaking of Blazers, Ruben Patterson must be a fucking wife-beating Jedi Knight for the mind trick he did on his wife this week. Peep:

Last week, Patterson's wife, Shannon, called 911 from inside their Tualatin home. Here's a transcript of the call: "Yeah, I need to report an assault. My husband has just kicked my a**," Shannon Patterson told the 911 operator.

"I need to leave. He just tried to f****** choke me," she continued.

Police say she suffered a small cut on her left pinky finger and was choked by her husband. Officers also noticed several broken items scattered in the master bedroom and in the kitchen.

The next day, Shannon Patterson released a statement stating that the couple had a "disagreement" and that her husband did not assault her. She told police that she did not want to press charges" (What else did she say - These aren't the droids you're looking for?).

On Tuesday, Washington County prosecutors decided not to charge Patterson.

I'll be damned.

PATTERSON: DOESN'T WANT TO BE LIKE MIKE. HE WANTS TO BE LIKE IKE.

THANK YOUR ASS, J-LO. THANK YOUR ASS.

Well, the movie Wes Craven Presents: They blew ass. I was so appalled that the man that brought the cinematic masterpieces like Nightmare on Elm Street 1 through 5 could have been responsible for this crap. Turns out that Craven had nothing to do with "They" and only associated his name to the project to satisfy a contractual obligation (according to the movie chat rooms).

The new Jennifer Lopez song "Jenny from the Block..." also crap. What an unimaginative, unexciting, self indulging, over produced piece of garbage.

Is there anything more disturbing than the ABC sitcom "Life with Bonnie" where there's a make believe talk show? I mean, real talk shows need to be funny in an improv/ad lib sort of way. To see a show attempt to emulate this environment is contrived, confusing, and brings a word to mind that I just can't place my finger. Oh, yeah.

Crap.

A big thank you to the people who helped this site break it's monthly hit record during November. Thanks to the readers; thanks to drudge.com for their link to me., the celebrity of Sara Rue, police chief Mark Kroeker (both of whose names I purchased as domain names); and the movie Jackass, which put the word "gooch" in the mainstream vernacular.

ESPN: INGLEWOOD, Calif. - Verne Winchell, founder of the Winchell's nationwide doughnut chain, died on Tuesday at his home in Las Vegas.
Click HERE for the story.

Oh, and by the way... Adam Sandler isn't funny anymore. What a jackass he's become. This "8 Crazy Nights" cartoon looks like the shit that so much of the humor is based on. What I mean is that it's a bunch of shit jokes and it's a shitty movie. I mean that the jokes are about shit, but they're shitty jokes as well. I can't make it through the trailers/commercials and those are supposed to be the funny parts. And how many times is Sandler going to recycle his "Hannukah Song?" I might as well reprint my "Graduation Speech" once a month and just change some of the words.

And don't get me started on how bad the new Rob Schneider movie looks...

I swear to God... Animal House and Blues Brothers are huge hits for Saturday Night Live cast members and 20 years later every asshole that meets Lorne Michaels gets his own movie? Just as long as that no talent hack Tracey Morgan doesn't get his own stupid movie, I'll be okay.

Christ... I need a shot.

It's really a time for thanks, isn't it? With the holidays quickly approaching I feel as though I should share with you, the reader/homeless guy in a library/bored secretary/stay at home mom/unemployed guy, with what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful that Starbucks put up Christmas decorations as early as October. You can see the dismay on the baristas' faces when they hear the Muzak version of Jingle Bells for the 18th time that day.

I'm thankful for the lesbian lady that lives on-site at the storage units where my prized possessions are kept.

I'm thankful for my ex-girlfriend who's letting me stay at her place while I find one of my own.

I'm thankful that while there are homeless people on the street, I'm turning down apartments that don't have DSL service available.

I'm thankful for my bizarre blood sugar levels which have lately made it very easy to fall asleep (or pass out) after lunch every day.

I'm thankful for the Phil Hendrie Show, which is more entertaining than most television.

I'm thankful for odiferous felt-tipped pens, and for Super Glue.

I'm thankful for the movie Jackass, which has helped to break the monthly record for the most hits on this website.

I'm thankful to AT&T Wireless Services for reversing the $126.25 they tried to overcharge me this month.

And now it's time for...

BULLSHIT... or NOT?

The former home of rapper Eminem is on track to fetch more than $11 million on eBay.

In Charlottesville, VA, 48 students were expelled from the University of Virginia for plagiarism after a physics professor created a computer program to catch cheaters.

The Experience Music Project (EMP) In Seattle, WA, has acquired an open sack of tongue suppressors (popsicle sticks) from the family of Karen Carpenter and a 24k gold bedside pump used for water-based lubricant from the estate of Liberace.

Officials at the U.S. Naval Academy have seized the computers of nearly 100 students in a search for bootlegged music and movies. Cadets could face court martial or expulsion if investigators find digital songs or other copyrighted material on their hard drives.

Three Portland (OR) Trailblazers are facing charges next month on charges ranging from marijuana possession to felonious spousal abuse. The Oregonian newspaper is planning on moving its Crime Blotter from the Metro section to the Sports section of the daily publication.

JENNA JAMESON WITH GOOCH

Wait a minute... Jenna Jameson used the same signature as Ashlyn Gere. "All my sex?" This is an outrage. No honor among porn stars, I guess. So, this is it. The finale of a week long foray into my life in the mid nineties. Livin' every day like it's a bachelor party. Of course, now, I'm single. Pathetic... and single. Someone said to me last night "hey, it least it'll give you some good material to write about." I guess that really puts it into perspective. What's really important is you, the reader, and this website. ALSO: It's come to my attention that people are seeing and listening to items on this website and thinking that they may have heard/read it somewhere before. If you see/hear/read anything on this website that you think you've seen somewhere else IT ORIGINATED HERE (unless otherwise noted). Normal programming will once again resume.

Gooch

With the Holidays approaching, people have begun exchanging recipes in anticipation of the upcoming feasts to be had through the end of the year. I tried out a recipe last night that I'd like to share with you. It's a recipe passed down through my family for weeks, so grap a pen and paper and jot this down.

.5 MGs Xanax (anti anxiety)
750MG Methocarbamol (muscle relaxer)
500MG Vicodin (pain killer)

After a full anxiety ridden week, this is what it took to finally give me some uninterrupted sleep. I laid down at 7:00pm on my ex-girlfriend's couch in my ex-girlfriend's darkened living room and turned the Phil Hendrie Show on my ex-girlfriend's stereo. At 7:05, I started feeling tingly. At 7:06. I was conscious and aware of where I was, so when this overwhelming tingle started coming over me I really thought I fucked myself up. The next thing I remember is seeing a bright, hazy light... confirming that I overdosed through some deadly mixture of prescription pills. I'm not nearly the pill popper that my "xanaxlover" moniker would suggest. However, that doesn't change the fact that I really, for a second thought I was dead. With all of the shit going on with me (shit I won't go into because even I'm sick of hearing about it) I had visions (not of my life flashing before my eyes that in the movies) of tomorrow's Metro section in the Oregonian listing me as some guy on the brink of suicide for weeks who ultimately killed myself with the pills I so often wrote about.

I saw the light, however, and instead of tallying my accomplishments, I mentally wrote a press release. The light was glowing, calling me towards it. It then gave up trying to wake me and proceeded to cover me with another blanket so I wouldn't get cold in the middle of the night.

The "light" was the 60 watter I installed in my hallway and the "voice" was my ex-girlfriend (who's graciously let me stay for a while until I find a place of my own) who'd just come home.

I slept for a much deserved ten hours, woke up, then fell asleep again.

My boss at my place of employment uses the word "transition" for a lot of different things. If someone gets promoted, it's talked about as their "transition." If someone changes jobs, it's talked about as their "transition." If someone gets laid off... you get the idea.

So to fill you in on my life (close the window if you absolutely cannot give a shit):

My girlfriend transitioned me from the position of boyfriend to (what I hope to) best friend.

Consequently, I need to transition myself and belongings out of the apartment in which I've lived for two years.

The breakup has transitioned my years-old porn star celebrity pictures from a locked drawer to my website in an effort to put interest in a site where I temporarily can't focus my writing attention.

Someone transitioned my stored valuables out of my parents' house.

I'm going to transition myself to a bar tonight and transition some beer down my throat. The Tonic Lounge on NE Sandy in Portland is where I'll be.

ASHLYN GERE WITH GOOCH

Ashlyn Gere. Legendary porn star who actually made an appearance as a "legitimate" actress in an episode of the X-Files.

CHRISTY CARERRA WITH GOOCH

Here's another one taken at the bar where I was beaten nearly to death. Ah... the memories. Christy Carerra? Playboy Lingerie magazine cover girl. I think she was on the cover. All I know is that I was drunk and had $10 for a Polaroid. Check out my 1996 pager. This is proof that I am in fact the HOTTEST in Portland. Christy said so.

JORDAN ST. JAMES WITH GOOCH

I remember this picture. This girl's claim to fame was a part in the porn flick "John Wayne Bobbit: Uncut." I was so young... so innocent... so drunk. It was outside this bar (actually this building... it changed owners, names, etc.) where my skull was kicked in by an angry employee.

JEANNA FINE WITH GOOCH

In the interim between today's and tomorrow's smutstravaganza... I found this picture in my happy folder. Pretty cool, eh? It's Jaws from the James Bond movies with Roger Moore.

In lieu of any writing, and to bump up hits to my website for what is on track for a record breaking month, I'm posting a pictures of myself with legendary porn stars. Today's is with Nina Hartley. More to come...

Soooo...

Big day Friday for me and the band Perfect in Plastic. Friday morning I'll be at KNRK on the Gustav and Daria morning show. I'll be shooting some video and playing some percussion instruments with the band (which should be interesting). Also, Friday night: Perfect in Plastic is playing at the Fez Ballroom where I'll be doing the lights. With all of the peripheral band involvement I've had over the years, it's almost certain that I'm going to be on True Hollywood Stories someday.

So, let me try to sum up this weekend in a paragraph or two...

Friday Night: Details are sketchy. My friend Ryan turned 29 the day before so he, I, and six others crammed into a limo and hopped from club to club. Limos are cool because you can (legally) drink en route to the next club. The drinking never has to stop. I remember hanging out with a black guy and calling one of the girls in our group a "cracker bitch." I thought I was cool.

I woke up the next morning feeling good. No hangover, no headache, no cottonmouth, holy Jesus... I was still drunk. It was 9 in the fucking morning and the thought of urinating in my bed (and consequently, on my girlfriend) seemed like a better prospect than having to walk the ten feet to my bathroom.

Saturday: I didn't leave the house all day. I spent a fair amount of time with my head in the toilet (which is appropriate, since I felt like an ass). I survived on a peanut butter sandwich until I mustered up the change to have Dominoes Pizza deliver food. I think I'm eligible for a Portraits of Courage article in the paper.

Sunday: Finally went and saw "Jackass," which is the funniest movie released this year. Any movie with cameo appearances by Tony Hawk, Henry Rollins, Mat Hoffman, and Rip fuckin' Taylor has to be a winner. Lots of scenes from Portland, which was intriguing.

Anyone who visits this site with any regularity knows that I fucking hate the movie theatre experience. Spending $8.50 to see a movie that's going to be on DVD in two months, having some dumbshit(s) behind me yappin' their fat mouths... trying to predict shit out loud... I'll make it okay to yell "FIRE" in the theatre one day when I get so pissed off that I actually torch the place with all of you annoying SOBs trapped inside.

Anyway, I figured that Jackass had finally made its way into mainstream culture and that no theatre would let a kid in, much less would a parent bring their little brats into a public theatre. Fuck me if right behind me I had a family of three sit down. The ten-year old was laughing so hard that he couldn't stop from kicking my chair and his STUPID mom actually said (seven times she repeated this... I counted) "I had no idea that it was going to be like this!" IT'S JACKASS YOU IDIOT! Leno and everyone's been talking about it for a fucking month and you have the maternal balls to plead ignorance OUT LOUD! Next time I go see a movie, I'm bringing a claw-hammer.

< Look! some idiot put "gooch" on his license plates - he must be a HUGE Jackass fan.

Would I make a fortune if I invented a mouse with a hand lotion pump built in?

I really have nothing to do with the movie "Jackass." I haven't even seen the movie. I have, however, been approached by enough people with the whole "gooch (giggle)" thing that I've considered fellating the exhaust pipe of my running car. I feel bad (not really) for Gooch! Magazine, who actually has money invested in their endeavors.

Alfuckingright. Is there a connection between me (The Gooch) and the Jackass flick? Is that what's driving traffic to this site? Well, yes, there is a connection. I'm actually friends with Johnny Knoxville and did, in fact, inspire the "gooch" naming of what was once called tha 'taint. I'm not even supposed to talk about anything about Jackass (confidential disclosure agreement), but this can't hurt.

me (on the left, holding my head) on the set of "Jackass."

The definition of "slumming" it: Me in my room late last night... shirtless... sipping on a bloody mary made from V8 vegetable juice, French's Worcestershire sauce, fresh ground pepper, and vodka obtained during my last Reno trip. It was MacGyver styled bartending at its finest. It was a bloody mary that the A-Team would have made if they were locked in a bunker with only the contents of my refrigerator at their disposal.
V8: for the alcoholic with a well balanced diet.

Bill: I had a dream once that I was eating a giant marshmallow...
Fred: ...And let me guess: when you woke up, your pillow was gone?
Bill: No. When I woke up, my wife was smothering me with a pillow.
or...
Bill: No. When I woke up, my face was being pushed into a pillow by one cell mate and I was being sodomized by another.

You can't go wrong with prison rape jokes. Speaking of prison rape, let me give you some free technical support. You know those free utilities like "Gator" and "Weather Bug," those file sharing programs (like KaZaa), the fun apps like "Comet Cursor?"

They're all crap. Their sole purpose is to deliver advertisements to you under the false pretenses of providing a service. In reality, they suck up the bandwidth of your internet connections and eventually conflict with something important on your system. A hint to how insidious some of these programs are is made evident when you try to remove them from your system. "Add/Remove Programs" in Windows doesn't cut it. What I use is a program called "Ad-Aware" and then another program called "RegCleaner" on either of those to go to their respective web pages. Run Ad-Aware first, then run RegCleaner to remove all registry entries that reference Gator, KaZaa, CometCursor, etc. Delete the wrong registry entry in RegCleaner and you'll screw up your system. Once you've done this, go to KaZaa Lite and use that for your file sharing endeavors.

Office Depot

Is it just me... or does everything ATI work really well, sometimes. I bought a TV and video capture card and at one point everything worked well... once. Once, as in I was able to watch cable through my computer, I was able to pick shows from a schedule to record onto my hard drive (like TiVO sorta). Once I closed the programs and tried them again, I received errors as cryptic as some Doonesbury comics. I think things are working okay now, I really only got it to supplement my newfound digital video hobby by capturing video from analog devices. Is this a blog, or am I just thinking out loud? Does anyone give a shit about this paragraph? Oh, Jesus, how boring am I. I did get footage of that balloon that caught fire. Is it just me... or has network news turned into a lighter version of Faces of Death? Always something about balloon crashes, plane crashes, car crashes, shootings, etc. I plan, someday (when my video editing skills blossom) to make a film entitled "Camcorder Nation." I think the proliferation of camcorders has something to do with the climate of the media. I would tackle that intriguing issue. Or, I could just rent a room at the Motel 6 for an evening and film a porn movie. Ah, the options of camcorder ownership.

If you have a friend (or enemy) with an expensive monitor (like mine) and he or she couldn't give a shit about the various controls and features included in the function of the monitor (like me), find the "moire" function in the on-screen display and jack that up to full blast. I couldn't tell if my eyes were going to fall out or my head was going to explode. Go ahead, find it on your monitor. Then, piss off your friends.

I've got a real hard-on (I've used that term about 50 times this weekend alone... it's like my life's an 80s movie) for the digital video stuff. I can now watch TV on my computer's monitor (never mind the 27" television right next to it) and record shows like Tivo. Too bad I hate all television. I could record shows and let them get distributed on KaZaa, though. Screw 'em.

Jason "Jam Master Jay" Mizell: 1965-2002

"He has a little soul, to rock n' roll
Every record that he touches turns to gold
He's well conducted, self-instructed
His styles were plied, heavily constructed
Mechanically inclined, and if you don't mind
We add spice to your life, time after time
And think about times, where he's a long laster
We rock our rhymes for the Jam-Master."
"Jam Master Jammin' " from Run DMC's King of Rock, 1985 (CNN)

CNN: Run-DMC DJ slain in recording studio

Official Run DMC website: "Rest in Peace Jam Master"

Awwww... Yeahhhh.

Caught two DFiVE9 shows this weekend, also saw Dualesc, Red Sector and others. I also worked on the set of an independent movie, "Emptyland," being filmed here in Portland.

On Friday I bought a digital video camera. Anyone who has worked with me and thinks of me as a pompous, arrogant, help desk ASS would revel in watching me attempt to get everything set up. I did get footage of the dressing room at Darcelle's (Portland drag-queen club where Emptyland was being filmed on Sunday), a few Dualesc and DFiVE9 songs on stage (looks like crappy cable-access band footage, but with digital quality), and some macro footage of my pinky in the lense. I also have some editing and effects software that will take my amateur videography to the heights of porn production standards.

Sources: Rifle found in suspects' car [CNN]

John Allen Muhammad

Could this be the first black serial killer? He's got the three-name qualification, although Williams sounds like a better serial killer name than Muhammad. More on this as it develops. I just heard a guy on the news say that "a rifle is called a 'rifle' because of the 'rifling' in the barrel that spins the bullet... like when a quarterback throws a football." Why isn't a pistol called a rifle? It spins the bullet, too.

New pictures on the Pics page. Click above to see them. They were taken at Allegra Drum Crafters of Oregon during a clinic put on by Erik R. Hargrove, one of two drummers for James Brown. Not pictured: the obnoxious amount of Coors I consumed.

Boy... am I drunk... tell me that this chick isn't hot:

Sara Rue from some ABC show. Who knows... who cares... I bought her domain name, www.sararue.com, and would be honored to be considered her first stalker.

Had a good time tonight at Allegra Drums. Will post explanation and pictures tomorrow.

As long as there's been a border between the US and Mexico, there has never... EVER... been an illegal immigrant as unlucky as the two that pulled up to the surveilled pay phone Monday morning in Richmond, Virginia. Holy shit... I mean, these guys probably had no idea what was going on and (according to unconfirmed reports) literally crapped green cards as they were pulled out of the van. They should send a copy of the video (if there is one) to Univision and title it "INS: Caught on tape." Illegal immigration would be cut in half.

HEY, HERE'S A PAY PHONE...
Two illegal immigrants make a phone call while police in Richmond, VA think they're closing in on the sniper.

Click HERE for the full story (A day late).

A message from the band Tripleswift:
Tripleswift needs everyone that can...to go to the Jim Beam website and vote for Tripleswift.

Click here: Jim Beam Music
Vote for Tripleswift We have been selected as one of five bands Nationally for an assistance program as well as playing a national show for Jim Beam and Rolling Stone Magazine. We need votes as soon as possible... The deadline is October 23rd... Thank you for your support.. Paul, Eddie, Brian, and Brendan www.tripleswift.com - [end of message]

It's All Bullshit!!! - CNN: Sniper tips are bogus.

Meanwhile, I believe I've found the sniper. He was right under my nose and I never suspected a thing. Michael "YMike" Yatabe. Remember when I said that the sniper's name is likely named Michael and that's why he's choosing Michael's craft store locations? You know how the sniper van is likely a white Chevy Astro Van with lettering on the side?

Michael "YMike" Yatabe's band van and alleged getaway vehicle.

Motive, you ask? Publicity for his band's new album. According to YMike's website, the new DFiVE9 CD arrived today. I've already bought 10 tickets for the CD release party. Maybe YMike will be able to play bass at the show while wearing shackles and I'm counting my half-million-dollar reward money.

Three years ago I didn't even have an email address. Didn't want one. Now, I've got a video stream on GoochRadio. Click "Radio" above to see it. There's really nothing substantive, only a test with a beer can as a tri-pod. I guess the common thread in my technology career is really, in fact, beer. Click HERE to access the video test directly.

In news, I love that the news stations are showing pictures of the AK-74 and asking viewers to keep in mind that "the sniper could change guns at any time." Yeah, like I was going to call the police when I saw some guy in a van pointing a rifle out the window. I hung up the phone when I saw that he had an M-16 and not the AK-74 they showed on TV. Nope, couldn't be the sniper.

Also in the news...

FREE NOELLE BUSH!

Click HERE for the CNN story.

DUDE, YOU'RE GETTING CANNED (MAYBE).

Possibly the greatest technology news of 2002. CNN.com/Technology

I'm ten minutes away from vomiting over all my office from the goobernatorial [i did that on purpose] ads in heavy rotation on TV. Commercials that are scripted like "I'm a single, working mother. Candidate X would raise my taxes. I can't afford that. Candidate X hates working moms. " Or something to that effect. It's a sniper attack to my sanity, a car bomb in the night club in my brain. Can someone draw up a ballot measure to eliminate bad election ads?

If my website has slowed lately, it's due to the rebuilding of my media archives through KaZaa. I'm working on the South Park archives now. I got the "Scott Tenorman Must Die" episode, which is to me the greatest South Park of all time. If you want to know why I'm rebuilding my archives, check the latest log in GoochRadio. It requires Real Player, which I don't have anymore because it crashes my machine. I'm going to swich to Windows Media soon, being that I'm a Microsoft guy and all.

For those of you who rely on this website as your sole source of information, there was a shooting tonight at 9:15pm ET in a mall parking lot in Falls Church, VA. A woman was shot while standing next to her husband near their car. A lookout for a cream colored Astro Van with a left tail light out; silver ladder rack on the roof has been issued. Police are hesitant to assume that this is related to the previous sniper attacks, though it would appear likely. One would fear a copycat killer, though the van sighting and the proximity to a Michael's craft store would point to the real deal.

So what are we dealing with here? Previous sightings were of a white van and I think that the cream color is a misjudgement by some witnesses. White Astro vans are common as hell... I used to drive one myself. I've never seen a cream colored Astro van and I think that it's likely that darkness and a dirty van could give someone the perception of a cream or beige color.

A tail light that's out and a dented bumper? Wouldn't be from a big company; it's from a small company. Big companies keep up on that stuff. Letters on the side, not easily read? Possibly a used fleet vehicle with the letters removed, like a lot of small companies purchase. With a half-million dollar reward out there, a small contractor would turn in his mother almost as quickly as he would one of his employees. So it's a solo serviceman who works primarily on the weekends and on a ladder. Satellite dish installer? Gutter cleaner? This guy is way too clever to appear deranged in public. This guy drives home every night to a neighborhood where his neighbors joke with him that they're going to turn him in because of the type of van he drives, although there's no way that he could be a shooter.

What's with the "Michael's" connection? One speculation is that St Michael is the patron saint of law enforcement and it's a means to taunt the police. I'll bet a dollar that the shooter is named Michael. If I decided to go on a shooting spree, it'd be in front of Gallucci's Pizzeria in Lincoln City, OR. Most people beg for death after eating there anyway.

Who knows? It's pretty fucking tragic, regardless. All of my assumptions above could be shot down quickly... even by me.

Oh, and while I'm on the subject... When Montgomery County, MD police chief Charles Moose "lashed out" at the media, the public relations and damage control the news stations spewed forth was absolutely the most chickenshit crap ever put on the air. The story I saw from Portland's own KGW (Charles Moose is a former police chief here in Portland) focused on Chief Moose and his "temper." As though he raised his voice or hit someone. Moose merely spoke sternly to the press who were aggravating a touchy situation. KGW put forth a biased segment where a reporter interviewed Moose's former colleagues specifically about his temper. The footage they showed didn't match the story's copy... Moose is not a man out of control; he's a determined individual who isn't afraid to call "bullshit." However, he made news organizations feel uncomfortable and KGW knows that if you put propaganda over the air, people will believe it.

I will not ever, ever, watch Portland's KGW news again knowing that they're willing to skew the truth in order to push forth with their own agenda. KGW is also the same news entity with a sign language interpreter during their morning news broadcast. When KGW's longtime sign language translator Hank Stack died this year, anchor woman Brenda Braxton made it a point to mention in a radio interview that KGW is the only channel to provide a sign language interpreter. It was also KGW that paid to have their weatherman Matt Zaffino and anchor woman Tracy Barry carry the Olympic torch through Portland, reducing an honor usually bestowed upon people who have exhibited enormous courage and athletic acheivement into a marketing opportunity. Is nothing sacred at KGW?

You know what it's like when you crave Taco Bell and someone shows up at your house with a ten-pack of tacos? (Holy shit, I'm so fat that I'm making food analogies). You know what I mean... you crave something and it (as if by) magic appears. That's how I felt when I saw RED DRAGON tonight. With all of this East Coast sniper shizzo happening, I needed a good psychopath-killer film. A lot of people don't know that Red Dragon is a remake of MANHUNTER, which I hope to rent soon. Manhunter was written and directed my Michael Mann, so you know it looks like a two-hour episode of Miami Vice. I saw Manhunter some ten years ago, so I need to rent it. There are some anachronisms in Red Dragon... look for a reference to a quick DNA analysis in the film, which was set in 1980. I'm pretty sure that DNA wasn't so widely used in '80. Email me if I'm wrong.

I know that I promised that I'd stay away. However, tragedy has struck the Gooch Compound. I've recorded a quick Audio Log at GoochRadio. Click the GoochRadio link, or click HERE to go to the Audio Log directly.

I'm back from Canada. The difference between the US and Canada is that there's nothing in Canada (at least the parts that I've been) to piss you off. The street musicians are cleaner and play better than some of the bands I see in clubs in Portland; people drive in a friendly manner; you can pick up on 18 year old girls in clubs. I've gotta come back here and there's random shootings in Maryland and an alleged terrorist sleeper cell arrested here in Portland. I've come home and been nothing but a prick to my friends and felt one major anxiety attack start to come on. I'm out of Xanax, no writing ideas in the brain... I'm taking a break from this site: I'll return next Sunday, October 13. If something big happens, I'll do a post before next week. - GOOCH: out

MSNBC: Struggling WorldCom Inc., one of the major backbone providers of networks that route traffic over the Internet, suffered a major commercial Internet outage beginning at 8 a.m. EDT on Thursday, according to a company that monitors Internet performance. Click the link for the full story. I'm sitting here, cowering in a corner with my flask, rocking back and forth muttering... "I didn't do it... [sip] I didn't do it..."

You see, the coincidence here is that I just did some upgrades on the server and was working on the DNS system (an area in which I sometimes struggle) last night. When stuff breaks down after that kind of work, you don't worry that it's down, you hope that someone else fucked up.

HOLY SHIT!

I'll break this down in short form: goochonline.com and several other websites are hosted on a server located in the panic room of the Gooch Compound. That server is connected to the internet through an internet service provider (ISP), similar to the way that most everyone with high speed internet access (or dial up) connects to the internet. The ISP connects to the internet through a "backbone provider," someone who connects them to the actual internet itself. Well, the backbone provider for my ISP went to shit this morning. It's back up, but appears to be spotty. I've been told that by noon it'll be okay. If you're unable to read this message, it's likely due to the issues referenced earlier in this paragraph. Please try again later.

[CNN] Police: 8 youths confess in Milwaukee death

What's almost as shocking as this murder is a passage from an AP report published in today's Oregonian:

"Just to come home to trouble every night gets kind of tiresome," said Erinn Payne, 22, who saw the attack but walked by, thinking the children were beating an animal.

Beating an animal? Did he say that out loud? Where was he when I was hunting bears?

Just returned from a beach trip at the Moore Beach House. I'll let the pictures tell the story. Click on "PICS" to see the pictures or click HERE

CONTEMPLATING MY NEXT MOVE... OR JUST PASSED OUT?

It's so... kickass.

I'm a big fan of old video games and embrace any efforts to bring the classic gaming experience to my PC. Remember Star Wars, the 1983 video game with the vector graphics and the digital voices based on the 1977 movie? Did you ever see a similarly styled game for Empire Strikes Back? I did... once. It was at the Pietro's on 122nd and Stark in Portland (there no longer). I never got to play it. I learned later that the ESB game was actually a special kit installed in existing Star Wars games. This was done in 1985 during the slump in the video game industry and not a lot of these kits were installed. I only saw the game a second time when I downloaded the emulator ROM. Thanks to the emulator (and an old analog joystick that YMike dropped off some time ago), I was able to play the Empire Strikes Back video game. Click HERE for a great site with background on all Star Wars games.

SCREEN SHOTS FROM "EMPIRE STRIKES BACK" VIDEO GAME

OH, check out GOOCH MAGAZINE. No relation to me, other than that they publish written work. On the other hand, the people involved use terms like "Hail Gooch" and "Gooch On!" Could this be a fanzine for me? They don't mention me by my given name (Johnny Wadd), but with all of the writers praising "Gooch" and stuff... I'm going to run with this fanzine thing.

GOOCH ON! (I guess).

Is Kelly Osbourne hot... or not? Or legal, for that matter. it's weird. She turns 18 next month. Once you turn 18 you have no excuse for covering Madonna songs. NONE!

MSN/Slate: What is an Irish Traveler?

Producers Apologize for Jokes in 'Barbershop'; Jackson Wants Scenes Cut - Hey, Jesse, don't you have some kids to take care of? You've got better things to worry about... trust me.

Ahhhh... so Madelyne Gorman Toogood is an Irish Traveller. You know what an Irish Traveller is? Me neither. However, I've done some research and concluded that they're pretty much fucking Gypsies. "Gypsies," as one of my most militant anti-racist friends once said, "happen to be the one people that lives up to their stereotype." They shoplift, rip people off, scam people, and move around the country to avoid prosecution/lawsuits/reposession of their cars. Toogood, for example, had driver's licenses in three different states.The Toyota Sequoia in which Toogood was taped beating her kid was, according to experts, likely bought on credit and never paid for - a lack of permanent address would foil reposession.

The state of Indiana should keep Toogood's kid in an effort to keep a future criminal off the streets. There's no doubt in my mind that Toogood's daughter, Martha, was beaten because she foiled a shoplifting attempt in Kohl's department store. Madelyne Toogood was arrested in a Kohl's in Texas six months earlier for shoplifting.

Oh... I could go on. We all have "Gypsy stories." Email them to me. I don't condone hatred of any people, but I also don't condone a way of life where ripping people off, beating kids, and just being a general nuisance to Society is the norm. I say "beating kids" because the clan to which Toogood belongs did nothing to bring her or her daughter to the police. Crime against children is the most reprehensible. I hope that the appropriate authorities do the appropriate fucking with these people.

YOU CAN'T BEAT SHOPPING AT KOHL'S!

Whoa... I need to NOT drink Jack Daniels in the morning. MAILENABLE is a great email server. Mail Washer is the anti-spam software.

I cleaned out the office. Again. I literally threw out about 60 pounds of old magazines, boxes, and one custom made shirt that I had yet to take out of the shipping box. The room still looks too small, but I'll deal with it.

Meanwhile, I've been battling spam on my computer. A great tool is MailEnable, which you should check out. I'm thinking about building a filter (one of the options of MailEnable) to get rid of the spam I've been accumulating. I think if I exclude the following words from incoming emails then I'll be alright: incest, ince$t, animal sex, DVD, teen, teens, MILF, copy DVDs, auctions, Your computer isn't safe, Erase your internet tracks, your computer is spying on you, X10, spycam, IRS, etc...

In other news: Madelyne Gorman Toogood, the woman who was caught beating her kid on a security camera has pleaded "not guilty" to felony battery to a child. I hope she's been able to find the attorneys that got Rodney King's "LA Four" off. It'll be her only hope. Read the CNN interview HERE

NO WIRE HANGERS!

Another column in the "COLUMNS" section, where all of my columns belong. It's short... somewhat of a columnette. Enjoy.

If you think that I'm resting on my laurels (not the "laurel" that I had sex with in the 'Mr. America' column in the COLUMNS section) because I kicked out a considerable amount of content this week... you're absolutely right. Two columns last week: soak 'em in. Usually while I'm watching the Anna Nicole Smith show on Sunday I start thinking of stuff to write about. She's my muse. A big, fat, slurring, idiotic, hick muse. And speaking of sex with my uncle, I'm going to the Ford dealer to get the oil in my truck changed. Have you ever taken a new car to the dealer for routine maintenance? Can't afford a new car? Me neither. That didn't stop me. Nonetheless... if you haven't taken a car to the dealer for service, bend over a couch and get sodomized by your Father-In-Law while he puts his cigarette out on your lower back. It's real painful at first, but you get used to it after a while.

If you're at work today (not like me), and need something to read, check out Mike Jasper and his light, good-hearted writings. Or you could go to The NetWits and pick from a plethora of internet columnists.

Content abounds on GoochOnline! Click on the COLUMNS button on the menu, or click HERE for "Here He is... Mr. America." Also, there's a new column (as of Monday) in the COLUMNS section as well.

GOOCHONLINE Tip: The "Bob Greene" blog should be read first before the "Red Green" blog (immediately below) in order to make any sense at all. You see, it's all in reverse order. Sign my guestbook. Join the goddammed mailing list. Do something.

Bob Greene's brother, Red would not comment on the columnist's issues when contacted by GoochOnline. He did say, however: "If the women don't find you handsome, for God's sake don't let them find you in a hotel room with a teenage girl." Words to the wise.

Red Green
Oh, yeah: I get that the last names don't jive.
Don't know who Red Green is? Click HERE.
I'm pretty tired of duct tape jokes, but RG makes me laugh at them just the same.

CNN: Columnist resigns over sexual relationship

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- Nationally syndicated Chicago Tribune columnist Bob Greene resigned after acknowledging he engaged in inappropriate sexual conduct with a teenage girl, the newspaper said Sunday.

The ironic thing is that (according to the story) Greene almost won a Pulitzer for writing about children's rights. I guess it's analogous to my writing about local music. I wrote about local music, so I felt like I should go to some local shows. He wrote about teenagers, so he too immersed himself in his subject matter. I'm just glad he didn't write about animal rights.

Chicago Tribune's take on the situation

Chicago Tribune: "To our readers"

GOOCH (the column)
Posted 9/15/02
© 2002

You Can't Match the Patch

A guy in my apartment complex informed me that he, in fact, is trying to quit smoking.

"Great!" I said. "Cold turkey?" I inquired. "Nope, I'm using the patch."

"The patch," (an over-the-counter transdermal nicotine delivery system) has become a popular method for people trying to quit smoking.

The patch perplexes me and (if to no one else but myself) is taking on its own style and persona that I find myself exploring more and more. The patch has a lot going for it. It can be used anywhere, there's absolutely no negative stigma toward it (a positive one, if anything), and with common knowledge being that you're absolutely NOT supposed to smoke while wearing the patch, it gives the user an easy excuse not to imbibe in the habit they're so desperately trying to break.

When you have a bad habit and you're trying to break it, your friends suck. If you're trying to cut down on drinking and you're in a bar drinking a soda pop, Gooch's law dictates that your friends will fuck with you. "Have a drink," they'll say. "What's wrong?" Like not drinking is the sign of a problem. You can get drunk and piss yourself in a public place... and your friends will be the last to ask you if "there's anything wrong."

That's where the patch would come in handy. An alcohol patch, that is. "Hey bro, want a shot?" You could reply, "No thanks," then motion toward your upper arm, discreetly informing your friend that you've started the first step of your "Alcoderm" patch. Since people react to different types of alcohol in different ways, you could have varieties like "JagerDerm" and "JackDanielsDerm."

That's how society works. If you're offered a carrot stick, and you decline, there's never an "are you sure?" If you're offered a glazed doughnut and you decline, someone's likely to say "what, are you on a diet?" Like "no" isn't good enough or there's something wrong with not eating a doughnut. Not doing things that are bad for you is an act of deviance.

Quite frankly, I dig the real stuff. If people want to engage in a step down program for anything, then perhaps we should start selling shot glasses in different sizes. Cigarettes at different lengths. I wish I smoked. I'm pretty uncool in real life and it'd be nice to have something to do in a social setting with my hands than check my watch three times in a minute or check the calendar on my Palm Pilot. Nope... I'd love to have a Zippo lighter, a pack of Marlboro "reds" (in the hard pack). Whenever I'd get nervous, I'd light up a cigarette. Chicks would dig me, men would respect me. Unfortunately, I can't get through a cigarette without getting nauseous.

The solution? The patch. I'll start low, then work my way up. It'll be the "step up" program. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Looking for the party pictures from 09.14.02? They're in the "PICS" page, or click HERE (kind of low-res... it's empathy for my dial-up friends and for me, since I took the "smart" out of Smart Card by leaving the hi capacity digital film card at home.

New pictures in the "PICS" section of the site (click the menu, above). Nothing spectacular, but the interesting thing is that I spontaneously decided to take my camera out yesterday for no reason other than just to shoot pictures while I was downtown. A friend pointed out that it was EXACTLY one year ago that I did the same thing. Weird. I don't visit my own page (being as that I built it, and all) and didn't realize that I was participating in an anniversary like photo shoot.

Actually, the search engine (see the new menu item, above) works really well. COOL.

Tonight's CSI: Crime Scene Investigators has adult content and brief nudity. Where's my hand lotion?

While waiting for CSI to come on, I saw an episode of Big Brother 3. I figured it was time for another round of my game, "DUDE, SHE'S NUDE!"

To KaZaa I went, typed in one of the girls' names from the show and "Big Brother" and waddyaknow... PAYDIRT!

SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO AMY HOW A CAMERA WORKS

There's more pictures from Kazaa but this just illustrates the power of the internet and file sharing technologies. Napster thinks they're going to make a comeback? Bullshit. It's not about MP3s anymore... it's about JPG, MPG, MP4, AVI... and everything else that pirated footage can be compressed into.

"Dude, She's Nude" was illustrated in a log I wrote earlier this year. You can find it in the "search" page I added tonight. It works okay, after tweaking a-plenty. People who've asked me about blogs/columns written on specific topics can now do a search for those now.

From the "What the FUCK" files, I've done a screen capture of the New York Lottery's "Numbers" game for the evening of 9/11.

Oooooh... creepy!

Probably some of the most moving radio/television programming on right now is the replaying of footage from September 11, 2001. I never cried in the aftermath of the event, but found myself tearing up while listening to the rebroadcast of the Howard Stern Show (broadcast from New York) from 9/11 this morning. The shock, the questions, the unknown, and the sheer horror of not knowing how many planes were going to dive from the sky.

I remember waking up on a sunny day. My girlfriend had just left for work, I grabbed a granola bar and headed back to bed to watch some television.

I turned on the TV and, like most men, didn't let the TV even warm up before turning the channels in rapid succession. I started to get a sickening feeling when all channels were showing the same scene... a building on fire. I stopped turning the channel just in time to see the second plane crash into one of the towers.

My blog was active during those times and I began writing about the attack (and other things, trying to keep some sense of normalcy). You can click on the Archives above and click on the date ranges on 9/11 and after, or your can click HERE for the compilation of those blogs.

MSNBC's "9/11 Remembered" < Good page for the day. Check out the "Facts After 9/11" on the left of the page.

...And the #1 response to the "I Am Sam" spoof below?

"I don't get it."

For those of you who haven't seen "I AM SAM," it's about a retarded guy who works at Starbucks and turns out to be the smartest person behind the counter.

In other news, the #1 reason I'm not going to see my radio idol Phil Hendrie at the end of this month? Lack of funds. Am I bitter? yup.

In addition to "I Am Sam," I also watched "A Beautiful Mind," which is the true story of Russell Crowe's personal battle with schizophrenia, which would explain his penchant for bar room brawls.

More fun with Photoshop...

Glad I'm not that guy...

With no freelance tech support jobs today (I did edit a system file today - pro bono) I went to Fry's, got my hair cut, ate at Quizno's, and watched some television.

Everyone knows that commericials are aimed at the specific demographic most likely to be watching TV at the time. I'm glad I'm not someone who: is unemployed (I'm underemployed), just got their phone service cancelled "just because I didn't pay the bill," needs cash fast (and can get it with a recent pay stub), shouldn't let bad credit keep me from buying a new car, truck or van, needs to look into a career in aviation maintenance, or needs to look into the Book of Mormon for inner peace.

Shit... All My Children's on... gotta go.

News of the stupid:

Mexican Pop Star Loses Fingers While Waving to Fans

AMERICAN IDOL: THE SECOND FOREIGN TERRORIST ATTACK ON AMERICAN SOIL.

What, in the name of all things holy, possessed someone to bring the "Idol" concept to American television? I've kept from watching this overhyped spectacle all season and I tried to sit through the big finale tonight. Why can't the USA come up with cool programming? Why do we have to import garbage like "Weakest Link" and "American Idol?" (called "Pop Idol" in England, where it was hatched).

What a load of crap.

The finale features unfunny, wisecracking hosts, Ford Motor Company commercials actually placed within the actual show itself, and big ensemble medleys from the final contestants. Big ensemble medleys? Hasn't happened since the seventies. So... they're going to bring that genre back? Not while I'm alive. Tonight's show looks as though Lawrence fucking Welk rose from his grave and said "get some really good songs, put them to MIDI, and have college kids sing and dance to them."

"But Lawrence," someone might ask, "isn't that like bringing a karaoke bar to prime time television?"

That's what it is. I can go to any karaoke bar in Gresham and hear singing better than what the pant-loads at Fox have glorified. Who's in to this stuff?

In grade school, I saw a porno where a guy was sodomizing some chick while holding her head inside a flushing toilet. Everyone responsible for this crap should have this done to them. Get me the number for Rocco Siffredi.

ROCCO SIFFREDI. HE MAKES THINGS HAPPEN

I'm a little wired. Pretty stoked. That last blog was actually generated from my cell phone. I entered a blog while sitting at a bar. That's remote access at its finest.

I'm burnt out. gonna go back to bed. Thanks to all of the well wishers and congratulatory calls. I'll write more on this experience, if I deem it interesting enough.

...Since this afternoon!

MCP

I passed the microsoft exam!

shit.

I should be at Tabor right now, checking out DFiVE9. Instead, I'm here. I'm alternating between watching 1/2 hour segments of television and studying my ass off for a Microsoft test I'm taking on Tuesday. Between rent and the required prepayment for the certification test on Tuesday, I'm also somewhat lacking in mad money. I will probably go to the Head of Lies show tomorrow, because my girlfriend agreed to go already. I'll stick her with the bar bill.

Lessee...

Check out DFiVE9 at Mt. Tabor tonight.

Check out Head of Lies tomorrow night at the Bitter End on west Burnside in Portland.

Check out Perfect in Plastic's new website at www.perfectinplastic.com.

Oh, I redid the site. Whatcha think?

From Cari, as posted in my Guestbook:

Whats up dude....long time no talk....Just coming on to see how you are doing. I found a new band for you to check out....Head Of Lies. They are very good...so yeah...I hope you check them out, and if you do, I hope you like them. I miss ya! Cari - www.headoflies.com

Cari, I'm good friends and a big fan of HOL. The only bumper sticker I have on either of my cars is a Head of Lies sticker. Not because I put it there, but because bassist Delvis put it there. As a matter of fact, I was having drinks last night with Delvis, drummer Ben, and .33333 of HOL management, Millie. Good people, great musicians.

Head of Lies is a great band. Check out their website.

Okay, what's this from:

"Gooch....Gooooooooooch...this is Mohammed Ali....leave my friend Arnold Drummond alone, Gooch!"
KNRK Portland DJ Daria O'Neil in her response to an email I sent last weekend

Once upon a time I was a delivery driver who tortured local radio call-in shows armed with idle driving time, a good cell phone plan, and sick attitude. However, I never messed with KNRK and it's their Gustav and Daria who, I believe, will ultimately do for local music what Jam Magazine almost did (before it was molested, killed, and stuffed into a barrel). - Link: KNRK

Daria O'Neil from KNRK

Ward Weaver demands use of his middle name

Ward Wea-er...Francis Weaver III

OREGON CITY, OR (goochonline) It's a long standing tradition of naming conventions. John Wayne Gacy, John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald... the list goes on and Ward Weaver III is hoping to join the ranks of psycho-murderers not only through his actions, but through the use of his middle name.

Ward Francis Weaver III has made an appeal to local and national media outlets to use his middle name when referring to him. In an exclusive interview with GoochOnline through a closed circuit monitor in the isolation cell in the Clackamas County Jail, Weaver stated that "Everyone since Lincoln was shot gets their middle name used. Even my Dad [Ward Francis Weaver, Jr.] gets his middle name mentioned. What about me? What the hell do I have to do to get all three names in print? I'm a murderer and a child molestor."

Weaver is now the prime suspect in the kidnapping and murder of Miranda Gaddis and Ashley Pond, two Oregon City, Oregon teens who lived within a mile of Weaver's home where their bodies were found this week.

The family of Hugh Beaumont, who played Ward Cleaver on television's "Leave it to Beaver," has also urged media outlets to use Weaver's full name to avert any confusion between the child molestor/murderer and the 50s sit-com character.

Charles Manson was unavailable for comment at press time.

The end of the last log is actually an excerpt out of my new parenting book entitled Spare the Rod... Get Me a Shovel.

In other news, I've been dropping quarters galore at Ground Kontrol in southwest Portland into the video game "Punch Out." I've been trying on and off for 15 years and I still can't get pass Kid Quick. Does anyone have any tips?

Kid Quick, taunting me once again. Oh... I'll get him some day.

Happening in my back yard:

CNN: Oregon girl's body found behind neighbor's home

As I write this, it has been confirmed through television reports and through internet news outlets (click link above) that the body discovered yesterday at the Oregon City home of Ward Weaver is, in fact, the remains of Miranda Gaddis. The second set of remains, found under the suspicious concrete slab at Weaver's rental home will undoubtedly be those of Ashley Pond.

Parents: It's important to take the time to explain to your children what has happened and help them in dealing with uneasy feelings. Remind them of the basic safety rules they should already know: Dont talk to strangers; don't accept gifts from strangers; use the "buddy system," etc. Let them know that it's okay to cry.

Out of all this tragedy, there is a way for parents to take advantage of an otherwise tragic situation. When your own children are insubordinate, you can quietly get them to cooperate by simply digging a hole in your own backyard. Place a shovel near your home/apartment's back door then ask your child to clean his or her room. If they refuse, or don't complete the task in what you feel to be a timely manner, start digging a hole. The child may ask why you're digging a hole. Simply say "no reason."

If they make the connection early on, they'll start behaving pretty quickly. If they don't catch on you can start digging at irregular intervals, on the same hole - little bits at a time. If the child doesn't respond, start placing bags of concrete around the hole, put a barrel in the hole and put news clippings about the missing Oregon City girls in a prominent place in your home. Get the other spouse to help you dig or build concrete forms. By this point, your child should respond with a clean room, a mowed lawn, a waxed car, and more. After a short while, you can start filling the hole again - only to be re-dug as needed.

As "payment" for some work I did on a PC, a friend said he'd give me his old laptop. His kid didn't want it because it's too slow, he wasn't using it. I was expecting one of those all white cased laptops with a monochrome display. The way it was described, I thought that I was going to have DOS installed or something.

This "relic" uses the same processor as my much coveted laptop that I lug around the apartment. I'm not into the "speed" demons so much as everyone else is. Most work I do is for the internet and the internet has years before it taxes processors from four years-ago.

Oh, my new-old laptop has Windows ME installed, which is God's way of punishing me for goofing on ME in a previous log.

Don't ask questions. Go to Jim Beam Music, lie about your age (if necessary... you have to be 21 to enter the site) and vote for Stereo Crush.

Thank you.

Oh yeah... enough is enough.

It's important to click on the "Archives" link above for any missed spewings of knowledge and humor.

props to 720

Nerd...

Confessions

Today, when my site and the sites of several other people went down along with email service, I was to blame.

You see, most machines nowadays have software, actually called firmware installed within them. Firmware tells a microwave how long a potato should be cooked, when to start a VCR, and it tells a DVD player how to access special features of a DVD.

The GoochOnline.com network, located in the Gooch Compound, consists of computers, cables, and routers (the italics are important later). When you type in a web address like http://www.goochonline.com (also known as a URL), your computer ultimately is sending a packet of information out onto the internet requesting the default page at the IP address of 216.99.209.210 at port 80 with a host header of www.goochonline.com (try typing in "http://216.99.209.210:6969 and you'll hit my webcam, if it's on. Before the "goochonline.com" portion of the packet you sent get read, it hits a router at my office. That router tells everything sent to port 80 at my IP address, to go to my web server. The web server then reads the "goochonline.com" portion of the request that you sent and sends the default page of goochonline.com back to your computer.

It's a little more complicated than that, but not much more.

(It all comes together here)

I decided to upgrade the firmware on my router today. I knew that upgrading my router would add functionality and security to the appliance that has served me for a better part of a year. What I didn't know is that the upgrade would erase the multitude of settings I had in place. Once the upgrade was done, I had a better router, but all of my settings were gone.

Shit.

In what could be described as the equivalent to a mother lifting a car off of her child, I hastily reconfigured the router and things I didn't know that I knew came into play as I successfully redid the heart of my wide area (WAN) and local area (LAN) network.

Unfortunately, the goochonline.com empire of websites always will work for me, since I'm on the safe side - the inside of the router. Outside the router (for example, the rest of the world) was inaccessible. What I didn't know is that the new firmware had another new page of configurations that I missed, delaying full functionality. Thirty seconds after I discovered the new page of configurations, I was back among the living.

There, you've learned a little bit about the internet, my incompetence, and yourselves. It's nights like this where I sleep with my Commodore 64.

Chance took a chance

By now you've heard that Charles Richard Chance, or "Rick from Empire Glass" (pictured top left and in center checking into motel with a stripper, Asian chick at right) was found dead with a gunshot wound to the chest in a motel where he checked in with a stripper in order to sell jewelry he had made himself.

In a GoochOnline.com exclusive, we have just learned that the missing briefcase believed to be full of jewels was in fact filled with free-dinner coupons for local area restaurants.

Stripper Brandi Lynn Hungerford, 25, was arrested at a Shari's restaurant in Tacoma as she requested free meals for herself and a friend, Robert Donald Lemke (also a stripper).

"It's a classic tale..." says Sgt. William Moore with the Tacoma Police Department, "...a tale of murder, missing jewels, a dead millionaire, a stripper, free dinner tickets, bad commercials, and an apathetic public. Pretty textbook, really."